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Jihadist Enraged Over Fantasy Football League Changes: Vows to Behead Commissioner, Kill Everyone Else

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Islamica News
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The live draft was held at a local coffee shop and Hakeem raised many eyebrows with his outbursts.

SUNNYVALE, CA – In a move many saw coming, Daiyan Hakeem – a self-proclaimed member of the Islamic State of the Bay Area Region (ISOBAR) expressed disgust at numerous recent changes in his Yahoo fantasy football league.

“We’ve been playing with two flex positions for the past five years, now we have three?! What kind of crap is that,” lamented Hakeem. “And don’t get me started on the draft time being changed at the last-minute. I had to scramble to rearrange my whole damn schedule to make it this year.”

He went on to explain that he feels “shafted” over the changes and feels his team consists of “absolute [crap] players”, vowing to “see you guys next year, I’m out.”

In a league post entitled “Good riddance to Daiyan Downer,” many members expressed joy Hakeem chose to exit and cited his “short fuse” and numerous complaints as a constant distraction.

“I knew it was a mistake inviting that Wahhabi, pseudo-Salafi wannabe,” stated one member. “Maybe now we can joke around without worrying about amateur sharia hour commenting on everything.”

Upon reading this Hakeem, who is still technically a member of the league, followed up with a post stating his desire to “behead the commish” and “murder every single one” of his fellow league mates.

Labor Day Weekend to be Renamed “Eid ul-Isna”: ISNA Claims It Just Makes Sense

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Islamica News
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Newly-elected President Azhar Azeez addresses reporters after the announcement.

DETROIT, MI – On the eve of their annual convention, the Islamic Society of North America issued a press release declaring the long weekend to officially become an Islamic holiday.

“Muslims have been clamoring for more holidays so we’re proud to give the public what they want,” stated the release. “We encourage adherents of the Islamic faith to enjoy their extra time off the first Monday of September. And remember, there’s no better way to celebrate Eid ul-Isna than buying tickets and bring friends and family to the ISNA convention.”

Many are confused by the announcement, citing that Labor Day is already a long weekend and doesn’t provide any additional time off from work based on religious grounds. Others are quite vocal about their opinion this is a bid’ah (innovation) and are demanding ISNA renege on the declaration.

“You can’t just declare a holiday like this! I’m not even sure if I’m going to go to ISNA this weekend now,” stated a frustrated man while haggling a vendor in the bazaar area. “Where da lobby at?”

This isn’t the first controversial incident surrounding this year’s convention. Earlier this month, Prominent Scholar Tariq Ramadan wrote an open letter criticizing ISNA leadership for their silence regarding Muslim affairs overseas and American foreign policy.

Other Muslim leaders, however, jumped to ISNA’s defense. Shaikh Khalid Mabuti was a particularly vocal ISNA supporter.

He stated, “The ISNA convention and lobby scene are second to none. The macking should be reduced to acceptable levels but is understandable as there’s far too much tail to ignore. I’m staying at the Crown Plaza. Holla.”

ISNA administration was unavailable for comment.

Actor Who Plays Mark Regev Calling It Quits: Marty Freiberg Shocks the World at MTV's Video Music Awards

By
Islamica News
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Marty Freiberg mentioned how the Regev character was starting to choke his abilities to branch out as an actor.

INGLEWOOD, CA – In an unexpected move, the actor who portrays the infamous and oft-maligned Israeli Spokesman Mark Regev has resigned. Strangely, 54 Year Old Australian Actor Mark “Marty” Freiberg chose to announce his resignation on the MTV VMA red carpet while walking in as part of Chris Brown’s entourage.

“Chris called me up because he had a spot in the limo and so here I am. I want to thank the state of Israel for giving me the opportunity to showcase my talents on a global stage but it’s time to move on,” stated the visibly emotional actor. “It was a difficult decision, mates. I liked where we’d gone with the Regev character and how he seemed perfectly content to deny reality and basic facts. In many ways, his maniacal demeanor is my personal homage to Heath Ledger’s joker, an actor I’ve long admired.”

Freiberg went on to explain that he felt he’d gone “as far as anyone can go” to depict a depraved, stone-faced cover man for “obvious genocide and ethnic cleansing.” Freiberg cited decades of Israeli apartheid as another motivating factor.

“Look, I know I was kind of working for the devil here, but a blokes gotta eat,” added Freiberg. “It’s become harder and harder to maintain character with all this comical Israeli brutality. The character would be too far of an exaggeration to keep justifying this ongoing killing.”

Freiberg referenced several events in recent weeks where he broke character during onscreen interviews, including laughing at cue cards justifying Israel’s continued denial of civilian casualties and International human rights violations.

“One Sheila asked why we carpet bombed a Palestinian zoo. A zoo, for Christ’s sake,” exclaimed Freiberg. “I didn’t have any idea that happened so I ad-libbed some rubbish about Hamas hiding under the elephants and walruses. I couldn’t keep it together so I just pulled out the mic and walked off the set laughing.”

Freiberg added that he feels great not having to wear “that damn suit” anymore and planned to spend the coming weeks vacationing “somewhere way the hell away from [the middle east].”

Rumors are buzzing that Mel Gibson may soon be chosen to replace Freiberg. It’s unknown if he’ll assume the Regev role or introduce a new character altogether.

Ice Nihari Challenge Goes Horribly Wrong

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Islamica News
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Lakhani mere moments before the horror unfolded.

SPOKANE, WA – A YouTuber landed in the ER earlier after an unsuccessful attempt at creating a new Internet trend. 28 Year Old Kamal Lakhani froze a large pot of his mother’s nihari, a traditional Indian/Pakistani stew consisting of beef and the spiciest broth known to mankind, and poured the icy mix over his head to promote a social cause.

First responders wore hazmat suits as eyewitnesses claim toxic fumes “wafted a mile or two away.”

“After he froze the nihari, it was basically one solid chunk so I thought he wouldn’t do it,” stated his longtime friend and cameraman Tahir Mubarak. “Kamzu be cray cray!”

Lakhani appears on video flipping the pot above his head, followed by a large ice boulder smashing into his skull. Upon impact, the boulder breaks in two and the large metal pot itself decimates Lakhani. He suffered numerous head lacerations as a blood/nihari mixture streamed down his face.

“The screams that came after…haunting,” stated YouTube commenter Shawn Masala. “If he wasn’t mentally handicapped before, I’m certain that he is now.”

Unfortunately for Lakhani, his troubles didn’t end there. After pummeling his cranium with the ice boulder, the spicy concoction began melting and seeped into his pores inflaming his eyes, ears and scrotum.

Towards the end of the video, Lakhani is seen shouting incoherent phrases including, “I nominate Jameel!”, “You have 24…letters”, and “Trying to raise awareness” as he gradually loses consciousness.

Zabihah-Halal Gang Rivalries Flare: Weekend Incident Underscores Rising Hostilities

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Islamica News
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The incident at Habib's Halal Meat & Cash Advance was the largest scuffle since a fight erupted at "Kinda OK" on Devon street last week.

CHICAGO, IL – Authorities are regaining control of the Kedzie Avenue region after another weekend of violence in Chicago. Hostilities erupted Sunday afternoon when the Zabiha-only “Devon Boyz” gang made a lunch visit to Habib’s Halal Meat & Cash Advance, a prominent middle eastern deli/financial institution.

“He said something like ‘slalekum’ and he ask me if the food is Halal. I say yes, brother, of course,” stated shop owner Hussain Malik. “Then he asks about my subblier and wants their numbers and I say ‘Brother it’s busy lunchtime, lemme get next guy’ and he sbits the baan and calls me the liar!”

Witnesses of the incident included several members of the rival “Halalala” gang, who immediately rushed to the aid of the shop owner.

“At first I thought they was haggling over the prices and was all ‘Yo akhi, you gotta pay what we paid, ain’t no discounts!’ and he’s all ‘You’re eating haram meat!’, and I’m all ‘Just cuz it ain’t zabiha don’t mean it’s haram, respect my choices you oily mother#@$#!’,” stated Halalala member Anwar Owaisi. “They obviously don’t have any f*@^ing respect for the variances of opinion of what constitutes permissible meat consumption, dawg.”

A scuffle ensued and witnesses noted numerous chests thumped, mobile phones slapped to the ground, and verbal insults of mothers and other family members. Thankfully, there were no reports of major injury outside of one case of explosive diarrhea from Shakeel “Sprinkles” Ahmed, a Devon Boy who earned the nickname due to his frequent digestive issues.

“Shakeel always has the leaky butts, but at least he knows halal is halal!” shouted a Devon Boy. “Arab halal is fake halal. Zabiha Life! Calculations are haram!”

Further incident was avoided as both gangs realized they were late returning to work at various cell phone kiosks across the area.
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