Washington, DC – Wednesday evening, at an Iftar dinner hosted by the White House, President Trump and CIA Director Gina Haspel assured all guests that dinner and waterboarding would not start until after sunset. Per the Islamic tradition, Muslims are required to abstain from food and drink between sunrise and sunset during the holy month of Ramadan.
“Some of our honored guests have expressed concern that ingestion of water may nullify their fasts. Therefore, I want to assure everyone that any attempts to waterboard you will be well after sunset,” announced Haspel to a room full of foreign dignitaries representing various parts of the Muslim world.
“It would be a shame that your day-long sacrifices go to waste as a result of our attempts to extract potentially useful information in the name of national security. Trust us when we say we admire your discipline and dedication to the faith.”
Haspel considered carrying out some torture prior to dusk, but felt the risks of prematurely breaking the fast was too great.
“One single stream of water from backed-up nostrils into the mouth and down the throat, and all of a sudden you’ll have some very angry Muslims to deal with.”
This year is the first time President Trump hosted an Iftar, amidst the perception that his administration isn’t friendly to Muslims.
During sunset, Trump could be seen struggling to swallow a date, the fruit traditionally used to open the fast.
“Nobody told me these squishy things had seeds,” mumbled Trump as part of a tooth fell out of his mouth.
An official from Saudi Arabia stood by, staring at the POTUS in awe.
“I’ve never seen an orange eat a date,” gasped the unidentified official.
White House staff pulled together a unique list of menu items, including Chef Sebastian Gorka’s signature Porkorays, Beer-Yani, and Taqiyya Tacos.
Senior Advisor Stephen Miller went table to table offering guests lard with their dinner rolls.
President Trump described the evening as a “HUGE success” as guests began to mysteriously disappear, one by one.
