Scam Alert: Authorities Warn ‘Extended Wudu Warranties’ Not Real: If You Break It, You Must Do It Again

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CHICAGO, IL – Community leaders and authorities are warning of a scam involving the sale of extended warranties for wudu, the Muslim ablution process.

Law enforcement officials cite increased reports from citizens receiving phone calls and cleverly-worded e-mail claiming protection against the accidental loss or breaking of Wudu. Authorities believe these scammers made away with more than one million dollars from bogus insurance premiums.

Victims claim scammers establish credibility by outlining numerous common scenarios for wudu loss such as passing gas, cursing, thinking of spiritually unlawful thoughts, or the occasional flashing of a knee cap.

“It was like he was speaking to me, peering into my shameful soul,” claimed one hapless victim.

Once convinced, victims are led to believe that by purchasing the insurance, the state of wudu can be protected up to one year from the time of an initial rinse.

Desperate souls flocked to the idea of an accident protection plan against their wudu, as many saw it as a practical solution to a common problem.

Hussain Iftikhar purchased $500 worth of the phony wudu insurance, claiming that it would help him get through the day.

“If you’re subjected to the type of foods my family cooks, with all the lentils, spices, and such, you’ll know that preserving your wudu is a minute by minute challenge,” Iftikhar said. “I thought all my problems were solved. I didn’t do wudu for three months! Then I happened to visit Snopes.com one day, and my faith in humanity was shattered.”

Director of the local Islamic Society and Part-time Matchmaker Shaikh Khalid Mabuti, states that there is no truth to claims of protecting Wudu through insurance plans.

“If you fart, or sh*t your pants, you have to do Wudu all over again, just like the rest of us gentiles,” explained Mabuti.

Local Teen Ponders Coming Out of “Medical Closet”: Fears Family Scrutiny, Ridicule

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HOUSTON, TX – Helplessly locked into a Medicine major since the age of seven, local teen Salman “Silly” Husain is considering calling it quits.

“High school was grueling with all the AP classes,” noted Husain. “Now I’m looking at another decade of pre-med, medical school and residency. I’m just not sure it’s right for me.”

Husain’s not alone in his machine-like march to a six-figure salary. Not long ago, several children of affluent immigrants formed a support group called MLEFT in Greater Houston.

“MLEFT was founded to support students moving away from predetermined majors in medicine, law, engineering and finance,” stated MLEFT founder Bilal Apaluza.

When asked about the final T in MLEFT Apaluza responded, “Transexuals joined later somehow. We’re not sure what to do.”

Supported by the MLEFT community, students like Husain are encouraged to discovery career paths beyond the narrow desires of their parents. MLEFT also provides peer support when confronting family bias and pressures.

Husain’s longtime friend Viral Thakkar, also a former premed student ironically with a name like Viral, introduced him to the group.

“We were pulling an all-nighter once and I could tell Silly was underwater,” remarked Thakkar. “He’s usually so upbeat and fun. It’s sad to see him living like in denial. That’s when I knew I had to introduce him to the group.”

“It’s good not to feel alone,” stated Husain. “Ever since I was a kid, my parents dreamed I’d be a doctor. I don’t know how to tell them but we’re figuring it out. It’s going to break their hearts. Maybe I can soften the blow by first telling them I’m gay.”

Feature Length “Mipsterz” Movie Disappoints at Box Office: Filmmakers Fear Trailer Was Released Too Early

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LOS ANGELES, CA – After a hugely successful viral marketing campaign, fans of the “Mipsterz” trailer turned out in droves for the premiere of the feature-length film. Despite large crowds and huge online buzz, however, many moviegoers left theaters unsatisfied.

“The trailer was awesome. Lots of skateboards, ice cream cones, and pancakes being used in creative ways,” commented one fan. “But the best parts were in the trailer.”

Many echo similar sentiment, citing a formulaic narrative and the lack of character development or plot. Despite a $2 million production budget, many felt the film’s special effects were overdone and question the lack of any big-name actors.

“The biggest name you have, Noor Tagouri, wasted her talents in a minor, non-speaking role,” stated one frustrated fan. “They just cut to her smiling every minute or two. And what’s up with that terrorist dude doing the Harlem Shake?”

“I give it a D,” noted film critic and blogger Zaki Hasan. Hasan added, “The CGI was awful but I liked the twist ending with a cliffhanger. [The filmmakers] obviously had sequels in mind but I question their decision to make it into a three-hour epic.”

Quiet Muslim Woman Secretly Rageaholic on Road: Patterns Noticed, Many Fearful

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DEARBORN, MI – Parents at a local Islamic School were given a rude awakening last week in the form of screeching tires on a 2005 Lexus RX-330 SUV. The aggressive driver, identified as 29 Year Old Faria Daud, was spotted weaving in and out of traffic approximately 30 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.

“One second she’s honking like a cab driver and the next she’s smiling, kissing her kids goodbye and giggling like nothing happened,” stated one confused onlooker. “It’s really at odds with her ‘Coexist’ bumper sticker.”

“I think she flicked me off,” stated parent and longtime family friend Asad Maluza. “I’ve never seen this side of her. After seeing that, I connected the dots with the soccer game incident.”

Maluza explained that after a soccer match last month, many children came home complaining of dizziness and nausea. Daud, an active volunteer for many school activities, was the driver and chaperone.

When asked for an explanation, the soft-spoken mother of two blamed “some bad hummus the kids had for lunch before the game” and added it might be “some sickness going around.”

The children, however, tell a different story. One youth described Daud as “a freaking total maniac” who “used words I never heard before.”

“My child asked me what an [expletive] was,” explained another disappointed parent. “I’m not sure I even know what a [expletive] is but he says she shouted it while making a hard right. She’s probably the reason they don’t let women drive in Saudi. ”

Many children remarked Daud was “waving funny” at other drivers with her middle finger, texting constantly and, at one point, exited the vehicle with a baseball bat.

At press time, police were investigating allegations this may be connected to the “crazy baseball bat ninja” reports from last fall.

Al-Qaeda Operative Distances Self From Muslim Happy Video: Claims He Was Deliberately Deceived

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LONDON, UK – Shortly after going viral, a prominent Al Qaeda operative featured within the Muslim Happy video rushed to clarify his level of involvement within the production.

“I was sold a bill of goods,” remarked the flustered man. “They told me they were filming a training video and asked me to demonstrate some evasive maneuvers. Instead I end up in this crap.”

He claims much of his footage was edited and expressed disappointment that his 15-minute “Death to America, Death to the West” chant was cut out entirely.

“I can understand they have creative differences,” he stated, adding that his contract expressly mentioned a review prior to publication.

“That obviously didn’t happen. And acoustically, I was really pulling for some death metal or crunchy, distorted bass. Pharrell’s a little soft and overexposed. I haven’t felt this violated since I was tricked into doing one of those Harlem Shake videos.”

LotaCorp introduces ‘Istinja Turtles’ Lota: Nothing gets you cleaner than 4 green turtles joining in on the action!

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SUNNYVALE, CA – Riding the wave of this summer’s blockbuster release, LotaCorp (NASDAQ:’LOTA’) unveiled its new ‘Istinja Turtles’ style lota.

Four eager, heat-transferred turtles (of the mutant variety) are ready to take on your wet and wild adventures. The machine-crafted lota is made of durable plastic, and comes with LotaCorp’s patented right-hand “SURE GRIP” handle. To date, no left-handed models have been announced.

Dan Lota, Chief Marketing Officer at LotaCorp, believes the product will raise washing awareness amongst today’s children as it draws from the popularity of ninja-like turtles and combines it with the regular routine of washing our own “rocksteady” and “bebop.”

“With this product, we’re telling children that if the turtles can keep their sewer system clean, we should all keep our sewer systems clean,” said the 36-year-old CMO as he gestured his hand below the waste area.

A previous model made of wood was recalled, as it caused master splinters.

“Progressive Muslims” Really Just a Bunch of Hippies, Low-Lives: "My faith doesn't forbid me from participating in what my faith deems as sin."

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NEW YORK, NY – Since 9/11, many Muslim Americans have grappled with a dismal perception of Islam and its followers. For over a decade, American Muslims have shattered stereotypes and pioneered their way into unconventional accomplishments. But have many of them compromised their fundamental Islamic values? Have they gone ‘progressive’ at the risk of crossing orthodox lines? Does Islam in America need a reboot?

According to Ayesha ‘Tina’ Zafar, dancer at the Scores Gentlemen’s Club in Manhattan, it certainly does.

As Zafar smacks on her gum and struggles to maneuver in her skin tight pants, she bends over to check her lip gloss in the mirror. Layering on another two coats, the 21-year-old attempts to engage in a philosophical discussion. She breaks down traditional interpretations of the Quran and contends that a progressive update is very necessary for Muslims to thrive in the United States and around the world.

Adjusting her left set of adhesive eyelashes, Zafar begins her rant, “I mean, here we are sitting on the most beautiful religion in the world, and we have outdated and old fashioned mullahs telling me I can’t have my thong poking out of my yoga pants? Where in the Quran does it say I can’t wear see through yoga pants? There isn’t even a word in arabic for yoga pants. How are people supposed to see my thong accidentally poking out of my jeans if I’m wearing a jilbab, you know? Look at my thong! Follow me on Instagram!”

When asked if she felt her occupation conflicts with her Islamic dress-code requirements, Zafar quickly responded, “And that’s why I always wear pasties.”

Zafar points out that people from the Muslim world need a shift in mentality.

“Any dancer can tell you: Pakistani men don’t tip.”

Many Muslims living in the United States are feeling the challenge to assimilate more into American mainstream culture without losing their identity. Zafar believes that American values and Islam are not “mutually exclusive” and looks forward to when she can dance up on stage with Irshad Manji.

Muslim entrepreneur Rami Habibi, owner of alcoholic beverage company Habibeer, is also founder of “Drunk for Deen,” a non-profit organization focused on erasing the Muslim community’s stigma against alcohol.

“I love alcohol, I love rum, and I love – I looove white women” slurred Habibi. “And that’s why I married a buddhist [unintelligible],” stated Habibi prior to belching and squatting to defecate in public, followed by spontaneous urination.

Habibi believes Muslims in the United States cannot be productive members of society until they embrace the recreational and habitual practices of consuming alcohol, drugs and pornography.

“We’re not in the dark ages anymore, women can drive and do things now. Have you been to Tijuana? They’re doing all sorts of things down there.”

Incompetent Jihadist Contemplates Career Change: Struggling to Find a Cause, Group

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MADISON, WI – Six months after being dismissed from a local terrorist group, former IT worker and part-time jihadist Saleem Masheen is thinking it might be time to change focus in his search employment.

“I could do some odd jobs or go back to school but I want to stick with my passion, you know?” he stated. “There’s nothing like that freshly-radicalized feeling but it’s a crowded market with a lot of competition.”

Despite repeated attempts to latch on to a sleeper cell, Masheen claims he’s been rejected on the grounds of being “overqualified”, “under qualified” and “qualified but lacking ambition”.

“I feel I did a good job getting my resume to stand out. But I get nervous talking to recruiters. They always get me with the interview questions,” lamented Masheen. “Where do I see myself in five years? Seriously?”

Masheen voiced frustration that his former employer, Al-Qaeda in Madison, won’t give him a reference.

“They laid me off because of the recession and said nice things in my termination letter but now they won’t give me the time of day. I miss all my friends and colleagues. Working there was the bomb.”

When asked for comment, Al-Qaeda in Madison responded “We are not a jihadist group or terror cell. This is the UW Madison Institute for Mental Health. Privacy practices prohibit us from detailing specifics but we can confirm Mr. Masheen escaped last fall and is at large. If you have any details of his whereabouts, please forward them to authorities.”

Bloodshed, Death Toll Rises as Opposition Forces Battle: Rival Factions Continue to Clash

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PARTS UNKNOWN – Violence escalated in the region today, as members of rival factions took to the streets again. Reports vary as to the number of factions and their respective sizes, however many witnesses claim there are “at least three or four [who are] hellbent on killing everyone and everything.”

Years of war have ravaged the once-mighty nation.

According to many, The People’s Liberation Army – who might be the largest faction – are supported by Russia or the USA. Another group called the “Freedom Fighting Brigade” seems to be growing in number. When asked for comment, their supporters were unsure if they’re fighting for, or against freedom.

It’s worth noting that one of the groups is believed to be majority Sunni. Another one is probably Shia or Sufi. Probably not Sufi, though.

At this point, it’s unclear how the war started. Several believe it was the result of political unrest, citing the presence of a dictator who is obviously a CIA puppet and the son of a prior dictator.

A majority support the stability of a bloodline-based hierarchy whereas a majority support democratic voting allowing them to elect a new dictator.

Wait, that can’t be right can it?

Government supporters, however, continue blaming indigestion from the local cuisine and are pushing for the introduction of milder broths and stews to calm tensions.

Many around the world are watching when their regularly-scheduled programming and newsfeeds are interrupted by mentions of a car bombing or roadside explosion.

“We’re worried that family members or distant friends might still be somewhere within the region,” stated one concerned emigrant. “The Muslim world, sadly, is once again ignoring the crisis.”

At a press conference, Secretary of State John Kerry pledged the US will deploy “several” Likes on Facebook and is considering strategic tweets as part of their humanitarian aid.

Kerry added, “If that doesn’t work, we’ll begin indiscriminate drone strikes in the region in the hope to restore order and stir the US economy.”

In the meantime, civilian casualties mount and humanitarian aid workers are scrambling to deliver relief.

“We don’t know where to begin,” stated a spokeswoman for Islamic Relief Worldwide. “Seriously, where do we begin? We need a map or something. Somebody please tell us where to go.”

ISNA Unveils Lineup for 2014 ‘Imamapalooza’: Tickets Expected to Sell Out Quickly

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DETROIT, MI – The ISNA rumorville came to a halt on Monday, as it released this year’s Imamapalooza lineup. Die-hard fans of the festival will be pleased to hear that Hamza Yusuf will once again headline the stage, along with Suhaib Webb, Siraj Wahaj, and Zaid Shakir.

The festival, which drew one hundred thousand fans from across the world last year, is expecting another strong turnout in Detroit. This year’s setup includes six stages, three prayer Halls, two wudu areas, and a mostly functional speaker system. The event will also feature a ‘Mashallah’ Pit, which is expected to be a fan favorite.

Organizers of the festival ran into a few logistical issues with the City of Detroit and were forced to address concerns that last year’s festival left the venue with excess litter, including piles of miswaks, various fundraising dinner fliers, and scattered lotas.

Last year’s festival experienced rain showers which caused the ground to deteriorate into mud. However, performing Imams saw this as a silver lining.

2013 Imamapalooza participant Noman Ali recalls, “I remember Shaikh Hamza was in the middle of his set, and all of a sudden the rains came down. He told us to do tayamum with the mud. The crowd went nuts!”

Imam Zakir Naik, who could not make last year’s festival due to immigration challenges, is expected to open for Zaid Shakir, and has promised to do a 10 minute solo of non-stop citations.

Fans are hoping this is the year Hamza Yusuf will reunite with his old band, ‘Hanson’ for an improvised jam session.

Tickets are expected to sell out quickly, and fans are urged to make purchases through authorized ticket vendors.

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