Dear Parents/Guardians,

We’d like to welcome you back to the new school year and what a year it’s been! You may have seen a small blurb about a recent incident at the school. We’d like to make sure everyone’s informed as God hates hearsay as much as he hates heresy!

Your child’s safety and well-being is always our top priority, unless that child happens to be non-white or a girl. We were informed a student arrived at the school yesterday and was, in fact, a Muslim. The student had several suspicious items and potential weapons including a clock, glasses, school books and questioning curiosity.

Upon discovering this, we had the insurgent immediately questioned and arrested. We are pleased to report that after the police department’s assessment, the items discovered at school did not pose a threat to your child’s safety. Thank Jesus he didn’t have any bullets.

Our school is cooperating fully with the ongoing police investigation. In light of this attack, we’ll be holding a school assembly later today to address questions and concerns.

To avoid potential hostility during the assembly, we’re asking minority students to sit in a special, protected section of the bleachers. This section will have metal detectors and armed police officers as a precaution for the safety of those children as well as our other normal kids.

Our mascot, “Shooty” the Cowboy, will be give a speech on safety and non-violence. Please be aware that all students will be required to take a pledge and swear oath to God and government.

To parents of Muslim families, in particular, please note you’re more than welcome to practice Sharia law in your homes but bringing any of that ooga booga stuff into the classroom is strictly against the Irving ISD Student Code of Conduct and applicable laws.

Finally, I’d like to remind you that our school bake sale is this Friday. We’ll have a wide assortment of cupcakes, cookies, and non-explosive baked goods. Please remember to send $5 with your children if they wish to participate. Any students using their $5 to fund Hamas will be arrested.

Thank you for your understanding and support of MacArthur High School as we do everything we can for your child’s safety.

Sincerely,

Don Cummings
Principal

COLUMBUS, OH – Expressing frustrations with his repeated ‘Ghandi’ references last year, Southwood Elementary Fourth Grader Mike “Mikey” Washington is making efforts to expand his insult repertoire in the new year.

“You need your go-to’s and ‘Ghandi’ has been good to me,” noted Washington. “But I can’t become complacent. I admit I’m lacking in worldliness but I need to expand my merciless horizons.”

During a press conference, Washington read new insults from a crumpled sheet of paper he removed from his back pocket. The nine-year old grew increasingly frustrated as he struggled to read his own handwriting due to poor penmanship and a lack of adequate school supplies.

“Turban…turb…turdban? I can’t read this one. Wacky Iraqi? Hah I like that one,” proclaimed Washington. “Oh wait, here’s a good one! Camel! And Osama…maybe that’s still culturally offensive?”

Classmate Feroz Habeeb stated he’s disappointed Washington didn’t transfer, but hopes “Mikey” mixes it up and distributes the bullying to other kids. One of Washington’s favorite targets, Habeeb suffered repeated bullying last year and three “monster” wedgies, one requiring minor hospitalization.

“Mikey’s is a real jerk,” noted Habeeb, while unpacking his lunch. “It’s bad enough the teachers can’t pronounce my name and we don’t have lotas in the bathroom.”

At press time Washington demonstrated his new move, the “Curry Wedgie,” by pouring Habeeb’s rice and lentil lunch down his pants, lifting him one foot off the ground by his underwear, and referring to him as “Ghandi” numerous times.