Update: Heaven Definitely Not Under Dad’s Feet

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Update: Heaven Definitely Not Under Dad’s Feet


Religious scholars, scientific researchers and household kids all concluded that heaven is not under, over or anywhere near the situation known as dad’s feet.

Curious minds in the community commissioned the study in order to answer the question : ‘If heaven lies under the feet of the mother, what then lies under the feet of the father?’

“A lot of hair and funk,” said seven year old son and research team lead Faraz Hussain.

“My dad has smelly carpet feet, and my mom has to run a vacuum cleaner on them.”

Follow @islamicanews as we continue to cover hairy situations. 

Pakistani Father Ends Shelter-in-Place Lockdown For Sons, Not For Daughter

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Pakistani Father Ends Shelter-in-Place Lockdown For Sons, Not For Daughter

Area Pakistani father, Khalid Riaz, declared the end to a shelter-in-place order for his sons, but has extended it indefinitely for his college-age daughter.

“Today I announce the lifting of the stay at home order for certain segments of my household, and extending it for daddy’s precious gem,” announced Riaz this morning at the family kitchen table.

“Sorry beta, you will be emancipated by marrying a nice, educated boy who probably just had his shelter-in-place order lifted as well.”

Daughter Fatima Riaz claims her lockdown began well before the pandemic.

Follow @islamicanews for more double standard coverage.

Department of Justice Drops Criminal Charges Against Michael Flynn After It Suspects He Killed A Black Man

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Department of Justice Drops Criminal Charges Against Michael Flynn After It Suspects He Killed A Black Man

The Department of Justice announced that it is dropping all criminal charges against Michael Flynn after it suspected that he may have killed a black man.

In spite of damning evidence and lying to the the FBI, and a guilty plead, prosecutors felt that Flynn may have murdered a black man at some point in his life, and therefore redeemed himself completely.

Follow @islamicanews for the latest updates and other racial injustices in real time.

Study Finds 98% of Disputes in Muslim Households Are Over Prayer Timetable

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Study Finds 98% of Disputes in Muslim Households Are Over Prayer Timetable

A recent study reveals that 98% of domestic disputes in Muslim households are caused by prayer timetables affixed to the refrigerator door.

Family counselors typically find a spike in cases around Ramadan, as the precise point to open the fast becomes a hot topic for many in the community.

“The mosque sponsored prayer schedules commonly found in Muslim kitchens serves as the flash point for heated disagreements and tension between members of the family,” says marriage counselor Aisha Khalil.

“Usually it’s the person that brings the timetable home that has to defend the method of calculations being used said schedule versus everyone else.”

Area husband and father Jamal Beydoun thinks the timetable in his kitchen is part of a greater conspiracy to send him to hell. “How do they expect me to believe that it’s sunset when my BROWN a** can go outside right now and get sunburned in 2 seconds?!?”

Make sure to pray on time and follow @islamicanews on Instagram for some scheduled comic relief.

Shariah Law Takeover Results in New Khanfederate Flag

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Shariah Law Takeover Results in New Khanfederate Flag

In what seems like a validation for Shariah conspiracy theorists, symbols of the Confederacy were converted to Islamic iconography as part of a broader effort to “brown-wash” U.S. history. Other civil war era monuments were also impacted, as a statue of a prominent general was renamed “Robert E. Ali” of the “Khanfederacy.”

These latest developments came on the heels of many local governments enforcing face coverings, and a string of pork processing plant closures across the country.

Members of the recently created “Alababamians for the Confederacy” Facebook group are expected to assemble together and march to the Ibrahim Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C. later this week.

Follow @islamicanews and don’t forget to wear your mosques -er- we mean masks.

New Lota Now Comes with Attached Helping Hand

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New Lota Now Comes with Attached Helping Hand

This week, Dhulao! brands unveiled the HELPER 3000, an innovative lota that features a lifelike, silicone left hand attached to the vessel’s spout. According to the company’s website, HELPER 3000’s adjustable hand and fingers ensure optimal access to cracks and crevices of all sizes.

“The addition of the premium, silicone hand is perfect for folks who don’t want to get in on the dirty,” said product director Rashad Malik.

“It’s also for those who are nostalgic of their childhood, and miss an adult-figure doing it for them. This gives them that experience, while preserving dignity.”

Models come in three skin tones, and the detachable hand is dishwasher safe. The HELPER 3000 went on sale last week, but inventory is wiped out – er – we mean washed out. 

Give us a hand, and follow @islamicanews for more product news.

Quarantine Reflections From 6 Muslim Immigrants

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Quarantine Reflections From 6 Muslim Immigrants

In the midst of a major pandemic, Islamica News asks six Muslim immigrants to share their experiences and wisdom living quarantined lives. Follow @islamicanews on Instagram for a deeper look into the socially distanced/socially awkward Muslims living amongst us. 

“NO! NO! NO! YOU NINCOMPOOP!” Fauci Explodes At Trump During Coronavirus Press Conference

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“NO! NO! NO! YOU NINCOMPOOP!” Fauci Explodes At Trump During Coronavirus Press Conference

Dr. Anthony Fauci grew visibly frustrated during Trump’s daily coronavirus press briefing, as the President indicated that a regimen of laxatives and Liquid Drano proved effective in flushing out the virus from “millions” of patients, and would soon be put to trial later this week.

The infectious disease expert in charge of advising the White House’s response to the pandemic desperately charged the podium in an effort to muzzle the President. “No! No! No! You damn Nicompoop!” exclaimed Fauci as he ran up with arms flailing in panic.

“Have you lost your f#%king mind?!? I can’t do this anymore! I was supposed to be retired living in a yurt by now.” mumbled the esteemed medical expert who served under six American Presidents.

With an irate invoked blood-red complexion, Fauci positioned himself behind the microphone and began to correct the six factually inaccurate statements made by the President moments earlier.

In other news, Amazon reports it has sold out of Liquid Drano. 

Imam Leaves Live Streaming On After Sermon

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Imam Leaves Live Streaming On After Sermon

Elgin, IL – Well after he live streamed a Friday sermon, Shaikh Mabuti, Imam of a suburban Chicago mosque, still appeared to be broadcasting from his camera phone.

Online followers desperately tried to alert the Imam via the Facebook Live streaming service comments section, as he walked into the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and did his thing while singing “Who Let the Dogs Out.”

Over 200 followers also observed the Imam make himself a sandwich, wash his hands over a dozen times, and blow burps into his children’s faces. As of 5:30 pm, the Imam was still broadcasting on Facebook as he binge watched a season of Friends. 

Update: Mabuti’s live stream ended after his cell phone battery discharged on Saturday afternoon. It also appeared that it was finally brought to the Imam’s attention, based on a recent tweet from his account.

8 Things the United States Government is Doing To Protect the Country Against Coronavirus

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8 Things the United States Government is Doing To Protect the Country Against Coronavirus

As the coronavirus pandemic sweeps through the country, Islamica News highlights 8 key things the US government is doing to protect Americans. Swipe through the below gallery to find out! Follow @islamicanews for ongoing coverage of the pandemic.

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