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After Brexit, Trump Demands US Leave EU: Republican candidate's thoughts resonate with supporters.

Donald Trump congratulated Britain on the Brexit vote, and said the US should do the same.

Little Rock, AR – Speaking to supporters at a rally on Friday morning, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump congratulated Britain on its successful vote to leave the European Union, and said its time the US did the same.

“Britain has spoken. Don’t you think it’s about time the US left the EU?” Trump asked the moderately large crowd gathered at Dickey Park Stadium just outside Little Rock.

Supporters responded with enthusiastic cheers, hoisting up makeshift ‘Make America Great Again and let’s leave the PE-EU’ signs. Others looked for the nearest immigrant to punch.

When asked how Trump would achieve a EU exit, given the United States is not a member, Trump responded, “We’re gonna look at that, and there’s problems, look we have to do something.”

“All over the country, people are coming up to me and asking when we’re leaving the EU. Look, I’m building a wall.”

Trump promised that if elected President, he would push for a referendum to leave the EU “ASAP.”

“When I’m President, we’ll not only leave the EU, we’re going to leave the EARTH!”

Shaikh Mabuti’s 7 Tips To Ease Into Ramadan: The first few days of fasting can be tough, but these tips from Shaikh Khalid Mabuti make the transition into the holy month a breeze.

Shaikh Mabuti presents 7 Tips to make the transition into Ramadan a bit more smooth.

mabutiFor many Muslims, Ramadan serves as a time for reflection and spiritual calibration. The first few days of fasting, however, can prove to be a challenge. Don’t fret. Shaikh Mabuti presents these tips to make your transition into Ramadan smooth and easy.

 

Tip #1 – One way to alleviate hunger pangs during the fast is to eat a sandwich in the middle of the day.

Tip #2 – Remedy caffeine withdrawal symptoms with a rigorous waterboarding session by the FBI agent at your closest mosque.

Tip #3 – Simulate eating a meal by placing the burger emoji near your mouth in your daily Snapchat selfie.

Tip #4 – For suhoor, consider foods that are high in potassium and 18-hour sleeping pills.

Tip #5 – Lose your appetite by staring into Donald Trump’s flaky, orange skin as he threatens to ban next year’s Ramadan in the USA.

Tip #6 – Select the ‘Perform my Islamic duties for me’ option on TaskRabbit.

Tip #7 – Since fasting isn’t required of the traveler, take a flight from Chicago to New York with 37 stops on Southwest Airlines. Don’t speak Arabic on the plane though. They’ll kick you off, and you may have to start fasting again.

Report: Enough White People Died to Activate Facebook Flag Overlay: Social Network Activates Filter for User Profiles

PALO ALTO, CA – In the aftermath of the terrorist attacks in Brussels, Facebook headquarters confirmed the minimum threshold for dead white people was met and activated their popular “flag overlay” filter. The filter allows social network users to easily ruin their profile picture based on Facebook’s arbitrary decisions of what constitutes a worthy tragedy.

“We almost turned it on when terrorists attacked Ankara since Turks are technically Caucasian,” noted Facebook spokesman Poke LeFace. “But then we thought, come on… they’re not like regular white people. Disqualified.”

“#WhiteLivesMatter, you know?” added LeFace.

The move adds insult to injury for many who regularly complain about the lack of media coverage for terrorist attacks in Muslim and non-white countries.

67-Year-Old Facebook User Farhat Naseem commented, “I am very sad and shocked about this. I would post angry statuses on Facebook if I could remember my password. Can you help me fix my iPad?”

Obama Effortlessly Leads Prayers During Mosque Visit: "It's almost as if he's visited a mosque every day of his life."

Baltimore, MD – On a brisk February day, President Barack Obama walks into a Baltimore area mosque, swiftly removes his shoes and heads for the ablution stations in a suspiciously routine fashion. This is Obama’s first visit to an American mosque during his presidency, and is part of the administration’s push to promote religious tolerance.

Imam Abdul Ali of the Baltimore Islamic Community watched the President as he shuffled right past the mosque reception committee, and straight to the men’s restroom.

“As soon as he entered the mosque, he lowered his gaze, mumbled salam and headed for the restroom,” said Ali as he recalled his first encounter with the President earlier today. “I could hear him fill up a green plastic vessel with water and shut the bathroom stall door… you know, to wash his… presidential… butt.”

“It’s like he’s done this every day of his life.”

Prior to prayer, Muslims are required to ‘purify’ themselves through a series of steps that involve rinsing parts of their bodies.

After the evening Athan (call to prayer), Obama assumed the role of leading the congregation.

Thirty-four-year-old mosque attendee Tariq Ahmed stood bewildered as he observed Obama easily go through motions of the prayer with an impressive recitation of Quranic passages.

“Before he started, he looked back and instructed us to straighten our lines,” said Ahmed. “He said ‘Shoulder to shoulder, pray every salat as if it’s your last. You never know when one of my drones can be off by 1-2 degrees.’”

Obama recited the entire Surah Ya-Sin during the first half of the prayer, with many congregants floored by his accurate pronunciation and inflection.

After prayers, and with miswak in hand, Obama made a few announcements and implored the community to donate generously. He then ushered himself back to a blocked-in presidential limo.

Brown Man Accidentally Wins Stare Contest: South Asian maintains staring expression 12 hours after competition ends

28-year-old Sachan Damaraju accidentally won a stare contest over the weekend, and will invest his prize money in blinking lessons.

Chicago, IL – A brown man accidentally won a stare contest Sunday afternoon, as he markedly outperformed all participants at the annual ‘Stare if You Care’ charity event.

28-year-old Sachan Damaraju, originally from Calcutta, India, glared at contestants from the corner of the tournament hall as they walked around. Judges unanimously declared him the clear winner after Damaraju maintained 18 ‘stare hours,’ shattering the previous record of only 3 hours.

Damaraju went on to stare at everything else that moved.

“In all my years, I’ve never seen such an intense display of concentration,” said impressed competition chairperson David Williams. “His focus… impervious to any distraction the audience threw at him.”

Williams then leaned in and whispered, “Don’t look, but he’s staring at us right now.”

Williams also observed that Damaraju’s beaming eyes especially intensified when the other contestants were brown.

“It’s almost like there was this unspoken symbiotic connection.”

Apparently Damaraju is completely unaware he actively participated in the stare contest. When asked about his creepy yet overwhelmingly successful methods, he seemed perplexed.

“Stare competition?” said the Computer Science PhD student. “I know not what you talks buddy.”

Damaraju’s future plans include staring at a girl in his class he suspects is Indian, and registering for blinking lessons.

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