Palestinians Keep Getting Dead Somehow: Innocent Israel Confused How This Happening

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Israeli authorities are baffled as they investigate mass deaths in Jerusalem following recent Palestinian protests. The death toll is somehow rising despite Israel doing nothing harmful whatsoever and just minding it’s own beeswax. They swear.

“These people seem to have gotten dead on their own,” shrugged Chief Investigator Uzi Rayfel. “We don’t understand it. They’re probably terrorists or slipped on banana peels.”

“Perhaps both,” he added.

One popular theory claims Palestinians protesters mistakenly walked in front of innocent Israeli snipers as they were “protecting” a small patch of dirt. Others believe Palestinians are intentionally walking under rockets to “make themselves dead.”

When asked why they would do that, Rayfel quickly responded, “Because terrorists.”

Online theories include a rare airborne illness called “bulletosis”, allergies to rocket-propelled grenades, and Palestinians protesters killing each other “just to make Israel look like the bad guy.”

A small minority claim this could be a continuation of decades-old genocide, however Rayfel was quick to dismiss that, claiming, “It’s a Hamas thing, you wouldn’t understand.”

At press time the Muslim world was oddly silent, once again.

NRA Cash Falls From Sky During Paul Ryan’s Response To Mass Shooting

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NRA Cash Falls From Sky During Paul Ryan’s Response To Mass Shooting

Washington, DC – NRA money fell from the sky during Thursday morning’s live broadcast of the GOP response to the latest US mass shooting.

Swaths of cash could be seen falling over House Speaker Paul Ryan’s head as he spoke to reporters and offered the most ‘thoughts and prayers’ in American history. Bills in one hundred dollar denominations could be seen fluttering down rapidly as the Wisconsin representative attributed the tragedy to mental illness and called for law enforcement to make American schools and public spaces more safe for our children.

“At one point a hundred dollar bill stuck to Mr. Ryan’s mouth, silencing him in a way,” said camera man Sean McMullin. “It was almost… poetic.”

Ryan then peeled the hundred dollar bill from his face and told reporters that he wished he had packed an umbrella, and that he was ‘relieved’ the money wasn’t sent down as coins.

The cash tapered off abruptly when it seemed that Ryan would mention the weapon used in the shooting. However, Ryan steered his statement back to more sentiments of consolation, and in turn, the money resumed a dense flow.

When asked about the bizarre event, the 54th Speaker of the House offered very little explanation.

“I’m not sure why it happened, but I can tell you one thing… it wasn’t because of climate change.”

Man 88% Sure He Still Has His Wudu

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Man 88% Sure He Still Has His Wudu

Sterling, VA – As Saleem Mushtaq walked into the prayer hall at a DC area mosque Wednesday afternoon, he paused for a moment to recall if he still had his wudu from earlier in the day.

Wudu is a physical cleaning ritual Muslims must do in preparation for prayer, and one that is “broken” by actions including using the restroom, passing gas, cursing, or engaging in sexual activity.

“I’m positive I didn’t go to the bathroom, but did I… did I fart?” the 28-year-old Systems Architect thought to himself, as he frantically tried to backtrack what he’d been doing for the previous 5 hours. “I mean I had all that Chipotle for lunch, but I was pretty good after that… wait that doesn’t sound like me though.”

Mushtaq could be seen in the middle of the prayer hall standing motionless, with his head tilted up toward the mosque ceiling and eyes squinted as he mentally searched for any memory to warrant a trip back to the wudu area.

“I mean if I DID rip one, i’d probably be proud of it… and that I’d TOTALLY remember. Hmm.”

Mushtaq also clicked on a YouTube clip of Aziz Ansari’s standup, shook hands with an attractive coworker, and mumbled the word ‘dumbass’ to himself after reading Trump’s tweet from earlier that morning. All of these however, were dismissed as insignificant behavior.

After 10 seconds of contemplation, Mushtaq decided he was 88% certain he still had wudu from earlier, and proceeded to perform his afternoon prayers.

Airlines Cracking Down On Emotional Support Manimals

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Airlines Cracking Down On Emotional Support Manimals

Chicago, IL – On Monday, domestic airline carriers announced they are tightening rules for flying with Emotional Support Manimals (ESM), requiring passengers to show authorized proof of need and some form of guarantee the manimal will not be a threat to other passengers.

“We’ve seen a significant uptick in the number of Emotional Support Manimals brought aboard flights by passengers,” said United Airlines spokesperson Eli Kensington. “Many of these have resulted in confrontations, including meager attempts at growling, and awkward drunken-licking attacks.”

Kensington also noted a shift in the types of ESMs used by travelers.

“Most commonly we’ve seen manimals in cat form, however recently we’ve seen cows, sexy frog, minotaur, and something that looked like a cross between Elmo and a manatee… maybe it was just a fat Elmo. Anyway, last week on a flight from Houston, one passenger brought on an ESM wearing nothing but a dog collar.”

Airlines are also concerned with a recent spate of biting attacks. Delta Airlines is now requiring all ESMs to be caged or confined during flight, a move that is expected to draw ire from some travelers.

ESM owner Karen Evans defended manimals and noted that it’s humans that provoke these kinds of attacks.

“People need to remember you can’t pet manimals,” explained Evans. “It makes them very mangry.”

One passenger was detained after being mistaken for a manimal.

“I told them I wasn’t a manimal,” said the anonymous American Airlines customer. “It was freakin Halloween for crying out loud.”

For now, airline officials will continue to update their policies as needed.

 

Your Uncle Wants Someone To Explain Rules of Football At The Most Tense Time of Game

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Your Uncle Wants Someone To Explain Rules of Football At The Most Tense Time of Game

St. Louis, MO – “Please explain me this game,” asks a 62-year-old Saleem Patel during the Super Bowl’s tense fourth quarter. “I just don’t understand how you score. Why are they always falling down?”

Patel’s questions go half ignored as everyone in the room is glued to a large flat panel tv broadcasting the last moments of a very close game.

“I mean why do they have to wear all that stuff? Don’t they get hot?”

Patel repositions himself next to his 22-year-old nephew, Rashid Khan hoping to gather any semblance of clarity around the conundrum played out in front of him.

“Bayta, what is a down?” asks the elder Patel putting his hand on his nephew’s shoulder.

“I mean I really wanted to help the guy out, but does my uncle have to pick THE WORST time to ask questions on a very complex game?!?” said a frustrated Khan, as he keeps close to the screen during a commercial break.

“At one point he asked me if you had to be black to play. I don’t know where to start.”

As the game headed into a most certain overtime, Patel could be faintly heard through the commotion, still asking questions.

 

Cleveland Indians Replace ‘Chief Wahoo’ with ‘Call Center Raj’: Team apologizes for its inaccurate depiction of Indians with a Native American icon.

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Cleveland, OH – Amid criticism and protests, the Cleveland Indians announced they will replace the divisive Chief Wahoo mascot with the new ‘Call Center Raj.’

“Major League Baseball is committed to building a culture of diversity and inclusion throughout the game,” MLB’s commissioner, Rob Manfred, said in a statement.

“We realize that the inaccurate portrayal of an Indian with a Native American has caused grief and pain to many. We can only imagine how Indian Americans as well as Indians all over the world must have felt through this ignorance and oversight.”

Indians owner Larry Dolan said it was time his organization modernized its team’s branding with a more accurate approach and ensure it attracts future generations of fans.

“I told them, ‘No not THOSE kind of Indians. You’re thinking woo woo woo, and i’m saying the bollywood type,'” said an animated, yet frustrated Dolan.

“If we’re really being honest, I blame Christopher Columbus for this mess.”

Fans have already taken to social media to show their approval. Some have proposed replacing the current offensive chants, with ones ‘Call Center Raj’ would say, including:

  • “Please explain me problem.”
  • “Maybe YOU need to restart YOUR computer!”
  • “My name is Henry Stevens, but I don’t sound anything like a Henry Stevens.”
  • “What time is it? IRS SCAM TIME!”
  • “REBOOOOOOOOOOOT”

Merchandise with the new mascot will go on sale online as early as next summer, and ample tech support will be available.

 

BREAKING: Roy Moore Fondles Latest Exit Poll: Poll accuses U.S. Senate candidate of improper contact steps away from voting booth.

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Birmingham, AL – On Tuesday, U.S. Senate candidate Roy Moore allegedly fondled an exit poll minutes after exiting a voting station just out of Birmingham.

According to sources, the fresh, young poll was approached by Moore right outside the courthouse when the improper conduct took place.

Moore vehemently denied the allegations. A source close to the Moore campaign cast doubt on the credibility of the polls.

“We saw how credible these polls were during the Presidential election,” said an unidentified campaign manager. “There’s your statement.”

Meanwhile, Moore has been asked to keep clear of all sorts of polls.

Developing story.

White Shooter Trying His Hardest To Be Labeled A Terrorist: "They're going to try to peg the 'shooter' label on me. Don't let them."

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Paducah, KY – John McAllister isn’t leaving anything to chance. The 28 year old bald-shaven, blue-eyed Kentucky native with a troubled past, is determined to follow through on a premeditated scheme of carnage; one that he says will have to be reported on as an act of terrorism.

“I gotta get this right,” says McAllister as he taps his shiny black Dr. Martens boots against the desk.  He carefully reviews his plan of attack, along with floor plans of an undisclosed office building. To date, he’s run through several simulation drills and compiled an inventory of evidence for a probable investigation.

“Did you know of the last 22 mass shootings in this country, only one was labeled a terrorist act? And do you know why that one was? Because the dude was brown… Immigrants are messin’ up EVERYTHING. Not anymore!”

A nervous McAllister then paces around his office, one that is adorned with nazi symbols and white supremacist rhetoric.

“They’re going to try to peg the ‘shooter’ label on me. Don’t let them… DO NOT LET THEM… It’s so condescending.”

McAllister pulls out a short stack of items he hopes the authorities will find during an inevitable raid of his two-bedroom apartment.

“Here’s a binder that should serve as a manifesto, leaving no doubt that my plan is to inflict maximum damage on civilians and my motive is driven by my vision of an immigrant-free USA. I’ve also included a manila folder with my medical records — full analysis of my mental health, demonstrating my impeccable sanity, just in case they attempt the whole ‘mentally-ill’ angle on me.”

Shortly following, McAllister holds up a homemade DVD with the words ‘Terrorism Evidence’ scribbled across the top surface with a permanent marker.

“Now this is the crowning achievement, the catch-all if you will. This has videos of me training on a jungle gym and stumbling across an obstacle course. In case, you know, they need background stock footage for all that endless coverage they like to do.”

The soon to be shooter – ehem – terrorist, also calls out one video in which he repeats the phrase ‘This is terrorism” non-stop for 10 minutes.

“Unfortunately I won’t be around to hear what they end up calling it, since I plan to shoot myself afterwards. We typically do that, you know? That’s why the folks on the news nearly always get it wrong. Brown people equal terrorism, white people equal mentally ill shooters. I wish the world would just see us for the extremist we really are. I guess that’s affirmative action for ya.”

As the clock struck noon, John McAllister polished his assault rifle, packed in it a carrying case, and then eagerly headed out the door.

Disclaimer: Islamica News is a comedic, satirical publication. Content, characters and events depicted on this site are fictitious and any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

Man Offended By Trump’s NFL ‘SOB’ Comment, Curses at Losing Team During Game

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Man Offended By Trump’s NFL ‘SOB’ Comment, Curses at Losing Team During Game

Seattle, WA – On Sunday, 32 year old Harris Kasem took a break from watching football to express his disappointment at comments recently made by President Donald Trump regarding NFL players kneeling during the national anthem.

Trump told a crowd at a rally in Alabama that NFL team owners should fire any player who disrespects the flag, and referred to a dissenting athlete as a ‘son of a bitch.’

“I was completely upset and offended by the President’s words,” said Kasem, as the TV blared an afternoon divisional game in the background. A rather tense moment followed as his team headed into a third down and long situation.

“These players are human beings with families and deserve resp — OH YOU F*CKING IDIOT! GET RID OF THE BALL!” yelled an instantly livid Kasem, as his team’s quarterback suffered his second sack of the game.

“So anyways, these players and their families don’t deserve that kind of degrading rhetoric – MAKE THE DAMN TACKLE YOU SON OF A WORTHLESS WHORE!” shouted a beet red Kasem, as he launched the remote control across the room.

As Kasem sluggishly lifted himself off the couch to retrieve the remote, he expressed his disbelief at how an athlete’s behavior could be the object of a President’s ire.

“Like seriously? Don’t you have other things going on to be worked up about? How about focusing your energy on — NO! NO! NO! YOU MISSED THE EASIEST FIELD GOAL! I WILL RIP OFF YOUR HEAD, PEEL THE SKIN BACK AND F*CK YOUR SKULL!!!!”

A distraught Kasem then picked up a football from the floor and immediately simulated violent fornication with it for thirty seconds, before passing out in exhaustion.

Kasem plans to write a letter to Congress on Monday.

Area Mosque Confirms Less-Than-Charismatic Imam Free From Scandal: "The community should rest assured that our introvert of an Imam is not a threat to anyone."

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Schaumburg, IL – In response to mounting pressure from the community, mosque officials issued a press release about their socially awkward Imam, assuring members that he is scandal-free.

“After an exhaustive assessment of Imam Khalid Azeem’s activities, the board has found no improper behavior, and ZERO opportunities for any allegations at this time,” said ISGS President Ibrahim Latif.

“With his inability to connect to the youth, his irrelevant sermons, and his inapproachable demeanor, Brother Khalid remains harmless to even the most vulnerable members of our community.”

Latif went on to note that Azeem’s online personality is just as trivial, with only 8 followers on Twitter (mostly family members) and a Facebook page that’s rarely updated. He once accidentally streamed a sermon live on Facebook while his phone was in his pocket.

Latif also mentioned that the mosque tracked the Imam’s free-time activities, saying that Azeem spends an exorbitant amount of time miswak-ing his teeth.

“He really goes to town on that upper left cuspid.”

One member of the community remarked that Azeem’s last sermon, ‘Don’t Do Bad Things and Stuff,’ mostly implored worshippers to use only one paper towel after performing wudu.

Azeem, who has been Imam at the mosque for over five years, fulfills his role in a bare minimum fashion. Aside from sermons and prayers, Azeem occasionally attends community outreach activities with very limited participation.

Senior Pastor John Denna, whose Lutheran Church is adjacent to the ISGC, describes his interactions with Azeem as “challenging.”

“At last week’s interfaith dialogue, he walked in, shook our hand, mumbled something about Jesus also being a Prophet in Islam, and then hid behind a curtain for the rest of the night,” said a perplexed Denna.

“We knew he was hiding there. You could see his bathroom slippers poking out from the bottom of the curtains.”

The ISGS will continue to monitor Azeem, and anticipates it will be “business as usual” with their less than engaging Imam.

 

 

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