Nation Sees Increase in “Quarantined Dad Fart Trauma”

A recent report indicates that the number of trauma cases stemming from dad-gas has increased due to regional shelter-in-place orders.

Chicago, IL – A nonprofit organization monitoring the nation’s mental health issued a troubling report which showed an increase in trauma among children who have had to endure their father’s constant flatulence while subjected to home quarantines. The published study showed kids that were exposed to “daddy stinkies” for an extended period of time were more likely to exhibit symptoms of grief, including short bouts of screaming words like “ewwwww” either alone, or in unison with their siblings.

“We’re detecting elevated levels of methane exposure with some of these kids,” says Dr. Saima Khan of the National Alliance for Pediatric Mental Health.

“The short of it is that dad has nowhere to go. Kids have nowhere to go. Farts have nowhere to go. And as the old adage goes, ‘shelter in place makes it fester in place.’”

Area father and working from home professional Faraz Ahmed showed no remorse, as he justified his behavior with his own two children.

“The way I see it, they came from something inside me, they can handle the other stuff inside me too,” said Ahmed as his kids dry heaved behind him.

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