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Masjid Conducts Annual Running of the Muslims

The festival always draws a large crowd and some residents even wear running gear.

VILLA PARK, IL – The tranquil, standstill air at the Islamic Foundation in suburban Chicago wasn’t indicative of the events about to transpire just moments later. On the evening of Sunday, October 26, one could not expect any force to break the serenity and peaceful vacancy that filled the halls and rooms of the 15 year-old masjid. However through years of experience, Islamic Foundation’s staff knew all too well about the phenomenon about to take place.

On the horizon of the parking lot, a throng of people were visible and could be seen advancing closer and closer as the ground thumped with every step.

An event which has attracted locals and law enforcement alike, the Annual Running of the Muslims begins every year just at the start of Ramadan.

On a normal day, the Masjid is relatively quiet and not many people are seen inside.

“They wait for moon news, and if we see moon, fine… it’s Ramadan. Then they come running in like masjid going out of business sale,” explains Islamic Foundation’s director Malik Sultan.

Among the audience was 35 year old Judith Boyer who lives just down the street from the Islamic Foundation.

“With the economy being so bad, we couldn’t afford to go to Spain so I said ‘Honey let’s go check us out some stampeding Moslems.'”

Omar Azim participated in the run last year and noted that the experience was exhilarating.

“It’s like your running and sometimes you want to stop, but you can’t because there are people behind you,” said the nineteen year old Azim.

“I couldn’t tell what was happening or where I was going. I looked up to find myself running next to a stampeding sheep in the sister’s section.”

This year’s numbers indicated a record turnout and was a huge success according to Islamic Foundation’s staff.

Man ‘Books’ Without Praying Sunnah

30 Year Old Fahad Azim reportedly booked out of the masjid last Friday without praying Sunnah.

“I turned around to look for him, but I think he took off,” said Abdul Ghaffour who usually meets up with Azim after Salat every Friday.

Azim was seen leaving hurriedly during the announcement portion of the Friday prayers.

Saddam Allegedly Had Mini-Bar, Gaudy Decorations in Rat Hole

Having a reputation for having elaborate palaces with gaudy decor, Saddam Hussein’s in-ground hideout reportedly had a statue of himself next to the entrance hole.

Also found in his hideaway was a marble mini-bar, a cross-eyed ceramic wall mosaic of himself, and Iraqi patriotic television programming blaring in the background.

Hussein was polishing his gold bathroom bucket when troops discovered him.

Brother Keeps Stroking Newly Grown Beard

Khan appears to be steadily increasing the frequency of strokes on his new beard.

Friends are growing increasingly annoyed with 28 Year Old Rashid Khan’s new habit of stroking and pulling at his newly-grown beard.

“It’s like, ‘Hello? We all know you have a new beard on your face Rashid,'” says a sarcastic Basit Rahman who has known Khan for 10 years.

Rahman also pointed out that Khan isn’t as angelic as his new facial hair may suggest.

Liberal Muslims Eagerly Flock Back To Sinful Ways: A Post-Ramadan Report

A source for family shame, Musa "Haramee" Hathout is well on his way back to a more casual, haram lifestyle.

CHICAGO, IL – As fast as they turned religious, liberal Muslims all over the world headed back to their mischievous routines as another Ramadan came to a close. The holy month is one of spirituality and cleansing, and Muslims often use this time to abstain from ill habits and worldly indulgences.

“It’s a time where I can’t blast Fifty Cent in my ride, fo shnizzles,” said Notre Dame Freshman, Ibrahim Sulaiman.

Black Sheep Muslims, or ‘Haramees’ as they’re often called by their holier peers, usually face a re-adjustment period up to two weeks after Ramadan.

“The week after Ramadan is strange,” noted 22 Year Old Musa Hathout. “It’s like ‘Oh man, I’m eating. Then it’s like, ‘Oh [crap], I’m cursing… and then it’s like ‘HOLY [expletive]! I’m sippin on whiskey all up in da club and not payin my taxes.’ But not necessarily in that order.”

Many Black Sheep Muslims follow non-orthodox logic during Ramadan, abstaining from actions ordinarily considered forbidden year-round.

“There’s like this science to preparing for Ramadan,” explained Hathout. “40 days before Ramadan, you can’t drink alcohol. That stuff’s gotta be out of your system if you want your fast to count.”

Many Muslims disagree with Hathout, however, and clarify alcohol is forbidden regardless of the time of year.

16 Year Old Aisha Siddiqui feels guilty not being as disciplined now that Ramadan is over. 

“The other day I was thinking, man, that Christina Aguilera is so messed up. But then I realized I’m not the most perfect person in the world either. I mean last month I overslept a tahajood prayer. Cast me away with the rest of the crackheads.”

Shortly thereafter, Siddiqui was given a wedgie by her own mother.

As the haramees flock back to nightclubs and their music, the aura of yet another Ramadan fades away.

Expressing his sentiments at the end of the holy month, Hathout remarked, “All that fasting made me hungry, ya know what I’m sayin?”

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