Tuesday, November 26, 2024
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Mosque Architect “Really Enjoying” New Trump Sign: So Much Gold, So Much Mirrors

Faraz annoyed construction workers by cheering enthusiastically as the sign was built over the past week.

CHICAGO, IL – Swimming contrary to general public sentiment, a local architect responsible for the design and build of many area mosques expressed enthusiasm over the new sign defacing the Trump Tower. The 52 year old, identified as Naperville resident Mohsin Faraz, could barely contain his enthusiasm.

“It’s just so beautiful,” espoused Faraz. “So much golds around the letter. And the mirror windows were beautifully complimented with more mirrors in the letters.”

Faraz, a huge supporter of the “gold and mirrors” school of design, proudly noted he’s worked many of these same elements into area mosques.

“I love the gold and golden, but many masjid can’t afford the real gold so we use fake,” he explained. “But I am certain Mr. Tramp use the real gold here because he is very rich you know.”

Not all congregants at the mosques Faraz has built agree, however.

“It looks so tacky, like we’re on a treasure hunt at an amusement park,” stated one worshipper. “As a community, we invested over $3 million to build this mosque so it’s disappointing the chandelier, lighting fixtures and some doors look like half-melted pieces of plastic someone obviously spray painted gold.”

Another mosque regular questioned whether having donation boxes “covered with gold and mirrors” was good idea. He added Faraz’s decision to make a stair pulpit entirely of glass and gold is probably a fire hazard.

Faraz doesn’t appear to let the criticism get to him. Stating he’s “newly perspired” by Trump, Faraz intends to incorporate a similar sign into an Islamic school he’s currently architecting.

When asked for comment, school administration promptly fired Faraz and are actively seeking new architects.

Man Binge Watches DVR Mecca Coverage From Last Ramadan: Glad He Finally Caught Up Before Ramadan 2014

Luqman admits he dozed off in some parts he felt were non-essential to the overall plot line.

HANOVER PARK, IL – Rafi Luqman quickly ran to the bathroom prior to the start of his press conference. Understandably, the 34 year old hasn’t left his couch in nearly a month as he’s finally finished watching DVR recordings of news coverage from Mecca last year during Ramadan.

“That Muslim channel, Crossroads, was running a live stream 24×7 and I felt bad because I was so busy last year. I love that show,” he stated. “The blessings, they’re so riveting.”

Luqman resolved to “catch up” before this years live stream. He went into his basement and turned on the DVR to watch a few hours of coverage but reportedly was “hooked” after the first few minutes.

“I couldn’t look away and was constantly wondering what was going to happen next.”

He spent a grand total of 600 hours spanning four weeks watching nearly nonstop, only taking small breaks to use the restroom or make a sandwich.

“Thankfully they had a lot of commercials I could skip and fast forward, but I was committed to watching the whole thing, start to finish.”

He says he’ll miss his favorite character, “squiggly guy in a green prayer hat” and added he’ll be “first in line” to buy the DVD when released.

“I’m curious about the director’s commentary and there’s Internet rumors of an alternate ending. I’m definitely going to catch the new season live when it debuts in a few weeks.”

Until then, he plans to clean up the basement and continue his job hunt.

When asked, Luqman’s angry, confused wife explained there isn’t a television in the basement.

Alcoholic Muslims Enjoy Final Drinks 40 Days Prior to Ramadan: Pre-Ramadan Sobriety May Give Way to Fasting This Year

Adham singlehandedly kept the party going until 3am, after which he was savagely beaten by family and friends.

PENSACOLA, FL – In a bid to enjoy the last few moments of their sinful ways, alcohol-drinking local Muslims raised their glasses to toast their final drinks for the next 70 days or so.

Gathering at a bar off the interstate, a crowd of 15-20 attended their annual “Ramadrink” festival. The event has sparked outrage from the local Muslim community, many of whom waited in the parking lot to beat friends and/or relatives who may be in attendance.

“It’s an annual, global celebration, really,” stated longtime drinker Sameeul Adham. “We bid the sauce a tearful goodbye and in a month or two, who knows? Just kidding. We all know.”

Adham noted that he plans to purify his body by abstaining from eating pork, drinking alcohol or smoking “excessively” during the month. He also noted he plans to attempt fasting at least “once or twice” if he’s “feeling it.”

“Ramadan was started like 100 years ago. It’s a long tradition of not doing bad things and drinking and smoking. The devil is away or in a box or something right? Where is he? I don’t [expletive] know. Alls I’m saying is the Quran or hadith or Google tells you not to drink for 40 days or you go to hell or something,” he rambled between sobs, belches and flatulation.

Adham, a longtime marijuana smoker, intends to stop getting stoned for the same time period of time “just to be safe” despite being unsure as to why he arbitrarily abstains from any of these substances in this specific manner.

At press time Adham enjoyed a “TAK Beer,” seemingly unaware his mother and older brother are in the parking lot prepared to beat the living crap out of him.

10 Shocking, Lesser Known Signs of the Day of Judgement: You Won't Believe Them, But They're Absolutely True

1. “Splitting of the moon” refers to Rihanna bending down to pick up her iPhone off the red carpet.

signs-splittingmoon

2. Dajjal’s Younger Brother, Larry, will follow him everywhere he goes, cackling incessantly.

signs-larry

3. When the ratio of women to men becomes 50:1, that creepy uncle will finally have a chance at marriage but somehow keep screwing it up.

signs-uncle

4. Texting while praying will become common.

muslim-praying

5. After his resurrection, Isa’s (as) first miracle will be ridding the world of Candy Crush invites.

signs-candycrush

6. Gog and Magog are, in fact, a boy band whose world tour will destroy mankind as we know it.

signs-dogmagog

7. The Great War between good & evil will take place entirely in online comments.

signs-comment

8. When the sun rises from the west, everything will reverse and Muslims will start showing up early to everything.

signs-late

9. When the trumpet sounds, Lou Bega will immediately be resurrected to sing one last performance of Mambo #5 before being damned eternally to hell.

signs-trumpet

10. If this article gets a million likes, we’re all doomed.

signs-end

Burning Bus Forces London Authorities to Reconsider Hussain Arrest: Authorities Fearful Another Vehicle May Soon Burn

The bus was reportedly very hot and sent a strong international signal.

LONDON, UK – Following the arrest and subsequent detention of Muttahida Qaumi Movement (MQM) leader Altaf Hussain yesterday, London authorities are now learning that a bus was set on fire in Karachi as retaliation by Hussain’s supporters.

“Mr. Hussain appears to have been laundering money for years. We simply wanted to ask some questions and see if these there’s something to prosecute,” stated one officer with really, really bad teeth.

“We didn’t expect things to escalate so quickly. Burning a bus in the middle of the road introduces a sophisticated, calculated level of response which, quite frankly, we’re scrambling to deal with.”

Many MQM supporters have taken to the streets yelling, destroying public property and publicly urinating as part of their normal Thursday routine. Many note the yelling, however, is slightly louder and more directed than usual.

Loud chants of “We will burn another!” could be heard alongside “Altaf! Where are you?!” and “Who is Altaf?!”

Burning vehicles, often employed as a negotiation tactic for local Pakistani disputes, have increasingly become a weapon of foreign diplomacy. London authorities are fearful another bus may be set ablaze any moment now and are working expeditiously to release Hussain.

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