CHICAGO, IL – Dental professionals are bracing for another backlash on the heels of the recent slaying of Cecil, the beloved Zimbabwe lion. In a press conference this afternoon, the American Dental Association (ADA) stated the dental community fears being targeted because of the recent acts of a rogue dentist.
“Once again, we must clarify Dr. Walter Palmer is not representative of the vast majority of peaceful, law-abiding members the dental community. Dentists, orthodontists, periodontists and the like have been under intense scrutiny for decades but we acknowledge Dr. Palmer is an abscess on our professional community,” remarked ADA spokesman Murad Haseeb, pausing for laughter. “But we can’t brush this aside.”
Another awkward, 10-second pause followed.
“Seriously though, the ADA acknowledges the need to do a better job of rooting out the canals of decay in certain pockets of our industry,” elaborated the increasingly pun-riddled spokesman. “We fear this incident could result in the largest backlash since the ‘Long Island Tooth Fairy’ incident.”
That infamous 1997 incident involved a New York-based oral surgeon performing dozens of unnecessary extractions and root canals as part of an elaborate insurance fraud scheme, earning him the “Tooth Fairy” nickname. He’s currently serving a 20-year sentence in a maximum-security federal prison.
“That really began my suspicions about these people and their true intentions,” stated conservative personality Glenn Beck. “There’s so many sleeper cells in the dental community, mostly because they have easy access to laughing gas.”
Beck explained he’s had “numerous dental experts” on his television program and the “overwhelming majority” have stated dentists are “a bunch of Godless heathens hell-bent on destroying our way of life and gums.”
“Look at their spokesman, he’s a Muslim for Christ’s sake,” added Beck.
“Some people obviously have an agenda against dentists, perhaps stemming from a bad childhood memory or the fact we annoyingly keep telling you to floss like you’re actually going to do it this time,” remarked the ADA spokesman. “You’re never going to please them. It’s like pulling teeth. Gotta run. It’s almost 2:30. Get it?”