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Netanyahu Flees Police In Boxers After ICC Issues Arrest Warrant

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Islamica News
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Netanyahu running from law enforcement
On Monday, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu darted down the street in what appeared to be polka-dot boxers, as he attempted to flee police during an intense pursuit.

On Monday, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu darted down the street in what appeared to be polka-dot boxers, as he attempted to flee police during an intense pursuit. This, after the International Criminal Court issued a warrant for his arrest.

“The ICC is Hamas! You’re all Hamas!” shouted a barefoot Netanyahu as he desperately stumbled down fire escapes and maneuvered through back alleys.

“You can’t arrest me, there’s too many babies still left to kill!”

Police caught Netanyahu when he failed to jump over a dividing wall that separated Israel from Gaza.

Follow @islamicanews because it’s whatcha you gotta do when they come for you!

Israeli Settler Arrives At College Gaza Protest Encampment, Steals Tent, Moves In

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Islamica News
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An Israeli settler traveled to Columbia University's campus this week to evict, and move into a protestor's tent.
Screenshot

New York, NY – An Israeli settler who traveled all they way to a Gaza protest encampment near the Columbia University campus, evicted a protester from his tent and claimed it as his own.

“If I don’t take it, someone else will,” said the 58 year old native of Florida who admitted he never attended a college in his life, nor is he affiliated with the school.

“It is my God given right to be in this… Coleman tent.”

Follow @islamicanews for this rather unsettling settlement situation.

Saudi Arabia To Participate In Miss Universe By Sending Model’s Male Guardian

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Islamica News
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Rashad Bin Abdullah is excited to represent his sister in the Miss Universe contest, calling it his "childhood dream."

For the first time in the Kingdom’s history, Saudi Arabia will participate in the Miss Universe beauty pageant by sending their contestant’s male guardian on her behalf.

29 year old model and content creator Rumy Albakhtani will be represented by her older brother Rashad bin Abdullah on the world stage.

“As a little boy I always dreamed of representing my sister or future wife in a beauty pageant,” said bin Abdullah as he struggled to fit into a sequin-laced bikini for the event’s swimsuit competition.

“This is a responsibility I take seriously, and that’s why i’m getting a perm for my chest and back hairs.”

Follow @islamicanews as this story gets hairier.

Airdropped US-Supplied Aid For Gaza Obliterated By US-Supplied Missile Fired On Gaza

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Islamica News
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On Saturday, U.S. supplied humanitarian aid dropped into Gaza was obliterated by U.S. supplied missiles and bombs also meant to be dropped on Gaza.

On Saturday, U.S. supplied humanitarian aid dropped into Gaza was obliterated by U.S. supplied missiles and bombs also meant to be dropped on Gaza.

Personnel at U.S. Central Command were reportedly frustrated as pallets of over 38,000 meals were destroyed by weapons delivered on pallets by President Biden just months prior.

“This has become a bit of a logistical conundrum for us,” said one official.

“We need to figure out if we want to drop our 2 ton bombs before we drop the humanitarian aid, or after. If we do it before, then what’s the point? BUT if we do it after, then what’s the point?”

The same officer mentioned that the Biden administration is open to more efficient delivery options.

“Perhaps if we place the bombs INSIDE the aid boxes, it will save us a trip?”

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To Win Muslim Customers Back, Starbucks Will Put Hijabs On Every Drink

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Islamica News
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In an effort to win Muslim customers back, Starbucks announced it will begin to put hijabs on its entire menu of drinks. Customer reactions to the new cups have been mixed.

In an effort to win Muslim customers back, Starbucks announced it will begin to put hijabs on its entire menu of drinks.

Over the past couple of months, Starbucks found itself at the center of a global boycott campaign which alleges the coffee giant’s support for Israel. They intend to put these allegations to rest with the introduction of the ‘Caramel Hijab-uccino,’ and other beverages.

Customer reactions to the new cups have been mixed. Some celebrated the efforts for inclusion and the business’ product innovation. Others struggled, as they spent 35 minutes ‘unraveling’ their coffee.

One Muslim patron complained about a grande sized strand of hair showing in his medium roast.

Some non-Muslim Americans were outraged and accused Starbucks of pushing the “Islamiization” of America

“This is terrorist coffee!” said Hank Williams at a drive-thru window in Arkansas.

“While I’m here, can I get two creeps of Splenda in my Shariah creep?”

In related news: Government of France Bans Hijab Coffee Cups

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