Monday, November 25, 2024
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Immigrant Muslims ‘Condom’ Terrorism: "Instead of being reactive, we must condom before explosion."

On Tuesday, a DC area coalition of migrant Muslims aggressively voiced their displeasure regarding recent terrorist attacks in the name of their religion.

Washington, DC – Muslim organizations around the country have been relentlessly ‘condom’-ing violent attacks that have been committed in the name of their religion. Last Monday, Virginia and Maryland area Islamic communities organized a press conference in which they denounced recent attacks in France and Nigeria.

At the event, members of the Muslim delegation pointed to a sign hoisted on an easel, which had the words ‘We Condom Terrorism’ in large, black arial font. Furthermore, the coalition’s spokesperson, Ammar Malik, kept reiterating the message as he aggressively labeled the attackers as violent criminals who had gone against the teachings of Islam.

“We condom it! One thousands times we condom it!” shouted Malik as he banged the podium with his fist.

Area Imams took to social media to voice their frustration. Shaikh Khalid Mabuti of Illinois (@shaikhmabuti) tweeted, “Instead of being reactive, Muslims have to condom before the explosion.”

Right-wing pundits continued their call for the ‘moderate Muslims’ to raise their voices in condemnation.

“Sure we’ve heard plenty of condomnation , but where is the condemnation?!?” said Michael Hutchins from the Fox News morning show, Fox & Friends.

When Islamica News asked if anyone amongst the organizers ran spelling and grammar checks on any of the signs, volunteer Kamal Majid, said, “We only saw green squiggly lines, no red squiggly lines.”

Ammar Malik is determined to take his message of anti-violence across network television later this week.

“This is no time to pull out,” said Malik. “This is the time to condom.”

FBI Concerned About Suspects Al-Qaeda Ties: Investigation Will Likely Soon Expand

The ties were numerous and ghastly.

PARIS, FRANCE – In the aftermath of an intense standoff north of Paris earlier today, the FBI shared concerns regarding one of the suspects’ Al-Qaeda ties.

“We ransacked their apartment and made the discovery not long ago,” stated a FBI spokesman. “In the upper drawer of his chest was a stash of awful, awful ties.”

The ties in question include several homemade concoctions including a camouflage tie and several store-bought ties apparently run through a laser printer. Many questioned why the neckwear existed and if the suspects had previously worn them in public.

“We’re not sure but our intelligence would have picked them up if they were walking around with these things. The Al-Qaeda ties are the most concerning,” stated the spokesman. “One in particular appears to be very well made. This suggests they worked with professionals that know what they’re doing. We may need to call in the Fashion Police.”

Man Who Gets News From Facebook Criticizes Lack of Muslim Condemnation: Questions Where Moderate Muslims Are Every Time Catastrophe Strikes

Many are starting to suspect the root cause of the man's frustration is is inability to comprehend modern technology.

Hebdo, CA – Growing tired of what he perceives as continued silence of Muslims around the globe, 47-Year Old Charlie Daft took to Facebook to voice his complaints.

“You guys, where’s all the so-called moderate Muslim Americans condemning this?” questioned the xenophobic man. “Nowhere! They’re all a bunch of terrorists or terrorist sympathizers.”

Unaware his Facebook feed consists exclusively of news shared by publications he likes and his circle of friends – almost exclusively like-minded racists and fear-mongering nut jobs – he responded, “I don’t care about that technologic babble. The news is the news and I don’t seen none of them saying nothing. I read the so-called Quran. It didn’t take more than a minute or two of Googling it to realize it’s all bad.”

Despite numerous media outlets reporting condemnation from prominent Islamic scholars, organizations and everyday Muslims, few have made it into Daft’s Facebook feed. One exception, a picture of an Indonesian Muslim whose face turned blue from repeated condemnations, was mistaken for a “smurf” as Daft scrolled quickly past.

Minutes later, Daft continued his tirade.

“And another thing, you guys: I hate the way those non-deodorant-using camel jockeys always argue with the cashier at Wal-Mart,” exclaimed Daft. “Go back to France or wherever you came from. Your coupons are no good here, freaking Hindus.”

At press time, Don Lemon was preparing to interview Daft live on CNN.

Santa Just a “10 second Photoshop Job” Away from Becoming Radicalized: This Christmas, Santa may be saying 'Ho Ho Ho-akbar!'

On Tuesday, the FBI presented a rendering that demonstrated how close Santa Claus was to becoming 'radicalized.'

Washington, DC – The FBI is currently monitoring the threat of Santa’s radicalization through the popular image editing software: Photoshop.

Concerns were raised across the country after multiple individuals witnessed the similarities between Santa Claus and the general profile of a ‘radicalized’ Muslim, which includes a beard, a cap, and the likelihood of flying an object onto/into buildings through the night.

FBI Director Alex DeMarco, who has kept a close eye on the situation, recognizes the threat can be very real, and is worried that the software can fall into the wrong hands.

“We’re deeply concerned that this software is highly accessible and can be obtained illegally, or perhaps even legally… if in the wrong hands the results can be disastrous,” said DeMarco, who is a twenty-year veteran of the bureau.

DeMarco has deployed teams to conduct surveillance on any Santa imagery, an operation that includes monitoring postcards, online pictures, and large inflatable lawn versions of the favorite Christmas icon.

Many right wing pundits have recently vocalized their skepticism of St. Nick, raising questions about his activities outside of the Christmas season.

“I mean what does he really do when we’re not thinking about him January through October?” asks Alabama resident Mark Abraham.

“Does he give sermons at the local mosque? Maybe he’s fixing Mrs Claus’s burka. Come to think of it, has anyone ever SEEN him eating bacon lately?”

The FBI will continue to keep a close eye on the situation.

Smartwater Downgraded to Dumb Lota: Water changes from potable to pot-able

Capitalizing on a moment of ingenuity, Ahmed Khan fills up his Smartwater bottle and heads for the toilet.

Mason, OH – Ahmed Khan capitalized on a moment of ingenuity late Thursday when he grabbed an empty bottle of Glaceau Smartwater, and headed for his hotel bathroom at the Marriott in Mason, Ohio.

Caught amidst a dire situation, the twenty-eight year old technology consultant from Chicago quickly improvised in his attempts to maintain a standard of personal hygiene.

“This will be my lota for the next two days,” said Khan as he is expected to attend a series of year end meetings near the hotel. “I’ll be carrying around this bottle in my backpack, you know, just in case.”

A moment of panic ensued when Khan’s manager, Michael Lewis, attempted to take a sip out of the bottle during a five minute meeting break.

“He snatched the bottle from my hands, and was all like ‘Noooo’” said Lewis. “It all happened in slow motion. Anyway the water tasted great.”

Khan is expected to throw the bottle away before he boards his flight back to Chicago on Friday evening.

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