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Scam Alert: Authorities Warn ‘Extended Wudu Warranties’ Not Real: If You Break It, You Must Do It Again

Many were deceived by the convincing appearance of the fake warranty.

CHICAGO, IL – Community leaders and authorities are warning of a scam involving the sale of extended warranties for wudu, the Muslim ablution process.

Law enforcement officials cite increased reports from citizens receiving phone calls and cleverly-worded e-mail claiming protection against the accidental loss or breaking of Wudu. Authorities believe these scammers made away with more than one million dollars from bogus insurance premiums.

Victims claim scammers establish credibility by outlining numerous common scenarios for wudu loss such as passing gas, cursing, thinking of spiritually unlawful thoughts, or the occasional flashing of a knee cap.

“It was like he was speaking to me, peering into my shameful soul,” claimed one hapless victim.

Once convinced, victims are led to believe that by purchasing the insurance, the state of wudu can be protected up to one year from the time of an initial rinse.

Desperate souls flocked to the idea of an accident protection plan against their wudu, as many saw it as a practical solution to a common problem.

Hussain Iftikhar purchased $500 worth of the phony wudu insurance, claiming that it would help him get through the day.

“If you’re subjected to the type of foods my family cooks, with all the lentils, spices, and such, you’ll know that preserving your wudu is a minute by minute challenge,” Iftikhar said. “I thought all my problems were solved. I didn’t do wudu for three months! Then I happened to visit Snopes.com one day, and my faith in humanity was shattered.”

Director of the local Islamic Society and Part-time Matchmaker Shaikh Khalid Mabuti, states that there is no truth to claims of protecting Wudu through insurance plans.

“If you fart, or sh*t your pants, you have to do Wudu all over again, just like the rest of us gentiles,” explained Mabuti.

Local Teen Ponders Coming Out of “Medical Closet”: Fears Family Scrutiny, Ridicule

Husain noted his father threatened to disown him if he switched to a "nonsense" major.

HOUSTON, TX – Helplessly locked into a Medicine major since the age of seven, local teen Salman “Silly” Husain is considering calling it quits.

“High school was grueling with all the AP classes,” noted Husain. “Now I’m looking at another decade of pre-med, medical school and residency. I’m just not sure it’s right for me.”

Husain’s not alone in his machine-like march to a six-figure salary. Not long ago, several children of affluent immigrants formed a support group called MLEFT in Greater Houston.

“MLEFT was founded to support students moving away from predetermined majors in medicine, law, engineering and finance,” stated MLEFT founder Bilal Apaluza.

When asked about the final T in MLEFT Apaluza responded, “Transexuals joined later somehow. We’re not sure what to do.”

Supported by the MLEFT community, students like Husain are encouraged to discovery career paths beyond the narrow desires of their parents. MLEFT also provides peer support when confronting family bias and pressures.

Husain’s longtime friend Viral Thakkar, also a former premed student ironically with a name like Viral, introduced him to the group.

“We were pulling an all-nighter once and I could tell Silly was underwater,” remarked Thakkar. “He’s usually so upbeat and fun. It’s sad to see him living like in denial. That’s when I knew I had to introduce him to the group.”

“It’s good not to feel alone,” stated Husain. “Ever since I was a kid, my parents dreamed I’d be a doctor. I don’t know how to tell them but we’re figuring it out. It’s going to break their hearts. Maybe I can soften the blow by first telling them I’m gay.”

Feature Length “Mipsterz” Movie Disappoints at Box Office: Filmmakers Fear Trailer Was Released Too Early

Many were charmed by the posthumous Michael Jackson cameo, but confused by the overemphasis of pancakes.

LOS ANGELES, CA – After a hugely successful viral marketing campaign, fans of the “Mipsterz” trailer turned out in droves for the premiere of the feature-length film. Despite large crowds and huge online buzz, however, many moviegoers left theaters unsatisfied.

“The trailer was awesome. Lots of skateboards, ice cream cones, and pancakes being used in creative ways,” commented one fan. “But the best parts were in the trailer.”

Many echo similar sentiment, citing a formulaic narrative and the lack of character development or plot. Despite a $2 million production budget, many felt the film’s special effects were overdone and question the lack of any big-name actors.

“The biggest name you have, Noor Tagouri, wasted her talents in a minor, non-speaking role,” stated one frustrated fan. “They just cut to her smiling every minute or two. And what’s up with that terrorist dude doing the Harlem Shake?”

“I give it a D,” noted film critic and blogger Zaki Hasan. Hasan added, “The CGI was awful but I liked the twist ending with a cliffhanger. [The filmmakers] obviously had sequels in mind but I question their decision to make it into a three-hour epic.”

Quiet Muslim Woman Secretly Rageaholic on Road: Patterns Noticed, Many Fearful

Confused residents refer to Daud as a modern-day "Jekyll and Hyde."

DEARBORN, MI – Parents at a local Islamic School were given a rude awakening last week in the form of screeching tires on a 2005 Lexus RX-330 SUV. The aggressive driver, identified as 29 Year Old Faria Daud, was spotted weaving in and out of traffic approximately 30 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.

“One second she’s honking like a cab driver and the next she’s smiling, kissing her kids goodbye and giggling like nothing happened,” stated one confused onlooker. “It’s really at odds with her ‘Coexist’ bumper sticker.”

“I think she flicked me off,” stated parent and longtime family friend Asad Maluza. “I’ve never seen this side of her. After seeing that, I connected the dots with the soccer game incident.”

Maluza explained that after a soccer match last month, many children came home complaining of dizziness and nausea. Daud, an active volunteer for many school activities, was the driver and chaperone.

When asked for an explanation, the soft-spoken mother of two blamed “some bad hummus the kids had for lunch before the game” and added it might be “some sickness going around.”

The children, however, tell a different story. One youth described Daud as “a freaking total maniac” who “used words I never heard before.”

“My child asked me what an [expletive] was,” explained another disappointed parent. “I’m not sure I even know what a [expletive] is but he says she shouted it while making a hard right. She’s probably the reason they don’t let women drive in Saudi. ”

Many children remarked Daud was “waving funny” at other drivers with her middle finger, texting constantly and, at one point, exited the vehicle with a baseball bat.

At press time, police were investigating allegations this may be connected to the “crazy baseball bat ninja” reports from last fall.

Al-Qaeda Operative Distances Self From Muslim Happy Video: Claims He Was Deliberately Deceived

After threat of litigation and bombing, the operative's removal request was honored and he no longer appears in the video currently circulating.

LONDON, UK – Shortly after going viral, a prominent Al Qaeda operative featured within the Muslim Happy video rushed to clarify his level of involvement within the production.

“I was sold a bill of goods,” remarked the flustered man. “They told me they were filming a training video and asked me to demonstrate some evasive maneuvers. Instead I end up in this crap.”

He claims much of his footage was edited and expressed disappointment that his 15-minute “Death to America, Death to the West” chant was cut out entirely.

“I can understand they have creative differences,” he stated, adding that his contract expressly mentioned a review prior to publication.

“That obviously didn’t happen. And acoustically, I was really pulling for some death metal or crunchy, distorted bass. Pharrell’s a little soft and overexposed. I haven’t felt this violated since I was tricked into doing one of those Harlem Shake videos.”

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