Wednesday, April 24, 2019
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President Trump Assures Iftar Guests: Dinner and Waterboarding Will Start After Sunset

On Wednesday evening at the White House Iftar, President Trump assured Muslim guests that all waterboarding would be conducted well after sunset.

Washington, DC – Wednesday evening, at an Iftar dinner hosted by the White House, President Trump and CIA Director Gina Haspel assured all guests that dinner and waterboarding would not start until after sunset. Per the Islamic tradition, Muslims are required to abstain from food and drink between sunrise and sunset during the holy month of Ramadan.

“Some of our honored guests have expressed concern that ingestion of water may nullify their fasts. Therefore, I want to assure everyone that any attempts to waterboard you will be well after sunset,” announced Haspel to a room full of foreign dignitaries representing various parts of the Muslim world.

“It would be a shame that your day-long sacrifices go to waste as a result of our attempts to extract potentially useful information in the name of national security. Trust us when we say we admire your discipline and dedication to the faith.”

Haspel considered carrying out some torture prior to dusk, but felt the risks of prematurely breaking the fast was too great.

“One single stream of water from backed-up nostrils into the mouth and down the throat, and all of a sudden you’ll have some very angry Muslims to deal with.”

This year is the first time President Trump hosted an Iftar, amidst the perception that his administration isn’t friendly to Muslims.

During sunset, Trump could be seen struggling to swallow a date, the fruit traditionally used to open the fast.

“Nobody told me these squishy things had seeds,” mumbled Trump as part of a tooth fell out of his mouth.

An official from Saudi Arabia stood by, staring at the POTUS in awe.

“I’ve never seen an orange eat a date,” gasped the unidentified official.

White House staff pulled together a unique list of menu items, including Chef Sebastian Gorka’s signature Porkorays, Beer-Yani, and Taqiyya Tacos.

Senior Advisor Stephen Miller went table to table offering guests lard with their dinner rolls.

President Trump described the evening as a “HUGE success” as guests began to mysteriously disappear, one by one.

New Speedy Gonzales Mosque Will Finish Taraweeh Tonight

Señor Imam Speedy Gonzales will lead the final taraweeh tonight, completing the Ramadan prayer in record time.

Saudi Ariba, Mexico – In a fast-paced outcome, Masjid-ul-Speedy Gonzales announced its congregation will complete taraweeh tonight, twenty-three days earlier than scheduled. Taraweeh is an evening supplication typically performed during Ramadan and consists of a recitation of the entire Holy Quran. Because the prayer includes all verses from the holy book, Muslims will spread taraweeh over 30 days. However, due to the Imam’s rapid pace, the Mexican mosque is expected to complete Taraweeh much, much earlier.

“Señor Imam Speedy is incredibly fast in his recitation,” says long time mosque attendant Sylvester the cat, as he wiped the drool from his rodent-fasting mouth. “Suffering succotash, it’s hard to keep up with him.”

Other members have expressed similar concerns, saying that followers find it difficult to identify which chapter of the Quran the Imam is reciting.

“The Imam was going so fast last night, I didn’t even know which surah we were on,” said whiplash victim Ibrahim Lopez.

“I’m pretty sure it was the verse that goes ‘¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! ¡Epa! ¡Epa! ¡Epa! Yeehaw!'”

Lopez was so disturbed he looked up at the Imam during the prayer, only to find a small dust cloud preceded by a cartoon sound effect of something running away fast.

Mosque officials are expecting full attendance of tonight’s final prayer, although some are concerned that the Imam will be finished by the time congregants arrive.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Palestinians Keep Getting Dead Somehow: Innocent Israel Confused How This Happening

Israeli authorities are baffled as they investigate mass deaths in Jerusalem following recent Palestinian protests. The death toll is somehow rising despite Israel doing nothing harmful whatsoever and just minding it’s own beeswax. They swear.

“These people seem to have gotten dead on their own,” shrugged Chief Investigator Uzi Rayfel. “We don’t understand it. They’re probably terrorists or slipped on banana peels.”

“Perhaps both,” he added.

One popular theory claims Palestinians protesters mistakenly walked in front of innocent Israeli snipers as they were “protecting” a small patch of dirt. Others believe Palestinians are intentionally walking under rockets to “make themselves dead.”

When asked why they would do that, Rayfel quickly responded, “Because terrorists.”

Online theories include a rare airborne illness called “bulletosis”, allergies to rocket-propelled grenades, and Palestinians protesters killing each other “just to make Israel look like the bad guy.”

A small minority claim this could be a continuation of decades-old genocide, however Rayfel was quick to dismiss that, claiming, “It’s a Hamas thing, you wouldn’t understand.”

At press time the Muslim world was oddly silent, once again.

NRA Cash Falls From Sky During Paul Ryan’s Response To Mass Shooting

On Thursday, NRA cash fell from the sky during House Speaker Paul Ryan's live televised response to the latest US mass shooting.

Washington, DC – NRA money fell from the sky during Thursday morning’s live broadcast of the GOP response to the latest US mass shooting.

Swaths of cash could be seen falling over House Speaker Paul Ryan’s head as he spoke to reporters and offered the most ‘thoughts and prayers’ in American history. Bills in one hundred dollar denominations could be seen fluttering down rapidly as the Wisconsin representative attributed the tragedy to mental illness and called for law enforcement to make American schools and public spaces more safe for our children.

“At one point a hundred dollar bill stuck to Mr. Ryan’s mouth, silencing him in a way,” said camera man Sean McMullin. “It was almost… poetic.”

Ryan then peeled the hundred dollar bill from his face and told reporters that he wished he had packed an umbrella, and that he was ‘relieved’ the money wasn’t sent down as coins.

The cash tapered off abruptly when it seemed that Ryan would mention the weapon used in the shooting. However, Ryan steered his statement back to more sentiments of consolation, and in turn, the money resumed a dense flow.

When asked about the bizarre event, the 54th Speaker of the House offered very little explanation.

“I’m not sure why it happened, but I can tell you one thing… it wasn’t because of climate change.”

Man 88% Sure He Still Has His Wudu

At Asr time, Saleem Mushtaq was 88% certain he still had his wudu from the morning; which is a probability he is comfortable with.

Sterling, VA – As Saleem Mushtaq walked into the prayer hall at a DC area mosque Wednesday afternoon, he paused for a moment to recall if he still had his wudu from earlier in the day.

Wudu is a physical cleaning ritual Muslims must do in preparation for prayer, and one that is “broken” by actions including using the restroom, passing gas, cursing, or engaging in sexual activity.

“I’m positive I didn’t go to the bathroom, but did I… did I fart?” the 28-year-old Systems Architect thought to himself, as he frantically tried to backtrack what he’d been doing for the previous 5 hours. “I mean I had all that Chipotle for lunch, but I was pretty good after that… wait that doesn’t sound like me though.”

Mushtaq could be seen in the middle of the prayer hall standing motionless, with his head tilted up toward the mosque ceiling and eyes squinted as he mentally searched for any memory to warrant a trip back to the wudu area.

“I mean if I DID rip one, i’d probably be proud of it… and that I’d TOTALLY remember. Hmm.”

Mushtaq also clicked on a YouTube clip of Aziz Ansari’s standup, shook hands with an attractive coworker, and mumbled the word ‘dumbass’ to himself after reading Trump’s tweet from earlier that morning. All of these however, were dismissed as insignificant behavior.

After 10 seconds of contemplation, Mushtaq decided he was 88% certain he still had wudu from earlier, and proceeded to perform his afternoon prayers.

HALL OF FAME