Tuesday, August 9, 2022
Home Blog Page 2

Islamica News Asks: As a Muslim-American, do you celebrate Christmas?

For many Americans, the holidays can be a beautiful time of year. For others, it can be rather awkward. Islamica News asks 5 Muslim-Americans if they celebrate Christmas. Swipe through to read what they had to say!

  • Shaikh Mabuti on Christmas
  • Islamica Asks: Awad Family
  • Islamica Asks: Omar Ali
  • Islamica Asks: Habib Ali
  • Islamica Asks: Aza Mustafa
  • Islamica Promo: Happy Holidays

Like, follow, share. Islamica News, now on Instagram!

https://www.instagram.com/islamicanews/

Mosque Investigation Reveals All 5,000 Congregants Really Secret FBI Informants Trying To Entrap Each Other

Masjid-Ul-Informant
An internal investigation of an Ohio mosque revealed the entire congregation worked for the FBI.

An internal investigation into a Ohio area mosque revealed that all 5,043 attendees were working diligently as FBI informants seeking to incriminate one another.

Mosque officials conducted a full readout of the results from the shocking month-long probe, to worshippers at last week’s Friday prayers.

“We’ve always suspected a government operative had infiltrated our sacred space, but the extent of this surveillance is mind boggling,” announced mosque President Khalid Hammad shaking his head before running through a long list of individuals involved.

“Folks who worked with the FBI include our very own Imam, our resident muezzin, the announcement dude, the guy in the hallway who dishes out extra judgmental stares every week… even the crying 2 year old kid from the sisters section was in on it.”

As Hammad continued to call out members, visibly red-faced patrons looked down in embarrassment and avoided eye contact with each other.

“We caught that uncle from the wudu area who clears his throat so loud the entire mosque can hear, trying to rat out the other uncle who over dramatically blows his nose for an hour. We also found men in the bathroom stalls trying to entrap each other, but the recorded audio was completely muffled by all the ghusal-ing.”

Hammad condemned his entire congregation and branded them as sellouts before he divulged one final, ironic detail.

“The only guy not involved is the white convert everyone thought was the informant.”

Follow (don’t surveil) @islamicanews as more information surfaces about Masjid-ul-Squeal.

Halal Steak Had Very Haram Past

Halal Steak Had Haram Past
Do you know where your halal meat’s been? The results from a background check of a halal steak recently served at a Chicago area restaurant showed the animal led a demonstrably haram life.

The results from a background check of a halal steak recently served at a Chicago area restaurant showed the animal led a demonstrably haram life.

The 18 month old bull named “Beevs” (now a 1 LB. New York Prime Strip amongst other cuts), spent much of his adult life at Creekwater Ranch taking part in drug-fueled parties, casual cattle orgies, and habitual gambling.Once considered the go-to herd sire by cattle farmers, Beevs took a precipitous fall from grace, and often showed up to work too drunk to breed.

“While the halal authenticity of this steak isn’t in question, the irony of its lifestyle is not lost on us,” wrote Inspector General Waleed Ali of the Halal Council of America.

Details from the report uncovered other disturbing finds.

“We were shocked to discover Beevs was in possession of a high interest-rate credit card, and often engaged in the wrong kind of marshmallows.”

Follow @islamicanews on Instagram to find out what’s at steak!

Imam Giving Friday Sermon Clearly Has Side Gig As Mall Santa

Imam Hasan Takloz
On Friday, worshippers at a north side Chicago mosque observed Imam Hasan Takloz give a passionate sermon while peculiarly dressed liked St. Nick.

On Friday, worshippers at a north side Chicago mosque observed Imam Hasan Takloz give a passionate sermon while peculiarly dressed liked St. Nick.

For 30 minutes, Takloz admonished his congregation to maintain their Islamic identity and not succumb to cultural norms, while the metallic bells on his wrist subtly jingled with each emphasis.

“I’m pretty sure my kid was on this guy’s lap this morning at the Lincoln Park Mall,” Hashim Khan whispered to a friend sitting next to him.

“In fact, I think my wife was too… wtf dude.”

Takloz reminded worshippers that God is always watching.“And my dear brothers and sisters… he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows when you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake,” chanted Takloz, visibly restraining himself from full-on Christmas carol mode.

After prayer, the Imam announced that his sleigh was blocked-in by two Toyotas.

Follow @islamicanews for more ho ho ho-akbar!

Bored Moon Sighting Committee Declares Eid For The Hell of It

Bored out of their minds, an area moon sighting committee decided to declare a random, never-heard-before Eid just for the hell of it.

Bored out of their minds, an area moon sighting committee decided to declare a random, never-heard-before Eid just for the hell of it.

The all male, veteran team of 6 struggled to find ways to be relevant, as the start of Ramadan was still over 6 months away.

“Our committee’s function is very specific,” explained 71 year old Abdul Malik as he played a game of bridge with the other men, robotically sipping on styrofoam cups of tea.

“We see the moon, we declare Eid. It’s what we do. It’s all we do.”

Through an audible yawn, Malik asked the team if they should just declare Eid tomorrow.

“I anticipated some push back, but the other guys just shrugged their shoulders and nodded without looking away from their playing cards.”

Malik resisted recent calls from the community to disband until necessary, and has indicated his group may declare several more Eids, now that they’ve set a precedent.

“It’s called job security baby.”

Follow @islamicanews but don’t follow these guys for Eid announcements.

HALL OF FAME