Friday, May 17, 2024
Home Blog Page 6

Halal Steak Had Very Haram Past

Halal Steak Had Haram Past
Do you know where your halal meat’s been? The results from a background check of a halal steak recently served at a Chicago area restaurant showed the animal led a demonstrably haram life.

The results from a background check of a halal steak recently served at a Chicago area restaurant showed the animal led a demonstrably haram life.

The 18 month old bull named “Beevs” (now a 1 LB. New York Prime Strip amongst other cuts), spent much of his adult life at Creekwater Ranch taking part in drug-fueled parties, casual cattle orgies, and habitual gambling.Once considered the go-to herd sire by cattle farmers, Beevs took a precipitous fall from grace, and often showed up to work too drunk to breed.

“While the halal authenticity of this steak isn’t in question, the irony of its lifestyle is not lost on us,” wrote Inspector General Waleed Ali of the Halal Council of America.

Details from the report uncovered other disturbing finds.

“We were shocked to discover Beevs was in possession of a high interest-rate credit card, and often engaged in the wrong kind of marshmallows.”

Follow @islamicanews on Instagram to find out what’s at steak!

Imam Giving Friday Sermon Clearly Has Side Gig As Mall Santa

Imam Hasan Takloz
On Friday, worshippers at a north side Chicago mosque observed Imam Hasan Takloz give a passionate sermon while peculiarly dressed liked St. Nick.

On Friday, worshippers at a north side Chicago mosque observed Imam Hasan Takloz give a passionate sermon while peculiarly dressed liked St. Nick.

For 30 minutes, Takloz admonished his congregation to maintain their Islamic identity and not succumb to cultural norms, while the metallic bells on his wrist subtly jingled with each emphasis.

“I’m pretty sure my kid was on this guy’s lap this morning at the Lincoln Park Mall,” Hashim Khan whispered to a friend sitting next to him.

“In fact, I think my wife was too… wtf dude.”

Takloz reminded worshippers that God is always watching.“And my dear brothers and sisters… he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows when you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake,” chanted Takloz, visibly restraining himself from full-on Christmas carol mode.

After prayer, the Imam announced that his sleigh was blocked-in by two Toyotas.

Follow @islamicanews for more ho ho ho-akbar!

Single Indian Man Would Like You To Know His Pronouns Are ‘Hum Aur Thum’

An Indian man’s matrimonial profile designated his preferred gender pronouns to be ‘hum/thum/phir bacha.’

An Indian man’s matrimonial profile designated his preferred gender pronouns to be ‘hum/thum/phir bacha.’

The pronouns, which translated from hindi mean ‘me/you/and then a baby,’ preceded a string of other confusing phrases. The following is an excerpt from Sameer Shah’s online profile:

Sameer Shah
Age: 32
Hum/Thum/Phir Bacha/Her e Mirchi/Something like that one/Me Need Green Card/She then make a Chai to me

Follow us/this @islamicanews

Bored Moon Sighting Committee Declares Eid For The Hell of It

Bored out of their minds, an area moon sighting committee decided to declare a random, never-heard-before Eid just for the hell of it.

Bored out of their minds, an area moon sighting committee decided to declare a random, never-heard-before Eid just for the hell of it.

The all male, veteran team of 6 struggled to find ways to be relevant, as the start of Ramadan was still over 6 months away.

“Our committee’s function is very specific,” explained 71 year old Abdul Malik as he played a game of bridge with the other men, robotically sipping on styrofoam cups of tea.

“We see the moon, we declare Eid. It’s what we do. It’s all we do.”

Through an audible yawn, Malik asked the team if they should just declare Eid tomorrow.

“I anticipated some push back, but the other guys just shrugged their shoulders and nodded without looking away from their playing cards.”

Malik resisted recent calls from the community to disband until necessary, and has indicated his group may declare several more Eids, now that they’ve set a precedent.

“It’s called job security baby.”

Follow @islamicanews but don’t follow these guys for Eid announcements.

Before Leaving Washington, Trump Turns Around And Shouts “Allah-U-Akbar!”

Seconds before Marine One lifted him away from White House grounds, Trump turned around and stunned observers as he shouted, “Allah-hu-Akbar!”

“It was bizarre,” described journalist Millie Andrews.

“He stopped for a second, turned around, and shouted the Muslim chant of ‘God is Great’ in arabic.”

Melania Trump could be seen donning a zebra striped burqa shortly thereafter.

Witness said they could hear ululations sound fade out into the sky.

HALL OF FAME