Tuesday, June 18, 2019
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Airlines Cracking Down On Emotional Support Manimals

On Monday, US Airlines issued travel bulletins which outlined restrictions against a growing number of emotional support manimals on board flights.

Chicago, IL – On Monday, domestic airline carriers announced they are tightening rules for flying with Emotional Support Manimals (ESM), requiring passengers to show authorized proof of need and some form of guarantee the manimal will not be a threat to other passengers.

“We’ve seen a significant uptick in the number of Emotional Support Manimals brought aboard flights by passengers,” said United Airlines spokesperson Eli Kensington. “Many of these have resulted in confrontations, including meager attempts at growling, and awkward drunken-licking attacks.”

Kensington also noted a shift in the types of ESMs used by travelers.

“Most commonly we’ve seen manimals in cat form, however recently we’ve seen cows, sexy frog, minotaur, and something that looked like a cross between Elmo and a manatee… maybe it was just a fat Elmo. Anyway, last week on a flight from Houston, one passenger brought on an ESM wearing nothing but a dog collar.”

Airlines are also concerned with a recent spate of biting attacks. Delta Airlines is now requiring all ESMs to be caged or confined during flight, a move that is expected to draw ire from some travelers.

ESM owner Karen Evans defended manimals and noted that it’s humans that provoke these kinds of attacks.

“People need to remember you can’t pet manimals,” explained Evans. “It makes them very mangry.”

One passenger was detained after being mistaken for a manimal.

“I told them I wasn’t a manimal,” said the anonymous American Airlines customer. “It was freakin Halloween for crying out loud.”

For now, airline officials will continue to update their policies as needed.


Your Uncle Wants Someone To Explain Rules of Football At The Most Tense Time of Game

Ismail Patel wants someone to explain to him the entire rules of American Football during a very tight and tense Super Bowl fourth quarter.

St. Louis, MO – “Please explain me this game,” asks a 62-year-old Saleem Patel during the Super Bowl’s tense fourth quarter. “I just don’t understand how you score. Why are they always falling down?”

Patel’s questions go half ignored as everyone in the room is glued to a large flat panel tv broadcasting the last moments of a very close game.

“I mean why do they have to wear all that stuff? Don’t they get hot?”

Patel repositions himself next to his 22-year-old nephew, Rashid Khan hoping to gather any semblance of clarity around the conundrum played out in front of him.

“Bayta, what is a down?” asks the elder Patel putting his hand on his nephew’s shoulder.

“I mean I really wanted to help the guy out, but does my uncle have to pick THE WORST time to ask questions on a very complex game?!?” said a frustrated Khan, as he keeps close to the screen during a commercial break.

“At one point he asked me if you had to be black to play. I don’t know where to start.”

As the game headed into a most certain overtime, Patel could be faintly heard through the commotion, still asking questions.


Cleveland Indians Replace ‘Chief Wahoo’ with ‘Call Center Raj’: Team apologizes for its inaccurate depiction of Indians with a Native American icon.

Responding to claims of racism, the Cleveland Indians will replace their old mascot, 'Chief Wahoo' with the new 'Call Center Raj.'

Cleveland, OH – Amid criticism and protests, the Cleveland Indians announced they will replace the divisive Chief Wahoo mascot with the new ‘Call Center Raj.’

“Major League Baseball is committed to building a culture of diversity and inclusion throughout the game,” MLB’s commissioner, Rob Manfred, said in a statement.

“We realize that the inaccurate portrayal of an Indian with a Native American has caused grief and pain to many. We can only imagine how Indian Americans as well as Indians all over the world must have felt through this ignorance and oversight.”

Indians owner Larry Dolan said it was time his organization modernized its team’s branding with a more accurate approach and ensure it attracts future generations of fans.

“I told them, ‘No not THOSE kind of Indians. You’re thinking woo woo woo, and i’m saying the bollywood type,'” said an animated, yet frustrated Dolan.

“If we’re really being honest, I blame Christopher Columbus for this mess.”

Fans have already taken to social media to show their approval. Some have proposed replacing the current offensive chants, with ones ‘Call Center Raj’ would say, including:

  • “Please explain me problem.”
  • “Maybe YOU need to restart YOUR computer!”
  • “My name is Henry Stevens, but I don’t sound anything like a Henry Stevens.”
  • “What time is it? IRS SCAM TIME!”

Merchandise with the new mascot will go on sale online as early as next summer, and ample tech support will be available.


BREAKING: Roy Moore Fondles Latest Exit Poll: Poll accuses U.S. Senate candidate of improper contact steps away from voting booth.

U.S. Senate candidate Roy Moore is accused of fondling latest voter exit poll. Moore has denied the allegations.

Birmingham, AL – On Tuesday, U.S. Senate candidate Roy Moore allegedly fondled an exit poll minutes after exiting a voting station just out of Birmingham.

According to sources, the fresh, young poll was approached by Moore right outside the courthouse when the improper conduct took place.

Moore vehemently denied the allegations. A source close to the Moore campaign cast doubt on the credibility of the polls.

“We saw how credible these polls were during the Presidential election,” said an unidentified campaign manager. “There’s your statement.”

Meanwhile, Moore has been asked to keep clear of all sorts of polls.

Developing story.

White Shooter Trying His Hardest To Be Labeled A Terrorist: "They're going to try to peg the 'shooter' label on me. Don't let them."

John McAllister plans to leave behind enough evidence for investigators to determine his mass attack on civilians is undoubtedly an act of terror.

Paducah, KY – John McAllister isn’t leaving anything to chance. The 28 year old bald-shaven, blue-eyed Kentucky native with a troubled past, is determined to follow through on a premeditated scheme of carnage; one that he says will have to be reported on as an act of terrorism.

“I gotta get this right,” says McAllister as he taps his shiny black Dr. Martens boots against the desk.  He carefully reviews his plan of attack, along with floor plans of an undisclosed office building. To date, he’s run through several simulation drills and compiled an inventory of evidence for a probable investigation.

“Did you know of the last 22 mass shootings in this country, only one was labeled a terrorist act? And do you know why that one was? Because the dude was brown… Immigrants are messin’ up EVERYTHING. Not anymore!”

A nervous McAllister then paces around his office, one that is adorned with nazi symbols and white supremacist rhetoric.

“They’re going to try to peg the ‘shooter’ label on me. Don’t let them… DO NOT LET THEM… It’s so condescending.”

McAllister pulls out a short stack of items he hopes the authorities will find during an inevitable raid of his two-bedroom apartment.

“Here’s a binder that should serve as a manifesto, leaving no doubt that my plan is to inflict maximum damage on civilians and my motive is driven by my vision of an immigrant-free USA. I’ve also included a manila folder with my medical records — full analysis of my mental health, demonstrating my impeccable sanity, just in case they attempt the whole ‘mentally-ill’ angle on me.”

Shortly following, McAllister holds up a homemade DVD with the words ‘Terrorism Evidence’ scribbled across the top surface with a permanent marker.

“Now this is the crowning achievement, the catch-all if you will. This has videos of me training on a jungle gym and stumbling across an obstacle course. In case, you know, they need background stock footage for all that endless coverage they like to do.”

The soon to be shooter – ehem – terrorist, also calls out one video in which he repeats the phrase ‘This is terrorism” non-stop for 10 minutes.

“Unfortunately I won’t be around to hear what they end up calling it, since I plan to shoot myself afterwards. We typically do that, you know? That’s why the folks on the news nearly always get it wrong. Brown people equal terrorism, white people equal mentally ill shooters. I wish the world would just see us for the extremist we really are. I guess that’s affirmative action for ya.”

As the clock struck noon, John McAllister polished his assault rifle, packed in it a carrying case, and then eagerly headed out the door.

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