Update: Heaven Definitely Not Under Dad’s Feet

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Update: Heaven Definitely Not Under Dad’s Feet


Religious scholars, scientific researchers and household kids all concluded that heaven is not under, over or anywhere near the situation known as dad’s feet.

Curious minds in the community commissioned the study in order to answer the question : ‘If heaven lies under the feet of the mother, what then lies under the feet of the father?’

“A lot of hair and funk,” said seven year old son and research team lead Faraz Hussain.

“My dad has smelly carpet feet, and my mom has to run a vacuum cleaner on them.”

Follow @islamicanews as we continue to cover hairy situations. 

Pakistani Father Ends Shelter-in-Place Lockdown For Sons, Not For Daughter

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Pakistani Father Ends Shelter-in-Place Lockdown For Sons, Not For Daughter

Area Pakistani father, Khalid Riaz, declared the end to a shelter-in-place order for his sons, but has extended it indefinitely for his college-age daughter.

“Today I announce the lifting of the stay at home order for certain segments of my household, and extending it for daddy’s precious gem,” announced Riaz this morning at the family kitchen table.

“Sorry beta, you will be emancipated by marrying a nice, educated boy who probably just had his shelter-in-place order lifted as well.”

Daughter Fatima Riaz claims her lockdown began well before the pandemic.

Follow @islamicanews for more double standard coverage.

Department of Justice Drops Criminal Charges Against Michael Flynn After It Suspects He Killed A Black Man

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Department of Justice Drops Criminal Charges Against Michael Flynn After It Suspects He Killed A Black Man

The Department of Justice announced that it is dropping all criminal charges against Michael Flynn after it suspected that he may have killed a black man.

In spite of damning evidence and lying to the the FBI, and a guilty plead, prosecutors felt that Flynn may have murdered a black man at some point in his life, and therefore redeemed himself completely.

Follow @islamicanews for the latest updates and other racial injustices in real time.

Study Finds 98% of Disputes in Muslim Households Are Over Prayer Timetable

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Study Finds 98% of Disputes in Muslim Households Are Over Prayer Timetable

A recent study reveals that 98% of domestic disputes in Muslim households are caused by prayer timetables affixed to the refrigerator door.

Family counselors typically find a spike in cases around Ramadan, as the precise point to open the fast becomes a hot topic for many in the community.

“The mosque sponsored prayer schedules commonly found in Muslim kitchens serves as the flash point for heated disagreements and tension between members of the family,” says marriage counselor Aisha Khalil.

“Usually it’s the person that brings the timetable home that has to defend the method of calculations being used said schedule versus everyone else.”

Area husband and father Jamal Beydoun thinks the timetable in his kitchen is part of a greater conspiracy to send him to hell. “How do they expect me to believe that it’s sunset when my BROWN a** can go outside right now and get sunburned in 2 seconds?!?”

Make sure to pray on time and follow @islamicanews on Instagram for some scheduled comic relief.

Shariah Law Takeover Results in New Khanfederate Flag

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Shariah Law Takeover Results in New Khanfederate Flag

In what seems like a validation for Shariah conspiracy theorists, symbols of the Confederacy were converted to Islamic iconography as part of a broader effort to “brown-wash” U.S. history. Other civil war era monuments were also impacted, as a statue of a prominent general was renamed “Robert E. Ali” of the “Khanfederacy.”

These latest developments came on the heels of many local governments enforcing face coverings, and a string of pork processing plant closures across the country.

Members of the recently created “Alababamians for the Confederacy” Facebook group are expected to assemble together and march to the Ibrahim Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C. later this week.

Follow @islamicanews and don’t forget to wear your mosques -er- we mean masks.

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