WASHINGTON, DC – Last Wednesday, Attorney General John Ashcroft announced a new addition to the Homeland Securities plan.
“To ensure security within our boundaries, agents will now be given the liberty to call suspects the following: raghead, camel jockey, Johnny 10 wives, and Khalil,” Ashcroft stated.
“This will empower our agents with tools to ensure targeting the root of terrorism residing here in the United States.”
Ashcroft also noted that agents could wave their index fingers in the faces of suspects and make annoying sounds.
“This continues our commitment to ensuring the safety of every non-Muslim/Arab US citizen,” stated Ashcroft. “Right now, we’re pushing for additional legislation that will allow agents to shave the beards of suspects to help reduce risk of the dreaded ‘Beard Bombs’ we believe to be in existence.”
The state department noted the new policies would go into effect immediately.