Redneck Army Vows Revenge: Claims Random Acts of Violence Will Help Find Culprit

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TOPEKA, KS – Armed with the latest in backwoods artillery – rocks, sticks, a standard-issue torch and mullets to spare – America’s rednecks have decided to take it upon themselves to give retribution for the tragic events that unfolded earlier this week.

“We was sittin’ around and thought we should shoot ourselves some A-rabs,” remarked one enthused hillbilly boy.

As a growing and disturbing trend, random acts of violence have been perpetrated against anyone deemed as “those people” by ignorant masses of hillbilly inbreds.

“I don’t know who did it exactly but I sure as hell am gonna git him or hims,” stated local Mob Leader Jervis Smith. “They all should go back to Hindu where they came from!”

Three hours later, Smith was arrested for attempting to light a local convenience store on fire.

But the attitude that Smith and several others in the rural community share doesn’t appear to be limited to areas where a fifth-grade level of reading is considered “edumucated”. Violence has been witnessed in urban cities, large and small – and this has law enforcement agencies quite worried.

All across America, police are ramping up efforts to combat the hate crimes committed against convenience stores owners, donut shop clerks, cab drivers and yes, even doctors, lawyers and engineers.

Transvestite Hijabis Find Themselves In Troubled Times

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SAN FRANCISCO, CA – In light of recent events, Muslim-American women feel a vengeful public has unfairly targeted them. Surrounded by blanketed generalizations and stereotypes, they feel as if their civil liberties and rights have been blatantly infringed upon. What if however this discrimination was twofold?

Such is the case with Afeefa bin-Changed, a hardworking, Muslim-American man who dresses like a hardworking, Muslim-American woman. Bin-Changed represents a handful breed of Muslims expressing sentiments of fear in light of recent devastating events.

“I can’t help but to feel grief, but at the same time I feel scared and awkward,” Afeefa says adjusting the traditional scarf around his/her five o’clock shadow. “It’s not a safe time to walk in public as a Muslim nowadays.”

In the past week bin-Changed has reportedly been verbally and physically harassed through random acts of hate. He/she has had objects such as garbage, rocks, and bottles of Nair thrown at her/him. Afeefa claims he/she has heard many derogatory slogans such as “fruity camel”, “Osama bin-Cupcake” and the ever-common “ugly.”

“All this because of my faith.”

“I got nothing against Arabs,” 19-year old Nathaniel Bates claims as he launches a bottle rocket at an unsuspecting bin-Changed. “Just THIS hideous beast.”

When Imam Shareef Khan was asked how he felt about the public wanting to rid the nation of Muslims like Afeefa bin-Changed, he simply asked, “Wouldn’t you?”

In the meantime, Afeefa must keep a low profile and think twice about which section he/she walks into: brothers or sisters?

Sikh of Being Mistaken For An Arab

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By Preet Wallawallabangbang

How many guys I gotta explain?! I’M NOT ARAB! Look, buddy…some tings are really estarting to pass me off. Hawing the guy say me not talk the English when I AM talk the English is insulting enough, but now this happens.

I’m Sikh, dang it. Sikh, sikh, sikh!

You aydeeots hound me and say me go home. But I say I am home so what? They look with confuse and start throwing the thing and the other thing.

I drive cab for long, long time in this country – at least 3 day. I have people say me go home cuz some plane crash and hit the guy and I say “How I know who the guy is, man? Why I gotta be the blame?”

Blame the responsibility people, whoever they be at.

Leave me alone, please. I done writing…how I save document?

In light of 9/11, what’s your perception of Arabs and Muslims?

The tragic events of 9/11 have had a dramatic impact on the perceptions Americans and Westerners have of Islam. How do you feel about this?

sis1

“I think what American people need to understand is that all Arabs aren’t Muslim.”
Alyssa Jones, Student

bro1

“Ha ha, Arabs! Now you know how I feel!!”
Peter Thomas, Lawyer

bro2

“What exactly is happen last week? Nobody is explain me.”
Harvinder Patel, Gas Station Attendant

bro3

“I loves me some Arab womens. They is fine. I hope they don’t gotta go to back, dawg.”
Mike Mohammad, Disk Jockey

Check out more Islamica Asks.

For Popular Muslim Boy Band *NSHALLAH, Show Goes On: "We Aren't Getting Any Younger"

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BOLLYWOOD, CA – On the heels of last week’s 9/11 tragedy, *NSHALLAH denounced rumors they’re cancelling the remaining dates on their “We’ve Got Green Cards” tour.

“Like, the show must go on and stuff,” stated frontman Justan ‘Baby Child’ Dimbrelek, “There are, like, lots and lots of depressed and young, lonely, single teen girls that need, like, our music to go on. And besides, we’re not married yet.”

The five-member band rose to stardom earlier this year when their hit single “You’re So Hot, Marry Me Baby” debuted on their local public access TV station.

“We’ve got to stay strong, be positive and stay popular because we aren’t getting any younger,” stated 35-year old band-member Zaki ‘The Other Guy’ Yusuf, visibly concerned regarding his lingering bachelorhood.

Marital concerns aside, *NSHALLAH has voiced concerns that continuing their tour will be a challenge in light of the recent Anti-Muslim hate crimes running rampant.

“We hope that, like, members of the KKK don’t show up to our place and stuff. I personally have been harassed because, like, this one time some old woman came up to me and gave me a dirty look. That hurt. A lot,” sobbed Dimbrelek.

“We’re gonna have to heighten security or something. Who knows when the next really old lady may walk past and give us dirty looks and stuff. Right?”

*NSHALLAH is one of several prominent Muslim musical acts echoing a desire a return to “normal, preteen popstar-admiring life.”

Popstar Ricky Raheem bin Al-Marteen recently announced that his sold-out HBO special, “Livin’ Without a Lota,” would air this coming weekend as scheduled.

CNN Reports Latest Suspect – “Yo Mama!”

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ATLANTAGENDA, GA – In an act of unprecedented journalism, news media giant CNN reported “Yo Mama” as the latest suspect in the FBI’s crackdown on terrorism. This added to the already long lists of characters which includes new age musician Yanni, has-been pop star Paula Abdul, and children’s television icon Barney, the purple dinosaur.

A day after the devastation in New York City and D.C., the cable news network showed Barney, Baby Bop and numerous children celebrating with balloons. After further investigation, however, they discovered the footage was taken from an episode entitled “Having Fun at the Library,” filmed eight years ago.

Studio lackey Brian Maher says the oversight of responsible journalism was not due to time constraints or an inefficient process, rather apathy on the part of the media.

“We really didn’t care,” Maher said while pulling out a wedged portion of his pants. “I mean we really didn’t care… do you follow?”

CNN News Analyst Connie Ayers defends the network’s reports by saying, “Just because an individual doesn’t exist, or has been dead for fifty years doesn’t mean they’re innocent.”

The news agency did say, however, it would take further steps to ensure the accuracy of its report, making certain interviewees include inbred hicks and crack addicts.

Houston, We Have Convention Center: Muslim Community Looks Forward To Trashing Own Place

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BAYTOWN, TX – At first glance, the Baytown Civic Center on the outskirts of Houston doesn’t seem to sport the 21st century look most other convention centers of today do. Most developers would slate the building for demolition. Locals call the 100,000 square foot glaring, multicolor structure an eyesore.

“An architectural blunder only Mike Brady himself could have designed,” says Baytown Mayor Kurt Walker.

Community leaders fiercly deny allegations that the center was once a toxic waste disposal site. Building inspectors say the dilapidated center barely clears most public safety standards, not including plumbing, gas, and electric wiring.

For the Islamic Society of Metropolitan Houston (ISMH), however, the building is a symbol of both accomplishment and pride.

“It’s all ours!” exclaimed Javed Khan, an area veterinarian who served one of the lead roles in the acquisition of the Baytown Civic Center.

“The ISMH has been keeping an eye on this place for 25 years. That’s longer than the organization’s existence!”

Last week the ISMH had closed the deal with the city of Baytown on purchasing the Civic Center for an estimated 3.1 million dollars.

Ibrahim Batball, who managed the funding for the purchase, was confident money was not an issue.

“Brothers would come up to me and ask, ‘Ibrahim, where the hell are you coming with this 3.1 million?’ I just smile and remind them of a particular basketball superstar in the area.”

When the Houston Muslim community collectively came up with one hundred thousand dollars, NBA Rocket’s center Hakeem Olajuwon generously donated the remaining 3 million.

“I just hope he never ever retires,” Batball stated nervously.

The ISMH points out the many benefits of owning their own venue for events such as Eid Salat, as well as other various conventions and mega bazaars.

“Now we can trash our own place,” says Javed Khan. “We can distribute fliers, and actually encourage people to throw them on the ground on their way out.”

Khan included having water fights in the wudu facility, a “Throw Your Baby’s Dirty Diaper Anywhere” day, as well as special car-blocking spaces in the parking lot.

The ISMH does, of course, have plans for renovation of the aged structure.

Plans for replacing the current fully-functional PA system with a defective one are currently underway.

The ISMH does not yet know when the center will be opened for use, but they assured the community that they will overlook many building maintenance issues to expedite the process.

Baby Driver Causes Huge Headaches in Masjid Parking Lot

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CHICAGO, IL – During a visit to the United States, Nasir ibn Saadat caused quite a stir when he decided to get behind the wheel of a 1998 Honda Accord LX after Friday Prayers were let out.

While underage driving is the norm in other countries, Nasir was unaware that his acts were illegal and expressed no remorse for his deeds.

Witnesses stated that despite his young age, ibn Saadat drove much safer than most taxi cab drivers attending the Friday congregational prayer.

Guest Speaker Takes Local Fundraiser Hostage: National Inspirational Figure Makes Audience His Minimum Target

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FREMONT, CA – When Mrs. Wilson’s third grade class at Fremont Elementary School arrived at school Monday morning, they and others were greeted by a myriad of squad cars and special task forces for both local and California state agencies. For two days, the Fremont Police Department cautiously negotiated with Dr. Mukhail Sina, who reportedly kept the Islamic Society of Northern Fremont hostage over the weekend.

“Because we couldn’t collectively come up with one hundred thousand dollars,” cried recently released hostage Moin Kudair, “I had to miss Sunday football games and spend the night next to a caged hamster in some kindergarten classroom. Do you know how humiliating that is?”

The Islamic Society had been hosting their annual fundraiser at the elementary school to utilize its spacious cafeteria and lunch trays for serving. The hostile takeover began as a volatile Sina became frustrated over the community’s lack of pledging financially and donating jewelry. The motivational doctor boasted a previously-solid reputation for meeting minimum fundraiser goals.

“He told us that if we didn’t come up with the money, he would lock all the doors and that no one would be going home,” said an exhausted Maliha Siddiqui. “We all just laughed and thought it was part of his witty, charismatic style.”

Deen Saleem, the organizer of the dinner, panicked as the evening dragged on.

“I knew that if the audience didn’t get their tea by 10:30pm there was a strong chance they would revolt, exacerbating the situation. Luckily, there was tea.”

Saleem said that, fortunately, food was not an issue over the weekend.

“Based on last year’s experience, we knew there would have a surplus of two pans of biryani as well as unconsumed 2-liter bottles of Diet RC. No one ever drinks that stuff, unless of course you’re stuck in an elementary school for days.”

The community also lived off of the school’s sloppy joes and pre-plucked pepperoni pizza.

“We had to await a fatwa from Dr. Sina before we could eat it,” said Saleem.

Not all was bad during the crisis as Maliha Siddiqui, one of the hostages, became engaged for marriage during the ordeal.

“I’d always thought this guy from weekend school was a dork. During these past few days, however, our parents met, exchanged pictures and agreed that we’d be married by the next hostage…err.. I mean fundraiser dinner.”

The crisis ended when police used a crane to break through the roof of the elementary school cafeteria and lifted Dr. Sina out of the building.

“Once we saw Dr. Sina’s kicking body being lifted out, we all darted for the recycling bins that had our money and our wives’ jewelry,” reflected Moin Kudair. “What a jacked weekend.”

Local MSA Still Ponders Reason For Its Existence: Community, MSA Members Unsure Why They Meet Once A Week

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REDNECK COUNTY, IL – Nearly seven years have passed since the founding of the Muslim Student Association at Cornopolis Community College in Redneck County, but the student organization is still struggling to find out exactly what it should be doing.

“It’s hopeless”, lamented MSA President Qutub Butuq, “We don’t have any clue.”

“We hold fundraising dinners every few months and order pizzas at every general body meeting,” remarked Qutub while munching on a slice of deep-dish pizza.

While relatively small compared to other organizations on campus, the MSA currently has three executive board members, zero non-executive members and 12 Hindus that show up every week for free pizza.

Despite several failed attempts at doing something positive for the college community, several members of the MSA have begun questioning the existence of the organization, as well.

Defending the organization, MSA Vice President Ali Gora noted that the organization has made several attempts to “do Islamic stuff and make people Muslim” such as telling people that he’s Muslim, staring at them blankly for a while and then running away nervously.

MSA Secretary Chikita Banana added, “We’ve also ordered and distributed Dawa pamphlets into trash receptacles all over campus.”

The most noted activity in the history of the MSA occurred back in 1992 when the MSA successfully banned the use of pork in remedial math classes.

Prior to the ban, it was common practice for students of those classes to have a final exam that consisted of counting the number of toes on a pigs foot and receiving pork rinds as rewards for good deeds.

At a recent fundraising dinner organized by the MSA, President Qutub was asked exactly how the MSA plans to spend the money they have accrued over the past few years of inactivity.

“Here, have some pizza,” he replied with a nervous smile, “Would you like something to drink?”

In light of the recent flurry of questions regarding the validity of their organization, the MSA intends on holding an emergency meeting to discuss whether or not they should have a meeting to discuss the purpose of their meetings.

Deep-dish cheese pizza and non-alcoholic beverages will be served at the meeting.