Saturday, May 30, 2020
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Shariah Law Takeover Results in New Khanfederate Flag

Khanfederate Flag by Islamica News
Evidence of a Shariah Law takeover emerged as a Confederate flag recently converted to Islam, triggering outrage amongst Southerners.

In what seems like a validation for Shariah conspiracy theorists, symbols of the Confederacy were converted to Islamic iconography as part of a broader effort to “brown-wash” U.S. history. Other civil war era monuments were also impacted, as a statue of a prominent general was renamed “Robert E. Ali” of the “Khanfederacy.”

These latest developments came on the heels of many local governments enforcing face coverings, and a string of pork processing plant closures across the country.

Members of the recently created “Alababamians for the Confederacy” Facebook group are expected to assemble together and march to the Ibrahim Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C. later this week.

Follow @islamicanews and don’t forget to wear your mosques -er- we mean masks.

New Lota Now Comes with Attached Helping Hand

DHULAO! Brands by Islamica News
DHULAO! Brands unveiled their most innovative lota to date: HELPER 3000.

This week, Dhulao! brands unveiled the HELPER 3000, an innovative lota that features a lifelike, silicone left hand attached to the vessel’s spout. According to the company’s website, HELPER 3000’s adjustable hand and fingers ensure optimal access to cracks and crevices of all sizes.

“The addition of the premium, silicone hand is perfect for folks who don’t want to get in on the dirty,” said product director Rashad Malik.

“It’s also for those who are nostalgic of their childhood, and miss an adult-figure doing it for them. This gives them that experience, while preserving dignity.”

Models come in three skin tones, and the detachable hand is dishwasher safe. The HELPER 3000 went on sale last week, but inventory is wiped out – er – we mean washed out. 

Give us a hand, and follow @islamicanews for more product news.

Quarantine Reflections From 6 Muslim Immigrants

In the midst of a major pandemic, Islamica News asks six Muslim immigrants to share their experiences and wisdom living quarantined lives. Follow @islamicanews on Instagram for a deeper look into the socially distanced/socially awkward Muslims living amongst us. 

“NO! NO! NO! YOU NINCOMPOOP!” Fauci Explodes At Trump During Coronavirus Press Conference

Earlier today, Dr. Anthony Fauci appeared to lose it as President Trump announced that laxatives were proven effective against the coronavirus.

Dr. Anthony Fauci grew visibly frustrated during Trump’s daily coronavirus press briefing, as the President indicated that a regimen of laxatives and Liquid Drano proved effective in flushing out the virus from “millions” of patients, and would soon be put to trial later this week.

The infectious disease expert in charge of advising the White House’s response to the pandemic desperately charged the podium in an effort to muzzle the President. “No! No! No! You damn Nicompoop!” exclaimed Fauci as he ran up with arms flailing in panic.

“Have you lost your f#%king mind?!? I can’t do this anymore! I was supposed to be retired living in a yurt by now.” mumbled the esteemed medical expert who served under six American Presidents.

With an irate invoked blood-red complexion, Fauci positioned himself behind the microphone and began to correct the six factually inaccurate statements made by the President moments earlier.

In other news, Amazon reports it has sold out of Liquid Drano. 

Imam Leaves Live Streaming On After Sermon

On Friday, Imam Shaikh Mabuti went live on Facebook for his weekly sermon, but forgot to shutoff his feed.

Elgin, IL – Well after he live streamed a Friday sermon, Shaikh Mabuti, Imam of a suburban Chicago mosque, still appeared to be broadcasting from his camera phone.

Online followers desperately tried to alert the Imam via the Facebook Live streaming service comments section, as he walked into the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and did his thing while singing “Who Let the Dogs Out.”

Over 200 followers also observed the Imam make himself a sandwich, wash his hands over a dozen times, and blow burps into his children’s faces. As of 5:30 pm, the Imam was still broadcasting on Facebook as he binge watched a season of Friends. 

Update: Mabuti’s live stream ended after his cell phone battery discharged on Saturday afternoon. It also appeared that it was finally brought to the Imam’s attention, based on a recent tweet from his account.