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Third Grade Palestinian Boy Claims Responsibility for ‘Attack’: Educators Scramble For Damage Control

Though the blast sent shockwaves, the youth expressed no remorse for his actions.

RICHMOND, VA – For six minutes, the air in Ms. Lambert’s third-grade classroom was filled with the stench of a senseless act of juvenile mischief. Students were caught off guard when young Tahir Asafi released one of his lethal ‘fart’ bombs in the southeast region of the classroom. Seconds after the attack, screams of ‘ewe’s’ could be heard coming from the area hardest hit.

He also pointed out that the waves of gas would continue over the course of the next few hours, including recess.Seven-year-old Asafi was quick to claim responsibility for the attack saying, “It was all me!”

Fellow classmate Julie Rubinowitz could be seen gasping for air as she pinched her nose closed.

The incident occurred sometime between math and social studies as the students were taking out their map pencils. Ms. Lambert directly blames Tahir’s mother for not cracking-down on a better lunch selection, and packing shwarma’s in his lunchbox every day.

What are your thoughts regarding the 2004 elections?

What is the Muslim perspective of the 2004 US presidential election?

bro7

“Voting for Bush is like voting without vaseline! You know? It’s tough.”
Haris Fandlar

bro5

“Yeah whatever. Britney Spears got married to her dancer husband. Does she know I even exist? No.”
Karisbi Kareem

bro6

“As an American who’s voted through three presidential elections, I believe more apathy is needed in our communities. Trust me.”
Saad Esobi

sis5

“Hmm, lemme think about this one. Killing innocent Muslim civilians in Afghanistan and Iraq. Ignoring the whole Palestine-Israel thing, along with the whole Homeland Security Act and taking my dad to jail on ‘Secret Evidence.’ Yeah that’s a big NO for Bush.”
Amana Qadri

Check out more Islamica Asks.

Muslim Social Networking Website Crawling With Social Outcasts

An enthusiastic SMWANLster prepares for a meetup.

SANTA CLAUSA, CA – Rising in popularity since it’s launch nearly four months ago, SMWANL.com (standing for “Single Muslims Who Aren’t Necessarily Looking”) offers many services to the sites numerous daily visitors.

“It’s the perfect way to unwind after a hard day,” states unemployed 27-year old Yaseen Mubarak, one of the numerous single Muslim visitors of the website. “You just go there to chill and look but not really look look, you know?”

“Like oh my god,” states addict Layla Khan. “I love the way I can just sit there in front of the computer and just type all of the interesting details of my life and school and boys and people give comments like ‘I agree’ and ‘Way to go’ and ‘lolz wtf’. The only thing that’s kind of weird is that sometimes, a guy randomly asks if he can ‘friendship me’ or something but I guess you have to take the good with the bad.”

SMWANL.com certainly has features to distinguish itself from competition. Take, for example, the “Marry Me Please, No I’m Just Kidding” button.

“I love that one the most because you can say ‘Hey baby, how ya doin’ while at the same time, you’re not really committing to full-blown interest,” states 18-year old Naseeba Dotkhan.

Not all SMWANL.com members, however, are enthusiastic about the site and what it offers.

“It is Dajjal,” states angry social outcast Umar Wahaab who regularly visits the site. “I go there at least twice a day and I hate it. So much fitna. No girls will talk to me.”

Other visitors point out that members using the “Married But Looking” category aren’t necessarily looking for second or third wives.

Despite the criticism, the site continues to flourish.

Die-hard loyalists even refer to themselves as “SMWANLsters” and occasionally hold face-to-face basement meetings called “Awkward Moments.”

CyberImaam.com Issues Controversial New Fatwa: Declares All Other Websites Haram

KARACHI, OH – Some time after Fajr this morning, CyberImaam.com Websheikh Angree Mufasaa warned his website visitors that surfing other websites is now considered haram.

The fatwa also outlines a new “e-Shariah” form of punishment for violators of the ruling.

Punishments include “virtual stoning e-mail” forwards, directing violators to a CyberImaam.com page that plays a “whiplash” audio file and restricting broadband violators to 14.4k dialup speeds.

News of the e-fatwa ruling drew varied reactions from the online Muslim community.

“This is terrible, my site traffic has really taken a hit,” stated a visibly-disturbed owner from competing website OnlineImam.org. “What next? What if he declares himself the e-Khalif?”

Others, such as 14-year old Waleem Fuzail applauded the decision.

“There’s so much fitnaa and bidaah and haraam and kufaaar out there,” stated the passionate youth. “His site has none of that. He just has one page with big red letters that say “HARAAM” and his fatwas are listed below. I really aaplaaud what the Imaam is doing for Islaam.”

Another site regular stated, “I really respect the Websheikh. He’s visited just about every link on Google for the keyword ‘islam’ so he’s very knowledgeable. I guess I’ll just have to make CyberImaam.com my default homepage and make sure not to click on any of his banner ads.”

Chat Addict Convinces Parents She’s Doing Research: Poor Adults Don't Have a Clue

The parental threat was kept at bay for now.

AIMVILLE, KY – “I think it’s cool now, they’re finally gone,” states 16-year old Aatiqah Rehman.

Cool, indeed. The teenage Rehman spends nearly fifteen hours a day talking online with friends and strangers alike. Her addiction started early with the popular AOL instant messenger, commonly thought to be a gateway for chat addiction.

From there, her interests slowly progressed to chatting on Yahoo Messenger, MSN and ICQ. “Sometimes, when my friends aren’t online, I go onto chatrooms and say salam to random people because it’s so much fun, lol.”

Fun most of the time, however Aatiqah learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to give your phone number or other personal information to people you’ve never met in a real life, face-to-face encounter.

Rehman’s parents started suspecting something was wrong when strange phone calls would come to the house from grown men asking to speak with their daughter.

“I pick up phone and he say ‘Hi is AatiqahRahman786 there?’ and I say ‘Who is this?’ and he say ‘Bob’ and I say ‘What Bob want with my daughter?’ and Bob hang up,” stated her concerned father.

After confronting his daughter about the questionable phone calls, Aatiqah denied any wrongdoing.

“I just told them that I was working on a school project,” explained Aatiqah, “They wouldn’t know the difference between Microsoft Word and Alloy.com, lol.” While her parents are enthused that their daughter spends so much time studying, they don’t quite understand why she’s failing most of her classes.

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