Glendale, AZ – Left Shark made a walk-on appearance during this Friday’s khutbah (sermon) at the Islamic Society of Glendale.
Puzzled worshippers were encouraged after witnessing the mascot take shahada and pronounce his conversion to the Muslim faith. Some expressed disappointment, however, noting they preferred Right Shark and hoped the companion sea-dweller would convert, as well.
The 2015 Super Bowl sensation was unavailable for comment.
Detroit, MI – After airing its ninety second Super Bowl commercial last Sunday, Jeep issued what it calls an ‘ad-recall.’ The division of Fiat Chrysler Automobiles experienced a wave of backlash on Twitter by people who felt the ad was anti-American. The spot featured scenes from around the world set to a rendition of Woody Guthrie’s “This Land Is Your Land.” One of the scenes included a Muslim woman in hijab standing in ‘some foreign land.’
One twitter user wrote, ” I just shat the bed when I saw that jihadi girl to the tune of an AMERICAN song! P.S. Send toilet paper. #charmin”
Jeep announced it will release a similar version of the original commercial, but with images from America’s heartland.
One of the new scenes will replace the foreign woman in hijab with a KKK member dressed in an ‘American burka.’
Other scenes include a blonde woman angrily telling something brown to go back to its country, a pudgy five-year old boy with his head stuck in a super-sized fountain drink, Michael Brown’s police confrontation video, and a 30 second slow-motion montage of old men in ladies underwear twirling and firing rifles into the air.
“We believe this new version will appease those upset by the original commercial, and will appeal to their unique interpretation of inclusion,” said a spokesperson for the auto maker.
The revised commercial triggered a frenzy of positive feedback on Twitter after its debut on YouTube.
The commercial is expected to air during the next televised NASCAR race.
PHOENIX, AZ – Attendees of the weekly Friday prayer service at a local mosque were puzzled by the surprise visit of NFL Star Marshawn Lynch. As part of his recently inked sponsorship deal with the Islamic center, Lynch was obligated to deliver their weekly Friday sermon.
“At first I was like, did he convert? Then I saw him walking toward the podium and I got really confused,” stated one eyewitness.
Further complicating matters was a crowd of reporters who followed the NFL’s 4th leading rusher into the facility. Tensions flared when Lynch and several reporters refused to take off their shoes prior to entering the prayer hall. Things escalated as reporters repeatedly questioned Lynch during the sermon.
For approximately 40 minutes, the running back repeated the phrase, “I’m just here so I don’t get fined.” At one point, Lynch mistakenly went into “beast mode” requiring him to re-perform the obligatory “wudu” cleansing and restart his sermon. Afterward, the athlete fumbled his way leading the prayer with a series of slaps, grunts and twirls.
When asked for comment, a small boy running between rows of worshippers stated, “I question his judgement as he’s obviously an introvert. Why put yourself in such a public situation? Doesn’t he make enough money in the NFL? Also, have you seen my daddy?”
Not everyone was upset with Lynch’s visit, however. A teenager holding the mosque’s donation box noted, “He poured his leftover Skittles into the donation box on his way out. I guess you could say he donated deliciously.”
Many also noted Lynch’s speech was much better than the one given last week by a half-naked, blood-drenched Marilyn Manson.
RIYADH, KSA – According to unverified Youtube comments, Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz miraculously converted to Islam moments before his death.
“I always had a profound respect for all the boor Muslims in this country,” stated the recently deceased monarch, according to witnesses.
“It’s amazing how much hope they have despite owning such few Mercedes-Benz automobiles. It’s humbling they keep such strong faith, especially in light of the numerous, absurd laws here in the KSA. Surely their faith must be rooted in something miraculous. I bear witness there is no god but Allah and Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, is His prophet.”
There are scattered reports that King Abdullah ordered the dissolution of the Saudi monarchy but newly appointed King, Salman “Silly” bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, quickly dismissed these rumors.
“Uh…no, no, no. Not true,” stated the new ruler. “Yup…still a kingdom. I’m the new king. So…yeah.”
Columbus, OH – Mexican emoji, Juan E Mojica has been detained by authorities based on credible evidence provided by an unidentified agency informant. Local and federal law enforcement divisions monitored Mojica over the past three years, and have also intercepted text messages carrying some variant of his likeness.
Mojica, who has renamed himself Al-Makseekee Ma’a Amama’a (which means Mexican with turban), is suspected of ‘radicalization through appearance’ and will be charged for his recent acquisition of explosives and other iconic weapons. Police believe Mojica obtained the explosives by swiping through to the fourth page under the bell icon of emojis.
Mojica, who has a history of criminal misconduct, was also arrested in 2010, when he was caught trying to solicit two dancing twin emojis during an undercover prostitution sting.
“We can speak with a high degree of certainty that the suspect Mojica is the same radicalized individual we’ve seen pop up in other messaging symbols as of recent,” said FBI Senior Intelligence Director, Henry Jacobson.
The agency used facial recognition software to confirm Mojica’s identity before and after his conversion.
Mojica and his attorney were unavailable for comment. A formal indictment is expected to take place on Wednesday.
