DALLAS, TX – Local mosque officials have escalated efforts to identify and apprehend a serial offender of their long-standing “no farting in the mosque” policy.
“Flatulence can occur during prayer but what we’re witnessing is a malicious, repeat offender,” stated Masjid President Kareem Eman. “Our policy is clear, the smells are consistently foul and increasingly familiar.”
Witnesses state the mystery farters earliest known bombs were dropped three months ago during Friday prayers. During the first ruku, many heard an unusually loud, long and piercing sound that was unmistakeable.
“It’s his signature. The kind where you have to check your pants afterward,” stated one worshipper. “That was bad enough but you don’t want me to describe what happened in the next ruku. The squishy sounds will haunt me for the rest of my life.”
Since then, many believe the ninja flatulist has reverted to a stealthier “SBD mode” to remain undetected until well after the fact. The occasional toot, however, is still heard in sujood.
“It’s quite frustrating,” remarked Eman. “We’ve done everything we can, including installing thermal cams and cranking the ceiling fans to their max setting. Oh God, do you smell that?”
Troubled worshippers describe the smells as a “toxic cocktail of flatulence” and when asked, many went into excruciating, unnecessary detail. Suffice it to say the majority believe the farters diet consists primarily of South Asian cuisine.
Mosque officials thought the problem was solved after signs were posted throughout the Islamic center. The signs read “Keep your Wudu, Don’t Make Others Lose Theirs” and “If You Fart, Please Make Wudu or Prayer is Invalid” and seems to work for a week. However, many believe the fartiste came back with a vengeance after a more direct “Stop Farting” sign was placed.
“We had to push our luck. I can still taste it on my tongue,” recollected another teary-eyed witness. “They need to stop serving biryani before prayer.”
New flyers were printed last week featuring a $25 Dunkin Donuts gift certificate reward for the capture of the farteur extraordinaire.
“We think the donut reward will help,” stated Eman. “But honestly, nobody’s in the mood to eat given the circumstances with this fartomaniac.”
At press time, mosque officials were investigating leads the mystery farter may in fact be a woman whose stank bombs are wafting from the sisters section on the second floor.
