Azusa, CA – A group of Muslim men from the Islamic Society of Southern California organized a ‘Bring Back Our Girls’ event, after all the women from the congregation disappeared overnight. Mosque officials suspect the female attendees left for the new women’s only mosque, which opened up two weeks ago.

In a hastily organized candlelight vigil Tuesday evening, a group of disheveled men who seemed to not have bathed in days, appealed to the public to bring back their girls. The men held blank stares, holding pictures of their wives and loved ones as the glow from the candles exposed their tears of regret.

A depressed, 47-year-old Saleem Mukhtar stood behind a podium pleading for his wife to come home.

“Fatima, if you’re out there listening, please come back to the masjid. No more side entrance. No more back entrance. You will have best entrance,” said Mukhtar, who is the mosque’s treasurer.

Females at the mosques were relegated to enter through the rear entrance of the brick building and then climb a rope to get to the ‘sisters section’ of the mosque. In lieu of recent events, that is expected to change.

Mukhtar noted the last time he saw his wife was two weeks ago.

Activities at the mosque have come to a halt, and council meetings result in either argument, fist fights, and in one case bloodshed.

“We lost Brother Fareed in a knife fight yesterday,” said ISSC Director Khalid Mabuti. “The situation remains volatile.”

Another member of the mosque could be seen walking naked through the parking lot, shouting, “I can’t find my favorite pants , honey where are my pants?”

The absence of women has allowed the men to explore and evaluate the deplorable conditions in the mosque’s sisters section, which includes a lack of heat, a speaker system that sounds demonic, and a rabid possum family nesting in a corner.

“This room isn’t even facing the QIBLA!” said a shocked Mabuti.

The qibla is the direction Muslims pray, generally towards the holy city of Mecca.

Amid the gloom and deteriorating conditions at the Islamic Center, as well as a mounting to-do list, officials have begun to design a new front entrance to the building. The new version will be equipped with a fog machine, harp sound effects, and firework displays every 15 minutes.

For now, however, they anxiously wait in their darkness.

Pasadena, CA – In what appears to be the latest chapter in Muslim-American progress, a number of women-only mosques have begun to surface across the southern California region.

While the progressive nature of the mosque marks a new milestone for Muslim-American women, some have observed that the new center is in reality, one elaborate sisters section.

This Friday marked the inaugural service at the center, and approximately 250 female worshipers attended the mid-day sermon.

“I was looking forward to attending today’s sermon,” said attendant and long-time California resident Asma Ghazali. “But the topic of the sermon ended up being, ‘How to please your man.’ I was like, really?”

Other attendees complained they couldn’t hear any of the sermon because of the mosque’s inclusion policy of accepting all females, including ones with screaming babies and/or a chronic need to gossip. One observer noted that at a point during the sermon, all 250 congregants were busy trying to sell Mary Kay Cosmetics to each other.

The unconventional design of the building has caused many to question the overall vision and future plans of the center. The main entrance is in the back and a 12-foot bronze statue of Bradley Cooper occupies more than half of the building atrium.

Founders of the new center were driven to open their own place of worship as they felt disenfranchised by other established, “male-controlled” mosques in the area.

“Honestly, I was just looking for a place to escape from my husband and read Fifty Shades of Grey,” said co-founder Tayyaba Wilson.

A feature that is resonating well with members is the ‘man cage’ located in the basement. Patrons can observe men from other mosques in their captivity, as well as feed them at specific times throughout the day.

When asked, mosque officials made no comment on rumors of future plans to accept cross-dressed hijabi Muslims. However, officials noted they’ve already begun plans for a second building due to the fact that half of the congregants already “can’t stand” the other half.

Plans are to name the new center ‘Masjid-ul-Bradley’ and they’re considering the addition of a smaller Brothers section.