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Muslim Community Unveils Plans To Build Pre-Vandalized Mosque

The 30,000 square foot structure is being hailed by architecture communities as a "modern marvel" and is expected to deter any would-be future vandals.

Long Meadows, VA – On Sunday, members from the Long Meadows Islamic community unveiled their plans to build a 30,000 square foot, pre-vandalized mosque intended to serve the needs of the growing Northern Virginia Muslim community. Architects from around the world are hailing the innovative approach as a “modern marvel” as it fuses elements of graffiti, recurring arson, and bullet holes into the facade and framework of a structure expected to house peaceful worshippers praying for humanity’s well being.

Lead Developer and Architect Muhammad Mansoor said he was excited and honored to collaborate with renowned veteran mosque vandal Hank Philips, whose approach and style has heavily influenced modern day mosque vandalism. Philips works include the Murfeesboro Muslim Center and most notably, the Islamic Society of Tennessee — where he pioneered the practice of “pig head on doorstep.”

“Working with Mr. Philips has been a dream come true,” said Mansoor after presenting design layouts to a small audience of reluctant city council members. “His enthusiasm and conspiracy-driven approach has resulted in a xenophobic masterpiece.”

The mosque will also showcase sculptures of life-size mosque protesters as a permanent fixture in the front lawn with a plaque that reads, “In honor of all brave souls that protest that which they do not know.”

Construction of the mosque is expected to be completed within 18 months, and members expect to open their window-shattered doors by 2021.

Mosque Installs Giant Claw To Extract Worshippers Who Don’t Turn Their Cell Phones Off During Prayer

A suburban Chicago mosque recently installed a giant crane in its prayer hall to enforce a strict no cell phone policy.

Chicago, IL – A local mosque has taken dire steps to preserve the sanctity of prayer by installing a giant robotic crane perched at the top of its prayer hall.

“My phone went off during Zuhur prayers,” said Ali Siddiqui who was picked up by the claw earlier today. “I could feel this large metallic clamp lift me up and out of the hall, and then dropped me in this 1000 gallon dunking booth. Why does the mosque have a dunking booth?!?!” 

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Saudi Introduces New High Speed Tawaf Train

Tawaf High Speed Train
Saudi Arabia's latest effort to modernize Hajj for over 3 million pilgrims per year includes a train that can do tawaf at speeds up to 300 km/h.

Mecca, KSA – The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia has taken another step to modernize Islam’s holiest city of Mecca. Now worshippers can conduct their tawaf, the circumambulation of the Kaaba required during Umrah and Hajj, at speeds of up to 300 kilometers per hour. This after the Saudi government unveiled a high-speed train that races in a circle seven times before screeching to a halt.

The Kingdom has been rolling out high-speed trains to address logistical transportation challenges experienced during the Hajj, and feels “The Tawaf Express” streamlines the fulfillment of a cornerstone ritual required of every pilgrim.

“There is no logistical aspect of Hajj that cannot be addressed by a high speed train,” said head engineer Khaled El-Sharouf. “Getting from Medinah to Mecca, high speed train. Doing Tawaf, high speed train. Doing ablution, high speed train with showerheads. Holding dissenting journalist accountable, high speed train… equipped with high speed bone saw of course…”

Not without failures, the train has derailed 1,456 times within the first 24 hours of operation, thanks in part to the massive centrifugal force exerted by the five-star luxury hotel in each car, and a soaring clock tower in tow.

On Tuesday, the braking system failed as 250 passengers were stuck on the train for 2 hours.

“We kept going and going, and went around the kaaba 2,500 times,” said one pilgrim from the United Kingdom. “That’s like 350 umrahs.”

Most other passengers were unavailable to share their experience with Islamica News, as many suffered whiplash or severe nausea and had to be rushed to nearby hospitals… on high speed train of course.

CHECK OUT THESE LESSER KNOWN MUSLIM TRAILBLAZERS!

Islamica News recently compiled a list of the not-so-familiar Muslim-American pioneers breaking the mould. Scroll through below to read about their accomplishments and valuable contributions to the community!

Kanye West Speaks To His Bass

Observers dismissed Kanye West's confusing rant in the Oval Office as him simply "speaking to his bass."

Washington, DC – In a bizarre turn of events, Rapper Kanye West met Thursday with Donald Trump, telling the President in an Oval Office meeting before reporters why he has been a big fan of the POTUS.

News analysts claim that the perplexing and beatless dialogue exchanged with Trump was simply West “speaking to his bass.”

“Kanye always does this when he freestyles,” said wife Kim Kardashian. “He’s just trying to find a backbeat to his hook… without it, he just sounds crazy.”

Fallout from the artists erratic behavior is expected, and the artist may find himself in even more treble.

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