PORTLAND, OR – 37-Year Old Farouk Habib is still reeling from a discovery he made during the first week of Ramadan. The unemployed bachelor, who currently resides in his brother’s basement, was under the false pretense that most of his bad habits were the direct consequence of listening to the devil. Habib realized only yesterday this is not the case.
In the past, Habib believed the devil was able to influence his thoughts during Ramadan due to his lack of fasting.
“I think I have low fructose or whatever so I never fasted,” claimed the dim-witted man. “It’s a medical prognosis. I Googled it. Anyway I thought I can finally make the devil go away if I fast because he really likes food, right? Right??”
Habib’s fasting plan, however, is quickly unraveling as he continues many of the same bad habits that plague him the rest of the year.
“It was going to be my excuse on the day of judgement but I guess that’s out,” lamented Habib. “I figured I’d shake it off after the first day or two. Maybe the Devil was packing or something and still whispering but he should’ve been gone by now.”
Habib claims he’s still “swearing like a [expletive]” and his temper is “out of [expletive] control.” The man states he’s not only neglecting prayers but lying he prayed when no one else was around. Habib also admits he “can’t stop swiping that damn Tinder app” throughout the day.
Despite fasting for four days, Habib admitted he’s now realizing “this might not be the devil” and is currently researching jinn possession as a possible explanation for his actions on the day of reckoning.
“Either that or maybe I should’ve quit drinking sooner,” explained the desperate man. “I hear you need to stop boozing 40 days before Ramadan otherwise the angels will [expletive] you up. Right?”