Columbiana, OH – For the 427^th consecutive Friday, the McDonald’s off of State Route 7 in Columbiana is out of Filet-O-Fish sandwiches.

Day shift manager of the 26-year-old McDonald’s store, Alex Guiterez, is puzzled by the trend.

“Every single Friday, it’s the same thing, over and over again, says Guiterez as he wipes the tartar sauce off his forehead. “They come in through those doors like bulls in a stampede, and all you hear them say is ‘fish-sandwich, 2 fish sandwich, 3 fish sandwich, 35 fish sandwich!’”

The Filet-O-Fish sandwich has become a staple item on the McDonald’s menu for the past few decades.  The sandwich was the first non-hamburger menu item brought in by new McDonald’s company owner Ray Kroc. However, Guiterez points out that no one buys the sandwich at his store outside of Fridays.

Sixteen-year-old employee Nicole Creel is ‘grossed-out’ every time she gets an order.

“Whenever I have to press the Filet-o-Fish button on the register, I’m just like Eew,” says Creel.  “And they never say Filet-O-Fish it’s always like ‘Gimme a fish-sandwich’.”

Passing-thru traveler Shaikh Khalid Mabuti likes to order his Filet-O-Fish with extra bacon.

“You’re not going to print that, right?” asks a nervous Mabuti.

Employees of the restaurant and the Columbiana community remain confused on the matter.

RACINE, WI – Dollar stores around the world are issuing a massive footwear recall. The products, marketed as sandals, flip-flops or “chappals,” depending on the region, appear to have serious design issues affecting many consumers.

According to consumer complaints, many within the Muslim market, the footwear “deteriorates quickly, often within the first few days of use” however many people note the occasional pair lasts “forever, [at least] several decades.”

“These are cheap pieces of foam and plastic. Absolute garbage,” notes Mukhtar Saleem, president of Muslim Watchdogs Afraid of Dogs (MWAD), a popular Muslim consumer watchdog group. “There are literally hundreds of dollars that need to be refunded worldwide.”

MWAD noted numerous additional flaws including inconsistencies of sole thickness and tread pattern irregularities, leading to many slips and injuries in wudu areas and bathrooms.

Physicians also noted that problematic plastic straps have “gashed countless areas between the big toe and the…umm…middle toe whatever you call it.”

Consumer advocates are hailing this as a victory for exposed toes everywhere, noting it’s the largest recall since last summer’s Lotacorp fiasco. The Lotacorp recall, involving the promotional “Sriracha Lota,” is still a sore spot for many involved.

FT. WORTH, TX – On the eve of a major demolition this morning, a local construction crew made a startling discovery in the basement of Tandy Computers’ former headquarters.

A man, identified as 47 Year-old IT Support Technician Ali Kamal, was spotted quietly playing solitaire on his now-vintage Compaq Presario 2200 desktop computer.

“We startled him and I think he peed himself,” explained the demolition foreman. “He pretended like he didn’t see us and Alt-Tabbed over to a command prompt like he was working on something.”

“I am sorry,” Kamal stated as he excused himself to go to the bathroom.

Apparently living in the basement of the facility since the late 90’s, Kamal was laid off when Tandy was acquired by CompUSA, which subsequently ceased operations in 2007.

He explains he’s wandered the halls surviving off vending machines littered throughout the vast campus and didn’t suspect anything was afoul despite not seeing a single co-worker for the past two decades.

“I thought I was promoted. I am very busy you know,” explained Kamal. “The network was not optimal but the ping for the Window 95 subroutine is not [unintelligible] formatting FAT16 partition. Very complex but I can fix.”

A nervously-smiling Kamal proudly showcased his living arrangements, including his “employee of the month” certificate from August 1995, “MCSE for Dummies” book collection and numerous “Friends” VHS tapes.

“I love that show. I think the Ross guy is going to love-marriage the Rachel girl,” hypothesized Kamal. “They are soul mates. I would like to friendship with lady like this one day.”

When questioned why he never attempted to communicate with the outside world, Kamal explained, “My Startac phone never gets very good reception. Cingular service is terrible in the basement.”

Despite not being in the workforce since the turn of the millennium, Kamal is still oddly qualified for numerous IT openings in the area and expects to land a new gig within the next two weeks.