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South Asian Mother Brings Up Her ‘Heart/Blood Pressure’ Condition To Win Argument Against Kids: "Beta, do you WANT to give your mummy a heart attack?"

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Islamica News
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55-year-old Seema Desai frequently uses her figurative blood pressure and heart issues as an effective parenting tactic.

Downers Grove, IL – On Sunday, forty-something mother of two, Azeeza Khan, reminded her youngest daughter of blood pressure issues during a heated exchange about a trip to the movies.

“I asked her if I could go to the 10 pm showing of Guardians of the Galaxy with Alicia,” said 15-year-old Aisha Khan. “I mean Alicia got her license last month, so you’d think it would be OKAY.”

“All of sudden, she asked my dad to bring the home blood pressure monitor to her, as she stumbled onto the plastic-covered family room sofa. It was like watching an Indian drama unfold.”

Her mother’s words immediately prompted the frustrated teenager to withdraw her case before marching back to her room and slamming the door.

Elsewhere, aspiring actor turned medical graduate Sameer Desai attributes his abrupt career switch to a conversation he had with his mother over six years ago.

“I remember how excited I was when I ran home to tell my mom I was going to pursue theatre and acting,” recalled Desai, now a 26-year-old medical resident at North Shore Hospital.

“My mom just stood there shocked with tears swelling up in her eyes… and with barely a whimper in her voice she asks me in an Indian accent: ‘Beta, do you WANT to give your mummy a heart attack?'”

“Then at one point she asked me to dig her grave right there… in the kitchen… with ceramic tile floors.”

Following the incident, Desai was hounded by calls from aunts and uncles who asked him why he wanted to give his elderly mother a heart attack.

Years later as a doctor, Desai was able to run routine medical tests on his mother – only to discover she never had any heart-related conditions.

Across the country, South Asian mothers continue to strategically use their heart conditions to elicit willful compliance from their children.

Haram Researchers Invent New Way of Sneaking Pork Into Food: "First the rennet in the cheese and now the this?!"

By
Islamica News
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With a reported Haram Activity Mass (HAM) of 895.2, the new compound is 100 times more haram than Porkohol, previously the most haram substance on the planet.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Speaking via webcast yesterday, scientists at the Haram and Very Makruh (HVM) Institute announced a breakthrough, allowing them to stealthily infuse pork-based molecules into virtually all forms of food.

“This is the kind of edible innovation we’ve worked tirelessly to achieve,” stated Lead Research Dr. Taem Marah. “Game over.”

Marah explained the revolutionary, patent-pending process begins with vaporizing an entire swine, which is subsequently condensed through a 12-step process into its ultimate, super haram liquid form.

“The Haram Activity Mass, or HAM as we refer to it, within this new compound is off the charts,” noted Dr. Marah, laughing sheepishly. “This is quantifiably 100 times more haram than any other compound on the planet, including [previous record holder] Porkohol.”

“From baked goods to soft drinks…even bottled water, this new colorless, flavorless, odorless haramity creates new and exciting opportunities to trick unsuspecting Muslims everywhere.”

Upon hearing news of this new compound, Area Aunty Mehmooda Shakeel suffered a massive coronary.

“First the rennet in the cheese and now the this?!” she remarked, while being loaded into the back of an ambulance.

At press time, your paranoid uncle is suffering convulsions at the very thought of this.

Lone Wolf Condemns Latest Terror Attack: Animal fears backlash against his marginalized self

By
Islamica News
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Lone wolf Randy Wolfowitz vehemently condemns terror attacks committed in his name.

Whitehorse, Yukon – Fearing predictable repercussions after yesterday’s mass shooting, lone wolf Randy Wolfowitz held a press conference on Thursday sharply condemning terrorism in all its forms. A visibly frustrated Wolfowitz clearly expressed his contempt for the senseless violence conducted in his name.

“Let there be no doubt… I unequivocally condemn any acts of violence by other so-called lone wolves,” said the self-proclaimed alpha wolf. “This goes against a commitment to the wolf code of conduct that I’ve mutually agreed to amongst myself.”

When asked if he spoke on behalf the rest of his pack, the gray wolf said he only represented himself.

“I’m a lone wolf, remember?”

Wolfowitz also said he will begin public relations campaigns and outreach programs to combat any negative stereotypes against his marginalized persona.

“The irony of it all is that lone wolves are incredibly timid and complacent creatures. I’m actually a really fun guy to be around. I like comedy, fitness, philanthropic stuff, and of course paw licking… Oh my god I LOVE to lick my paws!”

“It’s not until I get with the pack that things get crazy… that’s when things go ape shit. But technically I’m not a lone wolf at that point.”

Wolfowitz then abruptly ended the press conference to howl at the moon.

Uncle Mercilessly Overusing “Good Friday” Joke: Same Lame Joke Repeated For Record 25th Year

By
Islamica News
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Area Uncle Faisal Naseeruddin was greeted by an assortment of groans, hisses and occasional boos while continuing his annual tradition of mercilessly overusing his one “Good Friday” joke.

“It’s funny because every day is Good Friday for Muslims, you know,” grinned the man, believing nobody’s heard this before. “Every Friday.”

“We get it, Frank. You say this every year,” noted Bill McAvoy, Naseeruddin’s work colleague for the past 15 years. “It wasn’t funny last year and it’s not funny today. Of course it’s good if you’re taking a two-hour lunch every Friday.”

Naseeruddin’s coworkers aren’t alone. Friends and family share similar frustrations and shared their collective lament.

“Baba always says the same lame dad jokes so this just adds to that mess,” noted his daughter Mina, age 8. “He’s been saying it longer than any of us [kids] have been alive.”

“The most awkward part is his extraordinarily long pause after telling his joke, waiting for someone to laugh” added his wife, Naureen. “See him standing there smiling like an idiot? He’s still waiting for it.”

“I think he’s drooling a little bit,” she added.

Opinion: This Thanksgiving Muslim-Americans Will Practice ‘Turkeyya’: Don't be fooled by their displays of overwhelming generosity and compassion!

By
Islamica News
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Muslim-Americans gather together to celebrate Thanksgiving. Margaret Smith doubts their intentions, and she calls it classic 'turkeyya.' Photo credit: Naples Daily News

Marge IslamophobeThe following is an editorial written by Margaret Smith whose views and opinions are her own and do not reflect the viewpoints of Islamica News. Smith is widely known for her coining of the terms ‘Lamestream Media,’ ‘Killary,’ ‘Libtards,’ ‘Snowflake’ and ‘Obummer.’ @paranoidmarge

Hi America. It’s me, Marge… your conspiracy-wielding aunt sitting across the table from you this Thanksgiving. You BETTER have a helping of Marge’s infamous ‘Spamberry Sauce,’ or I may just add you to a particular government registry being thrown around these days (*Cough* Muzlim list).

Anyways, I only have a few minutes before I have to camp out at Hobby Lobby’s Black Friday Yarn event… BTW – You’re going to LOVE my holiday anti-Islam quilt!

Now you might see images of Muslim-Americans celebrating Thanksgiving, pretending to be all warm, and full of compassion – LOOK AWAY! It’s ALL a smoke-screen to distract you from their agenda of bringing Poultry Shariah law to our land… a rather FOWL proposition if I do say so.

They act like they love this country, sitting at dinner tables – faking their gratitude for America granting them opportunities they wouldn’t have elsewhere. It’s called ‘Turkeyya’ and Marge ain’t getting fooled by it. I heard in Chicago they donated 5,000 turkeys to the less fortunate… talk about some Level Jive Turkeyya!

At the grocery story last week, I walked up to a lady wearing one of them heejobs and asked her where she was from. She said Kabul. I was like “Kabul? Don’t you mean gobble?!? As in gobble gobble!” Sheesh, do they have to ruin everything?!?

Now if you remember, i’m the one that told you about the concept of Taqiyya. Turkeyya is clearly the next step in the game of sharia law conquest. And to all of you snowflakes out there, quit telling me that i’m misinterpreting their text, or falling for conspiracies. I don’t have time to READ anything, or get to KNOW anyone. I have a quilt to make for God’s sake!

So trust your Auntie Marge America. Do not get distracted by their smiles. Don’t get drawn in by their kindness or generosity. It all smells like a burning halal turkey to me.

And another thing: Yesterday I found out that Steve Bannon guy is really a Muslim practicing an extreme form of Taqiyya… a white-supremacist pretending to hate Muslims and Jews while secretly being a Muslim. Buckle up buttercups… it’s going to be one helluva ride.

P.S. I know I said Obummer would bring sharia law to the United States… and I KNOW it’s been eight years and that hasn’t happened yet… but be patient. He still has TWO more months!
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