ELGIN, IL – Early this morning, the Institute of Studying Islamic Statistics (ISIS) shared a report outlining trends observed through the course of their 10-year study. During a three-hour web conference, ISIS Director of Research Rizwan Kamal presented numerous findings of note.
“We’ve noticed a steady decline in line straightness during prayer,” noted Kamal. “It gets progressively worse in rows farther back. The last row, interestingly, seem to pray in a convex curve as if they’re praying towards the imam rather than the direction of Mecca.”
Kamal noted that in some prayer services, worshippers were observed praying perpendicular to the line direction and paused briefly after stating some worshippers faced the entirely opposite direction.
“Opposite direction? I must’ve missed that in the earlier drafts. How can…who is…? This is obviously unacceptable,” noted a frustrated Kamal. “Is this the state of our ummah?”
In other findings, the report noted “premature ameens” have gotten louder but are holding steady, percentage-wise. Kamal also noted head-to-butt sujud collisions are experiencing a slight uptick further aggravated by a meteoric 38% rise in “sujud crack” due to the popularity of low-rise jeans.
In the sisters section, scientists observed “aunties shouting and gossiping like they’re at home” nearly doubled in volume over the past decade and noted a continued decline of functional speaker systems.
“Not one masjid had a functioning PA system. It’s like we don’t even care that sisters are present,” noted Kamal, adding that packs of feral, lost children in the sisters sections were up 18%.
Encouraging notes include the near-eradication of the dreaded “Macarena” ringtone during prayer, a 10% reduction in “child sitting on head during sujud” incidents and a modest 5% gain in deodorant use.
“The parking lot, however, remains a chaotic free-for-all,” noted Kamal. “It’s hard to believe these people have drivers licenses and when we looked into it, we discovered that few actually do.”
Kamal mentioned that research findings would be distributed to the general public later today, adding, “Please ignore the numerous misspellings of my name in the research deck. Autocorrect keeps changing it to camel. I hate Microsoft. And we’re not that ISIS. We were here 10 years ago, darn it.”