Aleppo Province, Syria – Earlier today, ISIL militants released an 8-hour online video criticizing Hamas for their failures. In the video, a Che Guevara lookalike ranted for 15 minutes and challenged Hamas leaders to a dance-off to settle the matter.
“You knew this was coming. We finna drop a dope beat,” shouted the gunman, removing his turban and donning a backwards Yankees baseball cap. “You ready? It’s on like Ramadan! We gonna kick some Hamass!”
A “Teen Wolf” doppelgänger donned sunglasses, raised a boombox onto his shoulder and played some classic Run DMC tracks. The wolf man howled incessantly while the rest of the crew shook various limbs, showcasing their discombobulated dance skills.
“We’ve miscalculated their level of insanity and the overall threat,” stated a CIA spokesman. “They appear to lack basic hand-eye coordination and frankly, Obama dances better than them.”
After wiggling for approximately two hours on video the lead gunman, drenched in sweat, grew frustrated.
“Damn it, guys, we practiced this!” shouted the gunman, firing and killing a literally-dead ringer of Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine. “Did I say to stop dancing, Akheel? And stop howling!”
In the final six hours of the video, the remaining three members danced until collapsing of apparent dehydration.