SAN FRANCISCO, CA – It’s been nearly five years since the controversial opening of the Bay Area LGBT Islamic Center, commonly abbreviated as BALGBTIC. After initial firestorms of criticism and angered picketing, things have recently quieted and worshippers have settled into their routine.
And while many have grown accustomed to hearing “fabulous fatwas” or driving past the center’s “Disco Dome,” the LGBT Muslim community are cognizant of how far they have yet to go.
“Oh my God there’s this guy, Javid. I don’t know where to begin. He doesn’t get what we’re trying to do here,” stated one visibly flustered congregation member. While fanning himself, he continued, “Christopher told me that Stephen said that Daniel saw him move here maybe like six months ago? He so hasn’t been following what’s happening.”
“He’s like bigfoot,” stated BALGBTIC President Samak Dataas. “Some doubt he’s real but I’ve seen him. He shows up so quickly, prays, makes some awkward, disjointed small talk and leaves.”
According to witnesses that man, identified as 45 year old IT worker Javid Saleem, is often spotted randomly at the center. Seemingly ignorant of the Islamic Center’s unisex bathrooms and rainbow-colored partition, Saleem recently inquired about marrying “a modest sister from the masjid.”
“We keep telling him that’s not gonna happen,” stated Dataas. “We’re very accepting, but damn he can’t seem to take a hint.”
Walking past violent protests outside the mosque, Saleem remarked, “I agree, the parking lot is a joke.”
Some are growing frustrated. Last Friday after prayers in an attempt to be more obvious, Dataas announced, “We’ll soon undergo renovations since many of our bisexual and transgendered members have complained they’re forced to share a small room with no working speakers.”
Immediately thereafter, all eyes were on Saleem as he stared and smiled, seemingly unable to blink.
Dataas continued, asking for volunteers for the mosque’s annual production of the Rocky Horror Picture show and Saleem was heard shouting he “loves the cinema.”
“I know people don’t want to acknowledge there are gay Muslims out there, but at least acknowledge me when I’m standing in front of you waving a pink feather boa,” stated one angry member. “We have a huge Cher poster in the lobby, for goodness sake. I feel like he’s emotionally forcing me back into the closet.”
When asked by reporters if he’s aware BALGBTIC is a gay mosque, Saleem responded, “Yes they are all very happy. Like the dancing black in the video. Everyone is so well dressed and smells nice. I can only imagine what the sisters section is like. Do you know one?”
Many are questioning if Saleem understands English or might be a spy for straight Muslims. Others ponder if he’s blind, deaf or perhaps in subconsciously “in the closet” himself.