House Analogy Derails Friday Khutba Made Sense at First, Everyone Lost After Five Minutes

Many were left questioning the credentials of the guest imam.

ELGIN, IL – Last Friday, a guest imam left worshippers baffled after delivering a sermon riddled with analogies of “building a house for the hereafter.” Unfortunately, his 90-minute speech was riddled with stray thoughts resulting from his attempt to simplify and relate to the audience.

“He started by saying all houses, like our lives, need a solid foundation,” stated one eyewitness. “Each good deed is a brick that helps build us a house in heaven and we need to be thoughtful with our actions.”

“Then he explained that bad deeds crumble the bricks and we need to abstain from them. But then he started talking about other building materials like stucco, so I was lost.”

The imam quickly expanded the metaphor and worshippers grew progressively more confused. He urged worshippers to look at the “big picture in life,” referencing items such as the “total cost of ownership, including heating and repairs” as a factor to consider when building their “hereafter house.”

The imam also stressed the importance of having an unfinished basement “with a full walkout” and urged worshippers to pay particular attention to the toilets and properly caulking the bathtub. He went on to deny hiring illegal, undocumented workers for lawn maintenance despite never being accused of doing so.

“I thought I saw where he was going with it,” stated another confused worshipper, “But then he went off on whether or not it’s a renters market and talking about I think he asked us whether or not he should bid on a foreclosure.”

The imam was heard shouting, “Brothers, don’t sell yourselves short with a short sale of your life!”

The well-intentioned analogies took a dark turn when worshippers claim the imam dove into a tirade about financing and exclaimed, “Fannie and Freddie can suck it!” He also mentioned “[he] shouldn’t have gone with a home equity loan” and calling Islamic financing a “haram scam invented by Jews.”

“What the heck is co-ownership anyway? Isn’t it just another name for usury? Am I right?” the Imam remarked.

Many claim the Imam spent fifteen minutes angrily debating himself whether his mother should live with him or “[his] deadbeat older brother” in Kansas.

“I think he caught himself after about an hour,” claimed one worshipper. “He looked around confused, sat down, and continued the analogies in Arabic.”

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