ISRAEL, IN – Witnesses stood in awe this morning when a 47 year old Egyptian man by the name of Habib Yawari lunged into a verbal assault at an area gas station.

“The damn thing wouldn’t take my credit card,” exclaimed Yawari, “They wanted to make me late, I know it! It’s all because of the Jews!”

This marks the fifteenth incident this month where Yawari has blamed his misfortunes on the children of Israel. From having his credit declined to stubbing his pinky toe, Yawari seems to find a correlation between Jews and everything going bad in his life.

Seemingly unaware of the fact that Muslims are required to have higher regard for Christians and Jews than other non-Muslims, Yawari baffles friends and family alike.

Yawari was devastated when informed that Jerry Seinfeld, his favorite comedian, is in fact a Jew. Yawari proceeded to burn all of his videotaped recordings of Seinfeld’s popular television show along with his Sony VCR, which he also claims was built by Jewish manufacturers.

Yawari’s ex-wife, Fatima, left him three months ago after he beat her unconscious for, in his own words, “raising our kids as Jewy, Jewy Jews.”

“I only made him a bagel for breakfast and he flips out,” his ex-wife claims. “That man has some serious [expletive] issues.”

Authorities were called on the scene last week as a visibly-intoxicated Yawari assaulted a bartender he suspected was Jewish. Yawari quickly fled the scene, led the officers on a wild chase and was finally arrested after attempting to go back and pick up a quarter that fell out of his pocket.

PEEYECHDI, IDEALISTAN – Trouble is running rampant in the relatively new nation of Idealistan. Founded in 1982 in the wilderness of Nebraska, the self-appointed nation of Idealistan consists entirely of immigrant doctors, lawyers and engineers.

With the typical Idealistan citizen holding at least one Ph.D., the nation would appear to flourish under the mass of educated workers.

“We didn’t want the lazies,” states Idealistan President Saleem Hussaini. “Lazies are no good for our daughters.”

Reality, however, is less kind. The one-dimensional society has run amuck, plagued with problems of basic sanitation and maintenance.

While the nation boasts highly-skilled professionals in the medical field, there are no ambulance drivers or paramedics to treat emergency situations. Hospitals, along with most other Idealistan buildings, are falling apart and in dire need of renovations in the absence of any and all construction workers.

Lawyers are plentiful but quite useless and mostly stand around and shrug their shoulders.

Mounds of trash and debris litter sidewalks and roads because Idealistan has no sanitation workers.

In an attempt to remedy waste disposal problems, Idealistan engineers architected an elaborate sewage system to directly deposit trash into neighboring city Omaha.

At first, the system worked well as 1,200 gallons of raw sewage were pumped onto Omaha streets. Strangely enough, Omaha residents didn’t really notice any change. The system crumbled, however, after three days because of an Idealistan sewage backup in the absence of skilled plumbers.

Experts say that if these conditions persist, there won’t be any operational vehicles in Idealistan within the next 10 years as there are no mechanics, despite the fact that all vehicles are Toyota Camrys.

“We should have planned this for the better,” remarked President Hussaini amidst a nervous laugh. “Now that I think about it, we don’t have any grocers. I have to drive 300 miles to the closest 100% Zabiha Halal butcher.”