Microwave Clock Totally Messing with Fasting Man: Regrets Following it Religiously

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MOBILE, AL – Late last evening, a local Muslim man held a press conference claiming his various timepieces and home appliances are “totally [expletive] messing with” him during the holy month of Ramadan.

“I’ve been following the clock religiously,” stated the man. “I stop eating the pre-dawn meal right on time, but when it’s time to break my fast I think something’s wrong.”

He explained despite numerous attempts to synchronize his microwave clock, it’s always “a few minutes off”. He also noted it often freezes for several minutes and “the damn thing” has, on at least one occasion, appeared to wind backward.

“See? We’ve been talking for like five minutes and the thing hasn’t changed at all! I see pink streaks in the sky. That’s gotta give the green light, right?”

The man named his oven clock and mobile phone as a co-conspirators in this “blatant deception of time” along with his wristwatch, wall clock and backyard sundial.

According to friends, the man has gained little from fasting beyond hunger and thirst.

ISIL Challenges Hamas to Dance-Off: "It's On in Ramadan!" Claim Militants

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Aleppo Province, Syria – Earlier today, ISIL militants released an 8-hour online video criticizing Hamas for their failures. In the video, a Che Guevara lookalike ranted for 15 minutes and challenged Hamas leaders to a dance-off to settle the matter.

“You knew this was coming. We finna drop a dope beat,” shouted the gunman, removing his turban and donning a backwards Yankees baseball cap. “You ready? It’s on like Ramadan! We gonna kick some Hamass!”

A “Teen Wolf” doppelgänger donned sunglasses, raised a boombox onto his shoulder and played some classic Run DMC tracks. The wolf man howled incessantly while the rest of the crew shook various limbs, showcasing their discombobulated dance skills.

“We’ve miscalculated their level of insanity and the overall threat,” stated a CIA spokesman. “They appear to lack basic hand-eye coordination and frankly, Obama dances better than them.”

After wiggling for approximately two hours on video the lead gunman, drenched in sweat, grew frustrated.

“Damn it, guys, we practiced this!” shouted the gunman, firing and killing a literally-dead ringer of Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine. “Did I say to stop dancing, Akheel? And stop howling!”

In the final six hours of the video, the remaining three members danced until collapsing of apparent dehydration.

Perspective: You Muslim Kids In The US Have No Idea What It Was Like Here Forty Years Ago: A 70's Muslim immigrant reflects back on a life full of adversities

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The following is an editorial written by Shafique Mansoor whose views and opinions are his own and do not reflect the viewpoints of Islamica News.

Hey guys, it’s me… the uncle who migrated to the United States from Pakistan back in the early seventies to pursue an education, and ultimately go back to my country but never did.

I just wanted to tell all of you Ramadan Mubarak, and I hope you’re having a great time tweeting pics of every damn crumb of food that enters your face-hole during sunset.

You know, you Muslim kids living in the North America have it so good nowadays. Back when I first migrated to this country, I was one of THREE Muslims living in a fifty-mile radius. And the other two weren’t real Muslims at all — one of them was a white guy who played the voice of Hadji from Jonny Quest. Oh, what an accent!

Today you have mosques EVERYWHERE — for shi’ahs, sunnis, sisters-only mosques, creepy brothers centers – AND YOU STILL COMPLAIN! What I wouldn’t give to have one good mosque to go to back then. The closest thing we had to a mosque was a condemned mobile home that we shared with a KKK grand wizard and a gaze of raccoons. Our Friday sermons consisted of some white supremacists telling us to go back to Nicaragua!

Technically they weren’t Islamophobes. No one knew what to hate because no one really knew what we were.

And we couldn’t afford a real Hafiz, so we paid some guy that kinda knew Surah Ikhlas. I remember that first Ramadan… he read Surah Ikhlas for ALL 20 TARAWEEH RAKAHS! We’d ask him questions on fiqh, and he’d just respond with ANOTHER recitation of Surah Ikhlas!

Wudu centers were a luxury. To do wudu, we had to report a fire so that the local fire department could come hose us down three times!

You kids have it so good with all your abundant sources of halal food. Do you think there were halal meat stores during our time?!? NOPE. We had to go into survival mode and resort to eating bacon. Delicious bacon every single morning with tears streaming down our cheeks. This was way before Google, so there was no way to research what pepperoni pizza really was. We’d scarf down ten slices at a time and wash it down with cold beers (no Google, remember?). Many years later, our version of a Halal Food Festival was a bag of kosher marshmallows sold from the back of some random dude’s van.

And holy crap! You have marriage apps now?!? You know how tough it was to find someone suitable to marry?!? We were forced to engage in the local nightlife  to find the closest thing to a Muslim female. Forget ‘people of the book.’ We had to settle for ‘people who heard of a book.’

But I must give it up to heavier white women. For decades they were Pakistani men’s guaranteed pathway to citizenship. God bless them. Even though that first marriage lasted all of 47 minutes. (BTW – If Debbie Auntie asks about me, tell her they threw my brown butt into Guantanamo Bay).

Anyways, you kids should be WAY more grateful than you are. Be thankful for the communities you have and the people you live with. If you think your life is full of challenges, just remember a younger, smellier version of me eid hugging myself to sleep every night.

 

 

RamaDo’s & RamaDon’ts: Helpful Tips to Stay on Task During the Holy Month

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Ramadan is a time of immense blessings, but also brings some challenges.

Below is an assortment of pro tips to help maximize benefits during the holy month. If you have any you’d like to add, please drop a line to [email protected].

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Dozens Injured as Ramadan Breath Onslaught Continues: Many Fear Worst Is Yet to Come

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DEARBORN, MI – The community is reeling as local IT worker Mohsin Kamal continues his merciless assault on anyone within a 10 foot radius. Only days into fasting in the holy month, Kamal is exhibiting careless disregard for his rapidly-deteriorating oral condition.

“Ramadan is a blessed time. We believe the breath of the faster is revered in the sight of our Creator,” stated one close Muslim friend. “But there’s a limit to that funk. Do they make an electric miswak?”

According to friends Kamal, 32, routinely stands “too damn close” and frequently gets excited, spraying saliva onto helpless bystanders. Local mosque officials blame dwindling congregation numbers largely to Kamal’s antics.

“He’s one of those guys that shouts ‘Ameen’ during prayer, causing others to become disoriented and injured,” stated the imam. “Frankly, it smells like someone defecated in the prayer hall. We’re not sure if he’s farting and blaming his breath. Either that or maybe he eats garbage for suhur?”

According to numerous reports, Kamal’s wispy beard was burnt off by his toxic breath fumes. Some, however, positively remarked his “circle of stank” forms a natural protective barrier around the mosque, guarding worshippers from Islamophobic attacks and protests.

His co-workers, however, are demanding Kamal be reassigned to a less public, non-helpdesk role.

“Everyone’s been calling in sick just to avoid Mo,” stated receptionist Jenny Bradford. “We only have eight employees but need to either get remote assistance or everyone’s buying gas masks.”

Man Begins Day-Long Social Media Fast: Virtual Cleanse Coincides With Spiritual Cleanse

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CHICAGO, IL – Looking to capitalize on his newfound motivation, 24 Year Old Umair Quasim took to social media early this morning and declared he’s deactivating his social media accounts.

“It’s going to last the duration of Ramadan and, insh’Allah, well beyond,” explained the student. “There are so many better, more productive ways to spend our time. I’m out! You all should do the same. Fear Allah!”

Quasim deleted an estimated 35 social media accounts and mobile apps from his device.

According to friends and relatives, this annual ritual lasts 29-30 hours depending on when Quasim is forced to deal with his friends and relatives.

“It feels awesome,” stated the enthusiastic man. “I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.”

At press time, many of Quasim’s friends reported new “Friend requests” from him on Facebook.

Muslim Coworker Spotted Heading Into Restroom With Stanley Cup: “What the hell is he doing in there with NHL’s most coveted trophy?!?”

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Chicago, IL – On Tuesday afternoon, employees at the Chicago-based Hewlitt Partners consulting firm spotted their coworker, Youssef Ali, hastily walking into the fourth floor men’s restroom with the National Hockey League’s (NHL) Stanley Cup.

Members of the firm’s Strategic Analytics group saw Ali walk into the restroom around 1:00 in the afternoon, shortly after lunch. Ali was then seen returning back to his cubicle thirty minutes later, wiping the cup dry with a paper towel.

The Stanley Cup is the championship trophy awarded annually to NHL playoff winner after the conclusion of the Stanley Cup Finals. Since the Chicago Blackhawks championship win on Monday night, the cup has been making its way through the city’s bars, sports venues and restrooms.

Ralph Wilson, Senior Accountant at the firm, witnessed Ali come out of a restroom stall, fill the trophy’s bowl up with water, only to return back to the stall and close its door.

“What the hell is he doing in there with NHL’s most coveted trophy?!?” asked a puzzled Wilson.

According to fellow employees Ali, who has been with the company for three years, routinely visits the restroom with either a paper cup, water bottle, or the wall-mounted emergency firehose in hand.

As of Tuesday evening, the cup is believed to have made its way out of the office and back onto the streets of Chicago.

“Sculpt Mohammed” Contest Fails Miserably: Organizer Claims Terrorists Sabotaged Event

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EL PASO, TX – The wave of anti-Muslim sentiment continued earlier today as the “Freedom of Speech Rally III” moved ahead with their “Sculpt Mohammed” contest, despite a slew of backlash and difficulties. Event organizer Robert “Billy Bob” Williams devised the concept while heavily intoxicated and watching televised coverage “Freedom of Speech Rally II.”

“There was this CAIR guy hollering how Muslims don’t want no artwork of Mohammed on account of idol worship or some idealization crap,” explained Williams. “I said to myself, Billy Bob, you can’t draw worth a damn but you can carve up some rocks. Let’s teach these Arabs some good old-fashioned American freedom!”

“Then I crapped myself and passed out,” added Williams.

Williams somehow managed to have Amazon.com ship an estimated 30 tons of granite, marble and limestone to an open field yesterday and that’s when his plans began to unravel.

“Carving stone of this size is a painstaking process that can take anywhere from 3 to 6 months,” explained one participant. “They booked this venue for eight hours.”

Dozens were injured as amateur sculptors feverishly fumbled with chisels, hammers and an assortment of power tools. One reporter was seriously injured by flying shrapnel when a participant attempted to sculpt with his Gloc-9 firearm.

“I’m willing to die protecting the first amendment with the second amendment!” noted the participant. When asked to name other amendments or the basic premise of the constitution, the man declined to comment and shouted, “Liberals!”

Despite being a largely nonviolent event, some Muslim counter-protestors pelted statues with stones however contestants were happy to have additional material to work with.

In an ironic twist, one participant carved a figure resembling the Virgin Mary and others flocked to a makeshift altar surrounding the statue.

The winning entry, a Play-Doh sculpture entitled “Ball with Stick on Top,” was from three-year-old Mark Davidson from Dallas, Texas.

Williams believes the event was sabotaged by unspecified “terrorists” and vowed to continue efforts of hatred, paranoia, self-promotion and vanity in the name of freedom.

Imam Claims Shia LaBeouf Plagiarized His Friday Sermon: Word for Word Rip, He Claims

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TORONTO, ON – Actor Shia LaBeouf’s recent viral YouTube motivational speech has a local imam crying foul. Riaz Hamouda, imam of the Pickering Muslim Society, claims LaBeouf stole it from his past Friday sermons.

“I deliver this speech, word for word, every week,” claims the imam. “He’s stolen my signature moves, down to my hand gestures. It’s [a] total rip. I should be the one being parodied on the YouTube.”

Hamouda explained the mosque struggled with fundraising efforts and he devised his “signature” speech to get donations for continued, perpetual masjid construction projects.

He proudly claims his speeches have resulted increased donations “in excess of $20 a week.”

“They’re 90 seconds of confusing, powerful motivation,” claimed a worshipper. “We regularly leave feeling like we have to do something. Sometimes we even flip double-parked cars in the parking lot.”

The imam was considering legal options against LaBeouf but it’s believed the matter has been settled out of court for an undisclosed “generously donated” sum.

LaBeoufs video has garnered over 3 million views since being posted last week.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuHfVn_cfHU

What if Diet Coke Can Technology Fell Into the Wrong Hands?: The doomsday scenario would be impossible to aspar-tame.

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Washington, DC – Authorities are on high alert after unopened cans of Coke were purchased in bulk from area Costco and other wholesale and discount stores.

The Department of Defense released a report based on intelligence gathered over the past several weeks. The recent report was published on the heels of Friday’s incident in which a Muslim woman requested an unopened can (the most dangerous type of can) of Diet Coke on a United Airlines flight. The woman claimed the unopened cans were more ‘hygienic.’

Coincidentally, crates of Coke cans disappeared overnight in ISIS strongholds across Syria and Iraq. Sources could not confirm if the cans were unopened or ‘diet-grade.’

A video released by the terrorist organization shows a group of masked men gripping Diet Coke cans in their hands, chanting, “Yes we CAN, yes we [Diet Coke] CAN!”

The recent report begs the question: What will violent groups do with the unopened cans of Coke? Furthermore, will they obtain the technology to mass produce diet-grade soda cans and distribute them across their growing army?

These questions are being posed to officials at the National Can-Violence Prevention Conference (NCVP) happening in Mclean, VA this weekend. Officials will also discuss how they will safeguard stockpiles of Coke cans across the world, and alert foreign governments to raise their respective security levels.

Authorities fear that an angry group of Muslims with malicious intent could throw multiple unopened cans at unsuspecting people, resulting in a ‘thunk’ sound effect. A series of these actions could result in a painful, yet comical montage of events.

Defense officials are closely monitoring the situation, and have issued a temporary ‘bottle-only’ order.

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