PARTS UNKNOWN – Violence escalated in the region today, as members of rival factions took to the streets again. Reports vary as to the number of factions and their respective sizes, however many witnesses claim there are “at least three or four [who are] hellbent on killing everyone and everything.”
Years of war have ravaged the once-mighty nation.
According to many, The People’s Liberation Army – who might be the largest faction – are supported by Russia or the USA. Another group called the “Freedom Fighting Brigade” seems to be growing in number. When asked for comment, their supporters were unsure if they’re fighting for, or against freedom.
It’s worth noting that one of the groups is believed to be majority Sunni. Another one is probably Shia or Sufi. Probably not Sufi, though.
At this point, it’s unclear how the war started. Several believe it was the result of political unrest, citing the presence of a dictator who is obviously a CIA puppet and the son of a prior dictator.
A majority support the stability of a bloodline-based hierarchy whereas a majority support democratic voting allowing them to elect a new dictator.
Wait, that can’t be right can it?
Government supporters, however, continue blaming indigestion from the local cuisine and are pushing for the introduction of milder broths and stews to calm tensions.
Many around the world are watching when their regularly-scheduled programming and newsfeeds are interrupted by mentions of a car bombing or roadside explosion.
“We’re worried that family members or distant friends might still be somewhere within the region,” stated one concerned emigrant. “The Muslim world, sadly, is once again ignoring the crisis.”
At a press conference, Secretary of State John Kerry pledged the US will deploy “several” Likes on Facebook and is considering strategic tweets as part of their humanitarian aid.
Kerry added, “If that doesn’t work, we’ll begin indiscriminate drone strikes in the region in the hope to restore order and stir the US economy.”
In the meantime, civilian casualties mount and humanitarian aid workers are scrambling to deliver relief.
“We don’t know where to begin,” stated a spokeswoman for Islamic Relief Worldwide. “Seriously, where do we begin? We need a map or something. Somebody please tell us where to go.”