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Muslim Coworker Spotted Heading Into Restroom With Stanley Cup: “What the hell is he doing in there with NHL’s most coveted trophy?!?”

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Islamica News
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On Tuesday afternoon, Muslim coworker, Youssef Ali, was seen in the fourth floor men's restroom with NHL's Stanley Cup.

Chicago, IL – On Tuesday afternoon, employees at the Chicago-based Hewlitt Partners consulting firm spotted their coworker, Youssef Ali, hastily walking into the fourth floor men’s restroom with the National Hockey League’s (NHL) Stanley Cup.

Members of the firm’s Strategic Analytics group saw Ali walk into the restroom around 1:00 in the afternoon, shortly after lunch. Ali was then seen returning back to his cubicle thirty minutes later, wiping the cup dry with a paper towel.

The Stanley Cup is the championship trophy awarded annually to NHL playoff winner after the conclusion of the Stanley Cup Finals. Since the Chicago Blackhawks championship win on Monday night, the cup has been making its way through the city’s bars, sports venues and restrooms.

Ralph Wilson, Senior Accountant at the firm, witnessed Ali come out of a restroom stall, fill the trophy’s bowl up with water, only to return back to the stall and close its door.

“What the hell is he doing in there with NHL’s most coveted trophy?!?” asked a puzzled Wilson.

According to fellow employees Ali, who has been with the company for three years, routinely visits the restroom with either a paper cup, water bottle, or the wall-mounted emergency firehose in hand.

As of Tuesday evening, the cup is believed to have made its way out of the office and back onto the streets of Chicago.

“Sculpt Mohammed” Contest Fails Miserably: Organizer Claims Terrorists Sabotaged Event

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Islamica News
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Most of the slabs remained as city officials struggled with cleanup efforts and providing urgent medical care.

EL PASO, TX – The wave of anti-Muslim sentiment continued earlier today as the “Freedom of Speech Rally III” moved ahead with their “Sculpt Mohammed” contest, despite a slew of backlash and difficulties. Event organizer Robert “Billy Bob” Williams devised the concept while heavily intoxicated and watching televised coverage “Freedom of Speech Rally II.”

“There was this CAIR guy hollering how Muslims don’t want no artwork of Mohammed on account of idol worship or some idealization crap,” explained Williams. “I said to myself, Billy Bob, you can’t draw worth a damn but you can carve up some rocks. Let’s teach these Arabs some good old-fashioned American freedom!”

“Then I crapped myself and passed out,” added Williams.

Williams somehow managed to have Amazon.com ship an estimated 30 tons of granite, marble and limestone to an open field yesterday and that’s when his plans began to unravel.

“Carving stone of this size is a painstaking process that can take anywhere from 3 to 6 months,” explained one participant. “They booked this venue for eight hours.”

Dozens were injured as amateur sculptors feverishly fumbled with chisels, hammers and an assortment of power tools. One reporter was seriously injured by flying shrapnel when a participant attempted to sculpt with his Gloc-9 firearm.

“I’m willing to die protecting the first amendment with the second amendment!” noted the participant. When asked to name other amendments or the basic premise of the constitution, the man declined to comment and shouted, “Liberals!”

Despite being a largely nonviolent event, some Muslim counter-protestors pelted statues with stones however contestants were happy to have additional material to work with.

In an ironic twist, one participant carved a figure resembling the Virgin Mary and others flocked to a makeshift altar surrounding the statue.

The winning entry, a Play-Doh sculpture entitled “Ball with Stick on Top,” was from three-year-old Mark Davidson from Dallas, Texas.

Williams believes the event was sabotaged by unspecified “terrorists” and vowed to continue efforts of hatred, paranoia, self-promotion and vanity in the name of freedom.

Imam Claims Shia LaBeouf Plagiarized His Friday Sermon: Word for Word Rip, He Claims

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Islamica News
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The imam claims many of his "signature moves" were plagiarized by LaBeouf.

TORONTO, ON – Actor Shia LaBeouf’s recent viral YouTube motivational speech has a local imam crying foul. Riaz Hamouda, imam of the Pickering Muslim Society, claims LaBeouf stole it from his past Friday sermons.

“I deliver this speech, word for word, every week,” claims the imam. “He’s stolen my signature moves, down to my hand gestures. It’s [a] total rip. I should be the one being parodied on the YouTube.”

Hamouda explained the mosque struggled with fundraising efforts and he devised his “signature” speech to get donations for continued, perpetual masjid construction projects.

He proudly claims his speeches have resulted increased donations “in excess of $20 a week.”

“They’re 90 seconds of confusing, powerful motivation,” claimed a worshipper. “We regularly leave feeling like we have to do something. Sometimes we even flip double-parked cars in the parking lot.”

The imam was considering legal options against LaBeouf but it’s believed the matter has been settled out of court for an undisclosed “generously donated” sum.

LaBeoufs video has garnered over 3 million views since being posted last week.

What if Diet Coke Can Technology Fell Into the Wrong Hands?: The doomsday scenario would be impossible to aspar-tame.

By
Islamica News
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Authorities are concerned that Coke can technology could fall into the wrong hands, prompting a worldwide cafeteria food fight and thirst quenching.

Washington, DC – Authorities are on high alert after unopened cans of Coke were purchased in bulk from area Costco and other wholesale and discount stores.

The Department of Defense released a report based on intelligence gathered over the past several weeks. The recent report was published on the heels of Friday’s incident in which a Muslim woman requested an unopened can (the most dangerous type of can) of Diet Coke on a United Airlines flight. The woman claimed the unopened cans were more ‘hygienic.’

Coincidentally, crates of Coke cans disappeared overnight in ISIS strongholds across Syria and Iraq. Sources could not confirm if the cans were unopened or ‘diet-grade.’

A video released by the terrorist organization shows a group of masked men gripping Diet Coke cans in their hands, chanting, “Yes we CAN, yes we [Diet Coke] CAN!”

The recent report begs the question: What will violent groups do with the unopened cans of Coke? Furthermore, will they obtain the technology to mass produce diet-grade soda cans and distribute them across their growing army?

These questions are being posed to officials at the National Can-Violence Prevention Conference (NCVP) happening in Mclean, VA this weekend. Officials will also discuss how they will safeguard stockpiles of Coke cans across the world, and alert foreign governments to raise their respective security levels.

Authorities fear that an angry group of Muslims with malicious intent could throw multiple unopened cans at unsuspecting people, resulting in a ‘thunk’ sound effect. A series of these actions could result in a painful, yet comical montage of events.

Defense officials are closely monitoring the situation, and have issued a temporary ‘bottle-only’ order.

Hero Stewardess Thwarts Diet Jihad: FBI Warns of Potential Further Snack Terror

By
Islamica News
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Reactions to her courageous act are divided.

CHICAGO, IL – A quick-thinking United Airlines flight attendant is being hailed as a hero for resolving a beverage terror incident yesterday. According to authorities, the would-be assailant was an “overtly Muslim” woman traveling for reasons unknown.

“I started to get suspicious when she wasn’t giving her full, undivided attention to the pre-flight safety instructions,” stated the air hostess. “She was also wearing some form of protective headgear [Ed: hijab] which made her agenda very clear.”

The stewardess went on to explain that if one of “those people” somehow glued multiple aluminum cans together, it could form a “soda sword” or “cola bat” that could be used to subdue the crew.

“Who knows? If our pilot’s diabetic, an attacker could use a bunch of non-diet sodas to induce a coma,” she added. “Don’t get me started on what they could do with pretzels!”

The flight crew was helped by a courageous passenger who valiantly shouted insults and obscenities at the Muslim woman to “keep her in her place.”

Not everyone, however, believes this is a heroic act. Some believe this is a precursor to major airlines removing complimentary snacks from flights. Others insist that “hazardous beverage fees” are on the horizon from most major airlines.

This was the first snack-related terror incident since the foiled 1972 “Peanut Hijacking” aboard a Delta Airlines flight.
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