An internal investigation into a Ohio area mosque revealed that all 5,043 attendees were working diligently as FBI informants seeking to incriminate one another.

Mosque officials conducted a full readout of the results from the shocking month-long probe, to worshippers at last week’s Friday prayers.

“We’ve always suspected a government operative had infiltrated our sacred space, but the extent of this surveillance is mind boggling,” announced mosque President Khalid Hammad shaking his head before running through a long list of individuals involved.

“Folks who worked with the FBI include our very own Imam, our resident muezzin, the announcement dude, the guy in the hallway who dishes out extra judgmental stares every week… even the crying 2 year old kid from the sisters section was in on it.”

As Hammad continued to call out members, visibly red-faced patrons looked down in embarrassment and avoided eye contact with each other.

“We caught that uncle from the wudu area who clears his throat so loud the entire mosque can hear, trying to rat out the other uncle who over dramatically blows his nose for an hour. We also found men in the bathroom stalls trying to entrap each other, but the recorded audio was completely muffled by all the ghusal-ing.”

Hammad condemned his entire congregation and branded them as sellouts before he divulged one final, ironic detail.

“The only guy not involved is the white convert everyone thought was the informant.”

Follow (don’t surveil) @islamicanews as more information surfaces about Masjid-ul-Squeal.