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MSNBC News Crew Still Smells Like Spices Three Days After Storming Into Pakistani Apartment: “I’ve showered ten times… yet I still smell like turmeric.”

Odors of spices and curry continue to emanate from news team's clothes three days after they stormed Syed Farook's apartment. T

San Bernardino, CA – As MSNBC cameraman Steve Jarrett put on his work vest Sunday morning, he closed his eyes to avoid the pungent fumes of chicken tikka masala hitting his face. It has been three days since his news team broadcasted live from suspected shooter Syed Farook’s apartment, yet the entire crew has yet to rid themselves of a unique blend of spice odors.

“I’ve showered ten times, yet the smell has just about fused into my hair and skin,” said the veteran Jarrett. “I’m like a walking pakora.”

A pakora is a fried, Indian-Pakistani snack commonly served as an appetizer.

When Jarrett went home Friday evening, his wife was so affected by the smell in his clothes, her eyes began to water.

“She asked me if I was cutting onions all day. Then she started to crave saag paneer.”

Critics of the coverage were shocked as they watched news personnel sifting through belongings amidst an ongoing investigation. Some reporters opened spice cabinets and speculated the curry mix powders could have been used to make a small-grade chemical weapon.

CNN reporter Kerry Mitchell opened a box marked ‘bismillah ladoos’ and told Anderson Cooper they looked ‘bomb-like.’

News crews will continue to scrub and bathe themselves as they prepare for another stretch of reputable journalism.

Startup Seeks to Fund Muslim Survival Kits: Muslims Enduring Xenophobia (MEX) is expected to launch its first product in Q1 2016

The MEX hat is a Muslim survival kit in the age of Islamophobia and is expected to go on sale in January.

Austin, TX – Addressing the challenges of heightened Islamophobia, a pair of Austin entrepreneurs has taken to ‘GoFundMe.com’ to raise money for a worthwhile endeavor.   The two Texas-born partners have developed Muslim survival kits as a means of protection for people of the Islamic faith living in less-than-friendly environments.

The University of Texas alumni and cofounders, 23-year-old Musa Khan, and his partner 24-year-old Ehrab Hassan, call their new company M.E.X., (an acronym for Muslims Enduring Xenophobia).

The hat (which is called ‘The Mex’) is festively designed to protect potential victims from enraged assailants that believe all Muslims (or folks with brownish hued skin tones) are collectively responsible for acts of terrorism around the world.

“We designed ‘The Mex’ to physically protect any individual wearing one, and to introduce the elements of distraction and confusion during a violent encounter,” said Hassan. “This confusion is vital, as it provides the victim just enough time to get away.”

The Mex also complies with the Islamic tradition of head covering for both men and women. However, it’s 360 degree brim makes it difficult to fully prostrate during prayer.

Musa Khan pointed out that The Mex’s function is to enable people to survive, but does not eliminate the risk of marginalization.

“We’re shifting a person’s image from being associated with a demographic viewed with hate and fear, to a profile that is still discriminated against but may elicit a lesser violent reaction… and perhaps even trigger requests for mariachi tunes,” said Khan.

As of Saturday, the company had raised $595 with an initial goal of $5,000. Production is expected to launch in January.

Editorial: Where the hell are the Muslim voices condemning terrorism?!?: “Trying to find a Muslim condemning terrorism is like trying to find Waldo in a sea of nothing but Waldos.”

Islamica News asks: Where's moderate Muslim Waldo? The answer is nowhere (and everywhere).

Last week the world witnessed horrific violence across various parts of the globe, including attacks in Beirut and Paris that left hundreds dead and the rest of us shocked, saddened and bewildered. As suspected, the extremist group Daesh (ISIS) has claimed responsibility. Although the group’s position reveals a twisted and radical ideology rather than the Islamic principles they claim to represent, many from the west accuse the rest of the Muslim world to be complicit in the organization’s actions. Among these allegations include the leading question: ‘Where the hell are the moderate Muslim voices condemning terrorism?’

In the seemingly impossible task of answering this popular-yet-strangely-intended-to-be-rhetorical question, we at Islamica News attempted to search for any Muslim voices available to condemn terrorism. After a lengthy and diligent process of scouring the internet, social media and interviewing Muslims from around the world, we did not find any. Zilch. Zero.

We searched below stacks and stacks of statements of condemnation from Imams around the world only to discover there weren’t any statements of condemnation from Imams buried under them.

We sifted through the web, and came across sites such as beliefnet.com, but it was like finding Waldo in a sea of nothing but annoying Waldos.

We tried to capture statements denouncing ISIS from the millions of refugees across Europe escaping Iraq and Syria, but they seemed to be too busy fleeing some sort of evil.

We tried to interview the 100,000 Muslim victims who died in terrorism attacks over the last decade, but embarrassingly we discovered that corpses don’t talk (silly us).

We tried interpreting the following passages from The Quran:

“Do not let your hatred of a people incite you to aggression.” The Quran 6:151

“If anyone slew an innocent person it would be as if he slew the whole mankind and if anyone saved a life it would be as if he saved the life of the whole mankind” The Quran 5:32

However, since these excerpts weren’t in the form of a simple meme, we were unable to decrypt them.

We spoke with various non-profit groups across North America, including the Inner City Muslim Action Network (IMAN), a Chicago-based community organization that fosters health, wellness and healing in the inner-city by organizing for social change and combatting inner-city violence – Which is super, but it’s certainly not condemning terrorism.

And finally we spanned the globe of every day Muslims – the ones pursuing their professional careers, raising their families, contributing to their communities, striving to put food on their respective tables, loving, playing, struggling, walking, talking, breathing… living. Nope. Not a single shred of condemnation (at least none that we were aware of, but admittedly it was at this point that we gave up).

After a long and arduous process in search of some sort of damnation from Musim communities far and wide, we disappointingly came up empty-handed. So allow us to position ourselves as the exception and go out on a limb:

We strongly condemn violence, terrorism, exploitation of the innocent and the historic injustices that have taken place in the world since the beginning of time. Our thoughts and prayers are with all those victimized by the brutal atrocities the world has been forced to witness in recent days.

We reserve the right to earn your forgiveness if we clumsily overlook the above statement in any future research.

FBI Uncovers Muslim Oversleeper Cells: Muslim Community Denounces "Laterrorism"

Government officials believe oversleeper cells are rampant across the US.

WASHINGTON, DC – Speaking before a crowd of paranoid reporters last week, the FBI announced it’s foiled yet another insidious domestic plot.

“Over the past several months, we’ve been spying…err, closely monitoring the activities of Islamics and Islam and Muslimites,” stated disheveled FBI Spokesman Mike Jacobs, while shuffling stacks of papers. “Anyway long story short, we observed a lot of these Muslims are chronically late to everything. We believe this to be a mass-coordinated tardiness effort that’s caused billions in lost productivity each year.”

“We had to strike quickly,” added Jacobs. “They’re all awake now. Otherwise, they would’ve been even later to work or wherever they’re supposed to be.”

The announcement sent shockwaves through the Muslim community.

“This is quite a wake up call,” stated CAIR Spokesman Ali Ibrahim with an apparently unintended, though highly appropriate pun. “The Muslim community denounces all forms of laterrorism.”

Social media reactions have also started to trickle in, with one Islamophobic commenter noting, “I didn’t think ragheads could have bedhead too, but I guess I was wrong.”

Halal Beef Bacon Declared Unfit for Human Consumption: Muslim Scientists Reveal Finding After Years of Research

The preserved, meat-like substance is somehow still available for sale at many halal grocers.

DARIEN, IL – At a press conference earlier this week, a group of Muslim food researchers declared all forms of “halal beef bacon” as being unfit for human consumption. The finding was the result of a study examining the popular beef-based substance.

“Have you tried this crap?” remarked Research Director Dr. Haroun Jaleel regarding the 20-year study. “I have. Every [expletive] day for the last 20 [expletive] years. Disgusting.”

Wiping away a visible stream of tears, Dr. Jaleel went on to note beef bacon has “become an epidemic,” noting its presence in virtually every halal grocery store on the planet.

“Why are they shoveling this crap down our throats? Every [expletive] grocer has it, often times well past it’s clearly labeled expiration date,” noted the foul-mouthed Ph.D.

“Not like that matters because it tastes like cardboard and ass, regardless. At least there’s turkey bacon or turkey strips or whatever the hell they’re calling it these days.”

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