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Khabib to Senate: “I LIKE BEAR.”

By
Islamica News
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On Wednesday, UFC Champion Khabib Nurmagomedov testified before the U.S. Senate. Throughout his testimony, Nurmagomedov pointed out that he "liked bear."

Washington, DC – On Wednesday, UFC Lightweight Champion Khabib Nurmagomedov testified before the U.S. Senate, responding to questions about the melee that followed his victory over Conor McGregor. Today’s discussion primarily centered around the fighter’s adolescence, and his history with bear during that period of his life.

Islamica News has obtained a transcript of the hearing. Below is an excerpt:

Senator: First of all Mr. Nurmagomedov, congratulations to you on your victory. But sir, you jumped out of the Octagon right after the fight and that’s a violations of the rules. Unacceptable.

Khabib: He talked about my religion, my country, my father. He broke bus. So why people talk about me jumping over cage? I like bear.

Senator: Mr. Nurmagomedov, we’ll get to your history with bears in a moment, but you’re looking at some pretty serious fines not to mention a possible suspension and stripping away of your title.

Khabib: When I go home I know my father gonna smash me. Then I gonna smash bear. Maybe we share bear, smash together. I told you, bear is like tap machine.

Senator: I’m sorry you have bear on tap?!? Never mind. How many bears do you smash?

Khabib: I dunno, maybe something like 2… 3… 20. Something like this. I lose count. I like bear.

Senator: Have you ever blacked out from bear?

Khabib: I don’t know. Have you?

Lindsey Graham: WHO DOESN’T LIKE BEARS! I LOVE BEARS TOO! This whole thing is shameful!

Khabib: Who is crazy guy? Come to Dagistan. My father, he smash you too… Inshallah.

Senator: Anything else?

Khabib: Yes, who is man sleeping under table?

Senator: That’s Judge Brett Kavanaugh.

Kavanaugh: I like beer.

Khabib: Not me. I like bear.

Khabib has been with bear throughout his younger life. Khabib really likes bear.

 

Facebook Unveils ‘Start Civil War’ Feature To Address Current Political Crisis

By
Islamica News
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On Tuesday, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced a new feature that will enable users to spark a real civil war with others nearby.

Menlo Park, CA – Starting Wednesday, all 2.3 billion Facebook users will be able to declare civil war on one another based on their proximity and interests. CEO Mark Zuckerberg unveiled the new feature at a developer conference in San Francisco earlier this week, and is part of an ongoing response by the social media giant to address the country’s divided political climate.

“Over the past two years we’ve focused our efforts in trying to address the damage done by cognitive bias shaped news feeds and the alternative realities they’ve spawned,” said Zuckerberg, who founded the company in 2004.

In the past, Facebook has publicly acknowledged its role in influencing elections and political outcomes across the world. It has also admitted the platform’s vulnerability to foreign interference, which includes Russian meddling in the 2016 U.S. elections.

“I’m excited to share with you our findings. We’ve determined that the societal deterioration caused by our social experiment is irreversible, and now the only option is to double-down and advance it to the next level. So we’re proud to announce our newest feature, ‘Start Civil War.'”

Users can finally unload years of bottled-up aggression and declare civil war on their fellow countrymen representing a variety of different social personas – including groups with opposing political views, religious beliefs, rival sports teams, and strange culinary preferences.

“Imagine being able to take up arms against those whiney libtards you went to high school with. How about engaging in a bloody skirmish with those brainless goons at the MAGA rally down the street? Perhaps you’d like to rape and pillage Conor McGregor fans? All possible with a click of a button,” said Zuckerberg as he flipped through screens of conflict-laden imagery.

“And – I should add, all of it’s streamable on Facebook Live.”

Facebook fans enthusiastically welcomed the new addition. Conference participant John McAllister believes the new feature was a “no-brainer” as many users had exhausted all efforts to engage in any rational and respectful discourse.

“That angry emoji face wasn’t cutting it anymore,” said McAllister. “I’m ready to kick some treasonous ass!”

Facebook has projected its ad revenue will only increase once the new feature is activated. As of Tuesday afternoon, Facebook stock was up 5%.

 

 

 

DON’T BE DISTRACTED. The Real Story Here is That There’s a Habib With a Freakin ‘K’ in His Name

By
Islamica News
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Habib Ali advises fans to stay focused on the real issue after Khabib Nurmagomedov's victor over Conor McGregor Saturday Night.

The following is an editorial written by Habib Ali whose views and opinions are his own and do not reflect the viewpoints of Islamica News.

Yo guys, it’s me, Habib Ali – your thirty-something, brown, slightly attention-deficit friend. Need your help in walking me through one of my many mental dilemmas. And no it’s not one of my weed-induced thoughts. Go f-yourself for being so judgmental.

By now you’ve already seen the melee after Saturday night’s much anticipated Khabib Nurmagomedov vs Conor McGregor UFC fight.  An unfortunate series of events that prompted fans of each camp to take sides and point fingers via virtual verbal brawls that played out on Twitter and the rest of the interwebs.

Afterwards, Nurmagomedov apologized to the commission, but explained why he was so emotional.

“He talked about my religion, my country, my father. He came to Brooklyn, he broke bus and nearly killed two people. So why do people still talk about me jumping over the cage?”

I could not agree with him any more. People are so distracted by the aftermath of the fight that they’ve COMPLETELY forgotten about the bigger issue at hand: THERE’S A DUDE OUT THERE THAT SPELLS HABIB WITH A K!

Did you not notice it when it first presented itself to you? Did you quietly just accept it and pretend it was normal, or tell yourself it’s just the way things are now? Are you now so immune to everything shocking that you cope with these in real-time? You gonna tell me it’s a consequence of the Donald Trump effect?

It’s a freakin K in front of ‘Habib’ man – that’s NOT normal. NONE of this is normal. I can’t imagine the phonetical ripple effect this is causing across conversations happening RIGHT NOW. We already had pronunciation challenges with the traditional way things were transliterated, and now this?!?

If those two-headed monster guys from Sesame Street had to break up KHABIB in syllables, do you know how they would pronounce it? THEY WOULDN’T cuz they’d have a conjoined heart attack and sh*t their puppet pants.

All on your watch while you’re sitting there trying to figure out why a guy jumped out of a cage.

Even autocorrect replaces ‘KHABIB’ with ‘WTF?’

I don’t even recognize you guys anymore. What’s next? Khalal… Kharam?!? Is that the new norm now? We’re just arbitrarily sticking K’s wherever we damn well please?!?

What makes me an expert on the subject? Cuz my name is freakin Habib! That makes me the SME on ALL things Habib.You don’t even know. And the way I spell it IS socially accepted. That way we’re all aligned when they socially don’t accept us.

Anywho, to quote the champ himself, “AL-HAM-DU-LILLAH.”

 

President Trump Assures Iftar Guests: Dinner and Waterboarding Will Start After Sunset

By
Islamica News
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On Wednesday evening at the White House Iftar, President Trump assured Muslim guests that all waterboarding would be conducted well after sunset.

Washington, DC – Wednesday evening, at an Iftar dinner hosted by the White House, President Trump and CIA Director Gina Haspel assured all guests that dinner and waterboarding would not start until after sunset. Per the Islamic tradition, Muslims are required to abstain from food and drink between sunrise and sunset during the holy month of Ramadan.

“Some of our honored guests have expressed concern that ingestion of water may nullify their fasts. Therefore, I want to assure everyone that any attempts to waterboard you will be well after sunset,” announced Haspel to a room full of foreign dignitaries representing various parts of the Muslim world.

“It would be a shame that your day-long sacrifices go to waste as a result of our attempts to extract potentially useful information in the name of national security. Trust us when we say we admire your discipline and dedication to the faith.”

Haspel considered carrying out some torture prior to dusk, but felt the risks of prematurely breaking the fast was too great.

“One single stream of water from backed-up nostrils into the mouth and down the throat, and all of a sudden you’ll have some very angry Muslims to deal with.”

This year is the first time President Trump hosted an Iftar, amidst the perception that his administration isn’t friendly to Muslims.

During sunset, Trump could be seen struggling to swallow a date, the fruit traditionally used to open the fast.

“Nobody told me these squishy things had seeds,” mumbled Trump as part of a tooth fell out of his mouth.

An official from Saudi Arabia stood by, staring at the POTUS in awe.

“I’ve never seen an orange eat a date,” gasped the unidentified official.

White House staff pulled together a unique list of menu items, including Chef Sebastian Gorka’s signature Porkorays, Beer-Yani, and Taqiyya Tacos.

Senior Advisor Stephen Miller went table to table offering guests lard with their dinner rolls.

President Trump described the evening as a “HUGE success” as guests began to mysteriously disappear, one by one.

New Speedy Gonzales Mosque Will Finish Taraweeh Tonight

By
Islamica News
-
Señor Imam Speedy Gonzales will lead the final taraweeh tonight, completing the Ramadan prayer in record time.

Saudi Ariba, Mexico – In a fast-paced outcome, Masjid-ul-Speedy Gonzales announced its congregation will complete taraweeh tonight, twenty-three days earlier than scheduled. Taraweeh is an evening supplication typically performed during Ramadan and consists of a recitation of the entire Holy Quran. Because the prayer includes all verses from the holy book, Muslims will spread taraweeh over 30 days. However, due to the Imam’s rapid pace, the Mexican mosque is expected to complete Taraweeh much, much earlier.

“Señor Imam Speedy is incredibly fast in his recitation,” says long time mosque attendant Sylvester the cat, as he wiped the drool from his rodent-fasting mouth. “Suffering succotash, it’s hard to keep up with him.”

Other members have expressed similar concerns, saying that followers find it difficult to identify which chapter of the Quran the Imam is reciting.

“The Imam was going so fast last night, I didn’t even know which surah we were on,” said whiplash victim Ibrahim Lopez.

“I’m pretty sure it was the verse that goes ‘¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! ¡Epa! ¡Epa! ¡Epa! Yeehaw!'”

Lopez was so disturbed he looked up at the Imam during the prayer, only to find a small dust cloud preceded by a cartoon sound effect of something running away fast.

Mosque officials are expecting full attendance of tonight’s final prayer, although some are concerned that the Imam will be finished by the time congregants arrive.

 

 

 

 

 

 
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