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Islamica Asks: On which day will you be celebrating Eid-ul-Fitr?

Some Muslims will be celebrating Eid-ul-Fitr on a different day. Islamica News Asks: Which day will you be celebrating it on?

As the end of Ramadan draws near, many Muslims will be celebrating the holiday of Eid-Ul-Fitr. Because of varying cultures and schools of thought, Muslims will likely find themselves celebrating it on different days. Which day will you be observing Eid?

bro5

“Obviously we don’t want to go to hell with the other heathens… so Saturday.”
Maleek Rabab

sis4

“Our moon sighting committee keeps arguing about the start of Ramadan. We have yet to start fasting.”
Aliyah Mahmood

bro4

“Given that we live in Mosul, a stronghold of ISIS… never. Whatever. They’re cutting my head off next Wednesday.”
Ali Fuzail

sis3

“When my new outfit comes in from Pakistan.”
Sana Waleed

klansman

“Celebrating it? More like when will we be protesting it. We’re desperately scrambling to organize a ‘Draw a Ramadan’ cartoon contest in front of a temple.”
Wilfred “Billy” Williams

Check out more Islamica Asks.

Man In I’tikaf Asks For Wi-Fi Password: Continues to complain about download speeds during his spiritual retreat

Since the start of his I’tikaf, Saleem Niwad has been FaceTiming with relatives and catching up on his Netflix faves.

Dallas, TX – Thirty minutes into his I’tikaf, Saleem Niwad peeked out from his makeshift, isolated space to ask for the password to the mosque’s wi-fi network.

I’tikaf is the personal, spiritual retreat, in which Muslims seclude themselves from others to engage solely in acts of worship. Observers are restricted from engaging in casual conversations with others, and are required to spend this sacred time in a mosque, typically during the last 10 days of Ramadan.

“Clearly, Saleem didn’t get the memo,” said Khalid Khan, volunteer at the north side mosque.

Mosque officials observed 37 year old Niwad as he struggled to conform to the strict requirements of the I’tikaf.

Niwad’s irritating voice could be heard echoing throughout the prayer hall, as he periodically complained about download speeds from behind the flimsy bed sheet separating him from other worshippers.

“Can someone reboot the router?” he asked in a resentful tone as others lined up for the afternoon congregation. “Anybody? SO much buffering.”

Fellow Mu’takifs (people who observe the I’tikaf) complained that they had to endure Niwad’s sporadic outbursts of laughter throughout the night, apparently from watching downloaded episodes of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

“He kept FaceTiming with his ex-wife, telling her he’s become a changed man… and he kept calling every five minutes to tell her how the I’tikaf is tough, but he’s committed,” stated an anonymous Mu’takif who had to camp beside Niwad.

Earlier this morning, Niwad sparked temporary hope among other worshippers as they heard him loudly chanting ‘Ameen.’ However, after closer observation, Niwad was really humming ‘Amen.’

“He was singing Take Me to Church… in the middle of a mosque prayer hall!” exclaimed a shocked Khan as he slapped his forehead and shook his head.

“It truly is the end of days.”

As the last day of Ramadan draws near, Saleem Niwad is expected to complete his I’tikaf and return home, but not before he completes the fifth season of Game of Thrones.

What do you make of ISIS banning Eid prayers?

ISIS recently banned residents in Mosul from offering congregational Eid al-Fitr prayer, claiming the practice is not part of Islam. What are your thoughts?

bro5

“Agreed. Brother Bilal’s extended hugs get creepier every year.”
Maleek Rabab

sis4

“I’m hella bummed I don’t get to wear my new glitter jilbab, but at least our new dictators aren’t using chemical weapons against us like our old dictator.”
Aliyah Mahmood

bro4

“Look on the bright side – at least we don’t have to pay the $5 fee and carry around funky smelling plastic bags that look like shoe sausages.”
Ali Fuzail

sis3

“Looks like the sheer khurma has been replaced with fear khurma. See what I did there?”
Sana Waleed

klansman

“Backwards regimes with ominous flags representing oppression need to be held accountable. But can I please keep at least one Confederate flag?”
Wilfred “Billy” Williams

Check out more Islamica Asks.

IndoPak Muslims Urge Return to Ramzan, Khuda Hafiz, Slalekum: "Allah Miya wants this!"

Festival organizers are hoping to take Desi Urban Muslim Pride (DUMP) to the next level this year.

CHICAGO, IL – Muslims of Indian and Pakistani descent are demanding a return to their roots, rejecting the recent “Arabization” of their language and culture.

“The transient subcontinent culture takes great pride in arbitrarily deleting vowels, syllables, and logic when borrowing words and ideas from other cultures,” explained Professor Shakeel Ahmed from the University of Indians and Chinese (UIC). “Not long ago, Muslims from the subcontinent would say Khuda Hafiz when leaving someone’s house during Ramzan“.

“We won’t be told what to do by dirty Arabs!”

Ahmed elaborated terms such as “Ramadan” are attempts to reform the longstanding “Ramzan” mispronunciation of their Persian ancestors. Other example include “Allah Hafiz” recently supplanting “Khuda Hafiz” and “Assalamualaikum” replacing the traditional “Slalekum.”

“We’re also willing to accept variants such as ‘Salekum,’ ‘Asakalekum,’ and random gargling sounds. Maybe even ‘Namaste.’ We want to return to an arbitrary point in history we consider our roots, but must be careful not going so far back we become Hindu again, or worse – primates.”

“That’s exactly what the jinns want.”

Others are joining Ahmed in pushing for “Desi Muslim Pride.”

“Sorry for being late,” explained Pervez Khan, founder of the Desi Urban Muslim Pride (DUMP) Parade. Arriving two hours late to our interview, he offered no explanation for his tardiness.

“Anyway this year, we are taking DUMP to next level. We will have floats with all colors of the rainbow and signs with original Hindi and Urdu words all over them. No Arabic! Allah Miya wants this!” explained Khan, “Devon Avenue will be plastered with DUMP!”

Khan anticipates the DUMP Parade taking place “later this month or something like that” but many are skeptical. Traditionally in past years, DUMP organizers have delayed festivities while haggling city officials for required license fees.

“Bloody Amreekan rules!” lamented Khan.

New Mosque Built Entirely Out of Tossed Date Pits: Walls of Ramadan breath waft through the 11,000 square foot structure

The 11,000 square foot mosque is the first of its kind, comprised of 10 million date pits and a 'Pul-pit' for its Imam.

Parsippany, NJ – The Muslim Association of New Jersey (MANJ) is celebrating the opening of their new mosque, which is built entirely out of disposed date pits. Community members are lauding the successful construction project as both innovative and environment-friendly.

Haris Adeeb, president of MANJ, said he got the idea when he slipped on a cluster of date pits during one of the community’s iftar events, leaving one pit permanently lodged in his forehead.

“Every year we’re stuck with industrial-sized piles of tossed date pits,” said Adeeb, who is an immigrant of Morocco. “When I hit my head on the floor, I could have gotten angry – but instead I got serious… about date pits.”

Mosque officials consulted with architects and engineers, many of which refused to participate in the project citing structural concerns.

The 11,000 square foot building required nearly 10 million date pits to construct. Every year, the community generates only 8 million date pits, leaving a 2 million date-pit-deficit. Officials had to turn to the community to fundraise the additional seed count.

For two weeks straight, Adeeb implored congregations to raise pit counts by reaching deep into their pockets and fish out any random date pits.

Long time congregant Jameel Wallace, made a pledge to eat 10,000 dates over the course of two iftars.

“All I remember is chewing, spitting, chewing, spitting, chewing, spitting,” said the generous Wallace who sprained his jaw in the process.

The project suffered more than a few glitches including a leaky roof, swarms of fruit flies and the persistent odor of Ramadan breath emanating from the date pits. The community has dubbed the main room, the “Prayer Hall-itosis.”

“Brother Fareed forgot to wash the date pits before we used them for construction,” said a resentful Adeeb. “Which doesn’t surprise me, because he NEVER washes his pits, if you know what I mean.”

Another feature at the new mosque is the Imam’s “Pul-pit” – a lectern made from exotic Mejool date pits.

The community is expected to host an official opening ceremony at the end of Ramadan, but no final date has been announced (no pun intended).

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