Monday, May 6, 2024
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Area Muslim Man Suspected of Being Closeted President of the United States: 49% of Republicans still believe Muslims are hiding their status as Commander-in-Chiefs.

Since 2008, Muslim Americans have had to deal with the misperception that all of them are Presidents of the United States.

Washington, DC – When Donald Trump supporter Christine Hendrickson was asked if she thought President Obama is a Muslim, she responded, “No, but I do think all Muslims in the US are secretly Presidents of the United States.”

And she’s not alone. Approximately 49% of Republicans believe that Muslims in America are hiding their true identities as POTUS(es). Conservatives remain unconvinced that Muslims living in the United States are everyday, hard-working, non-presidential citizens.

51-year-old Kamal Aziz, an American born Muslim of Pakistani origin, is constantly bombarded with suspicion of being the leader of the free world.

“I get it all the time, you know? Every where I go, I hear ‘Mr. President… Mr. President!’”

“One time I walked into a room, and some band started playing ‘Hail to the Chief.’”

Aziz recalled a day when he was pulled out of the airport security line by the TSA, and then escorted onto Air Force One.

“I tried telling them that I’m just an Electrical Engineer from Texas, but they just winked at me and said ‘Sure you are Mr. President.’”

Neighbor Maggie Evans is thoroughly convinced Aziz belongs in the White House, and says she has overwhelming evidence to support her case.

“If he’s not the President, why does he wear suits when he leaves the house every morning?” says the 62-year-old Florist. “I saw him giving a speech to the family through his living room window… looked pretty presidential to me.”

“Unless he shares his birth certificate with the rest of the nation, I’m going to continue to criticize him on his domestic policies.”

New York City taxi driver Syed Jamal is frequently questioned by his passengers in regards to his national agenda.

“I jokingly tell them that i’m going to dissolve Uber,” says Jamal. “Because I (expletive) hate Uber.”

As the nation enters another election year, Muslim Americans are expected to endure even more perks of the Office of the President.

Muslim Republican Starting to Think This is a Bad Idea: Radicalized Man Re-Assessing Views

Saleem's previously-staunch beliefs are beginning to unravel.

CANTON, OH – Speaking candidly to reporters in the back of a Trump Rally, 44-Year Old Mohid “Moe” Saleem remarked he’s starting to regret his choice to support the Republican party, adding he’s “beginning to genuinely fear for his life.” The small business owner has supported conservative movements and the Republican party for nearly two decades.

“I was living the American dream. I started with nothing and through hard work, made my way up the ladder. I now own five 7-Elevens,” stated the college-educated descendent of Indian doctors. “That’s 35 Elevens! Love to America!”

However Saleem explained his conservative beliefs have grown more radicalized over the years, often remarking “only lazy people” are the ones that don’t succeed and spewing a variety of anti-immigrant views despite himself being a first-generation South Asian immigrant.

“A light bulb went off for me at this Trump rally,” stated Saleem, referencing numerous anti-Muslim remarks seemingly supported by Trump. “I’m used to a few of my Republican brothers shouting slurs at me. They confuse me for the enemies of our great nation and it can happen to anyone, really. That’s why I drape myself in an American flag whenever I’m in public.”

“But after Mr. Trump responded and called Muslims ‘horrible ragheads,’ everyone started looking at me. A few minutes went by and security guards escorted me out at gunpoint. That kind of hurt. I’m confused? Maybe this was a bad idea.”

Saleem noted remarks from Trump, Carson and Cruz also have him questioning whether or not Republicans understand or have even read the constitution. While re-evaluating his political views, Saleem reiterated he’s “a patriotic American” and made numerous requests nobody beat him up because of his name or the way he looks.

Ahmed’s Parents Concerned Too Many People Standing Around: Family Home Endures Massive Overcrowding

The family claims their home environment has turned into a "giant house party, minus Kid 'n Play."

Irving, TX – Following his arrest and rise to social media stardom, Ahmed Mohamed’s parents are growing concerned there are “far too many people” standing around their house “at all hours, day and night.”

The family claims their 1800 square foot split-level single family home has been barraged by a slew of supporters “covering every square inch” of their home. The family is worried about overcrowding and fire hazards resulting onslaught of supporters visiting their home.

“The #IStandWithAhmed movement makes me very happy for the support my son’s received,” stated his father. “But we need to get to sleep and there’s a couple of hundred people standing around, talking and watching TV at all hours of the night.”

“Obama’s crashed on the couch and I’m pretty sure an MIT professor clogged the toilet. Also, we’ve stated there’s no smoking in our house but there are butts everywhere.”

At press time, 14-year old Ahmed was seen giggling at his father’s mention of the word “butt.”

Texas School Celebrates Brilliant White Student’s Homemade Clock: “We’re not sure what it is, but I’m pretty sure it can cure cancer.”

White student Alfred Mulholland is presented a lifetime award for his brilliance in creating a suspicious homemade clock out of a pencil box and circuit boards.

Irving, TX – A Texas high school celebrated a moment of innovation and genius yesterday as 14-year-old student Alfred Mulholland revealed a clock he made using a pencil box, a circuit board and wires.

The staff at Irving High School were made aware of the student’s invention when the improvised device emitted a beeping sound from the student’s backpack, drawing the attention of Mulholland’s English teacher, Karen Davis.

“I asked him, ‘What in devil is that? And WHY are you keeping this gem all to yourself?'” said the 43-year old instructor.

“It kinda looked like a bomb, but there was something about the complexion of his skin that just didn’t add up.”

Davis admitted that she didn’t know what the device was, but strongly believed it “held the potential to cure cancer.”

Other faculty members were invited to witness the modern marvel. After reviewing the clock, Principal Dave Cummings called for a mandatory pep-rally.

“Normally our pep-rallies are planned events, but this was an extraordinary circumstance,” said Cummings, who has been with the district for 10 years.

“It’s not every day our white students make suspicious looking clocks!”

By noon, the school auditorium was packed with enthusiastic students and teachers amidst a shower of confetti and balloons as Europe’s ‘Final Countdown’ blared over the speakers. A laser hologram of a blinking ’12:00′ flashed behind a team of cheerleaders doing the robot with oversized clocks around their necks.

The school presented Mulholland with the district’s “Lifetime Achievement Award for Innovation” and invited him to speak on stage.

“Well to be honest, it was actually a failed bomb experiment,” said the caucasian freshman as he revealed the project to his fellow classmates.

After a brief period of pin-drop silence, the crowd erupted in cheers as the ‘Final Countdown’ blared once more.

Members of the local police department were invited to quit their jobs, as a sense of peace prevailed across the suburb of Dallas.

Ahmed Mohamed, a fellow student and self-proclaimed inventor mentioned that he had made a similar invention, but was told to “shut up” because “today is ‘Alfred Mulholland Day.'”

MacArthur High School E-Newsletter: From the Desk of the Principal

Dear Parents/Guardians,

We’d like to welcome you back to the new school year and what a year it’s been! You may have seen a small blurb about a recent incident at the school. We’d like to make sure everyone’s informed as God hates hearsay as much as he hates heresy!

Your child’s safety and well-being is always our top priority, unless that child happens to be non-white or a girl. We were informed a student arrived at the school yesterday and was, in fact, a Muslim. The student had several suspicious items and potential weapons including a clock, glasses, school books and questioning curiosity.

Upon discovering this, we had the insurgent immediately questioned and arrested. We are pleased to report that after the police department’s assessment, the items discovered at school did not pose a threat to your child’s safety. Thank Jesus he didn’t have any bullets.

Our school is cooperating fully with the ongoing police investigation. In light of this attack, we’ll be holding a school assembly later today to address questions and concerns.

To avoid potential hostility during the assembly, we’re asking minority students to sit in a special, protected section of the bleachers. This section will have metal detectors and armed police officers as a precaution for the safety of those children as well as our other normal kids.

Our mascot, “Shooty” the Cowboy, will be give a speech on safety and non-violence. Please be aware that all students will be required to take a pledge and swear oath to God and government.

To parents of Muslim families, in particular, please note you’re more than welcome to practice Sharia law in your homes but bringing any of that ooga booga stuff into the classroom is strictly against the Irving ISD Student Code of Conduct and applicable laws.

Finally, I’d like to remind you that our school bake sale is this Friday. We’ll have a wide assortment of cupcakes, cookies, and non-explosive baked goods. Please remember to send $5 with your children if they wish to participate. Any students using their $5 to fund Hamas will be arrested.

Thank you for your understanding and support of MacArthur High School as we do everything we can for your child’s safety.

Sincerely,

Don Cummings
Principal

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