Seattle, WA – On Sunday, 32 year old Harris Kasem took a break from watching football to express his disappointment at comments recently made by President Donald Trump regarding NFL players kneeling during the national anthem.
Trump told a crowd at a rally in Alabama that NFL team owners should fire any player who disrespects the flag, and referred to a dissenting athlete as a ‘son of a bitch.’
“I was completely upset and offended by the President’s words,” said Kasem, as the TV blared an afternoon divisional game in the background. A rather tense moment followed as his team headed into a third down and long situation.
“These players are human beings with families and deserve resp — OH YOU F*CKING IDIOT! GET RID OF THE BALL!” yelled an instantly livid Kasem, as his team’s quarterback suffered his second sack of the game.
“So anyways, these players and their families don’t deserve that kind of degrading rhetoric – MAKE THE DAMN TACKLE YOU SON OF A WORTHLESS WHORE!” shouted a beet red Kasem, as he launched the remote control across the room.
As Kasem sluggishly lifted himself off the couch to retrieve the remote, he expressed his disbelief at how an athlete’s behavior could be the object of a President’s ire.
“Like seriously? Don’t you have other things going on to be worked up about? How about focusing your energy on — NO! NO! NO! YOU MISSED THE EASIEST FIELD GOAL! I WILL RIP OFF YOUR HEAD, PEEL THE SKIN BACK AND F*CK YOUR SKULL!!!!”
A distraught Kasem then picked up a football from the floor and immediately simulated violent fornication with it for thirty seconds, before passing out in exhaustion.
Kasem plans to write a letter to Congress on Monday.
