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Opinion: It’s Not the Mosques We Fear, It’s the Dragons That Live Underneath Them: A protestor explains the real reason why many are against mosques in America

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Islamica News
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Marge Smith is a Tennessee resident and is against the establishment of mosques around the country. She is also infamous for her 'Fudge Islam' brownies.

Marge IslamophobeThe following is an editorial written by Margaret Smith whose views and opinions are her own and do not reflect the viewpoints of Islamica News. @paranoidmarge

Hi America. It’s me, Marge… your insanity check for the week. Many of you have been begging me to post the recipe for my ‘Fudge Islam’ brownies, and I promise your dear hearts I will soon. They even made me a ‘Fudge Islam’ t-shirt, because they know I won’t wear the original version – it’s not Marge appropriate.

Now you may have heard of the rallies we have planned this weekend, protesting mosques and the spread of the evil religion of Islam around our beloved country. Well I’m here to set the record straight. You see, it’s not the mosques we fear – dear God no. It’s what lies dormant beneath each and every one of them: fire breathing dragons!

Now I know you’re probably asking yourself: ‘Marge, Muslims say they’re a peaceful bunch, why on heaven’s earth would they have dragons living underneath their places of worship?’ First of all, no they are most certainly NOT a peaceful bunch, and secondly I should know. I get all the information I need from Facebook posts and comments sections, and let’s just say if we don’t get this Muslim thing under control we’re going to have flames of sharia law spewed from the skies across the union.

I read somewhere that the ‘Middle East is on fire.’ Hmm I wonder why… DRAGONS.

You see, right now the Muslims are here just pretending to be peaceful and unaware of these evil dragons. It’s called ‘Taqiyya’ or ‘Taqueria’ or something – anyways it means they can lie about the dragons. Once it’s time, they pray to the head dragon, ‘Ramadan.’ Ramadan can’t eat or drink any water because it affects his ability to breathe fire.

At sunset, Ramadan emerges from underneath the mosque – conveniently located here in Tennessee by the way – and activates the other mosque dragons. All the mosque dragons will then combine to form ONE GIANT SHARIA DRAGON WITH RAMADAN AS THE HEAD AND TORSO!

America needs to wake up! This has happened in Europe already. Need I remind you of the plight of Beauwolf or Smaug’s horrific desolation in the 1950’s? Thank goodness for the legendary crusaders that were able to tame these barbaric beasts and drive them back to Istanbul.

Can we talk to them and make peace? Absolutely not. That only promotes the spread of dragon eggs which are microscopically small and can be airborne. Have you ever tried to get rid of dragon eggs from a mattress? It can take months.

The only way we can combat these Muslims and their flying reptilian friends is by rallying around mosques with guns and grammatically incorrect messages on poster board. The misspellings in our messages confuse the dragons and interferes with their sense of direction, ultimately paralyzing their wings. We’ll then teach them the ways of inbreeding to nurture the destruction of their species.

So join me my fellow Americans as we come together this weekend and unite around a beautiful cause to combat the wicked ways of sorcery, black magic and flying serpents. We’ll promote the message of love and peace by encouraging these dragon-loving communities to go back to their lairs. That is if the Muslims ever get to the mosques on time. They always be draggin.

Area Muslim Man Suspected of Being Closeted President of the United States: 49% of Republicans still believe Muslims are hiding their status as Commander-in-Chiefs.

By
Islamica News
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Since 2008, Muslim Americans have had to deal with the misperception that all of them are Presidents of the United States.

Washington, DC – When Donald Trump supporter Christine Hendrickson was asked if she thought President Obama is a Muslim, she responded, “No, but I do think all Muslims in the US are secretly Presidents of the United States.”

And she’s not alone. Approximately 49% of Republicans believe that Muslims in America are hiding their true identities as POTUS(es). Conservatives remain unconvinced that Muslims living in the United States are everyday, hard-working, non-presidential citizens.

51-year-old Kamal Aziz, an American born Muslim of Pakistani origin, is constantly bombarded with suspicion of being the leader of the free world.

“I get it all the time, you know? Every where I go, I hear ‘Mr. President… Mr. President!’”

“One time I walked into a room, and some band started playing ‘Hail to the Chief.’”

Aziz recalled a day when he was pulled out of the airport security line by the TSA, and then escorted onto Air Force One.

“I tried telling them that I’m just an Electrical Engineer from Texas, but they just winked at me and said ‘Sure you are Mr. President.’”

Neighbor Maggie Evans is thoroughly convinced Aziz belongs in the White House, and says she has overwhelming evidence to support her case.

“If he’s not the President, why does he wear suits when he leaves the house every morning?” says the 62-year-old Florist. “I saw him giving a speech to the family through his living room window… looked pretty presidential to me.”

“Unless he shares his birth certificate with the rest of the nation, I’m going to continue to criticize him on his domestic policies.”

New York City taxi driver Syed Jamal is frequently questioned by his passengers in regards to his national agenda.

“I jokingly tell them that i’m going to dissolve Uber,” says Jamal. “Because I (expletive) hate Uber.”

As the nation enters another election year, Muslim Americans are expected to endure even more perks of the Office of the President.

Muslim Republican Starting to Think This is a Bad Idea: Radicalized Man Re-Assessing Views

By
Islamica News
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Saleem's previously-staunch beliefs are beginning to unravel.

CANTON, OH – Speaking candidly to reporters in the back of a Trump Rally, 44-Year Old Mohid “Moe” Saleem remarked he’s starting to regret his choice to support the Republican party, adding he’s “beginning to genuinely fear for his life.” The small business owner has supported conservative movements and the Republican party for nearly two decades.

“I was living the American dream. I started with nothing and through hard work, made my way up the ladder. I now own five 7-Elevens,” stated the college-educated descendent of Indian doctors. “That’s 35 Elevens! Love to America!”

However Saleem explained his conservative beliefs have grown more radicalized over the years, often remarking “only lazy people” are the ones that don’t succeed and spewing a variety of anti-immigrant views despite himself being a first-generation South Asian immigrant.

“A light bulb went off for me at this Trump rally,” stated Saleem, referencing numerous anti-Muslim remarks seemingly supported by Trump. “I’m used to a few of my Republican brothers shouting slurs at me. They confuse me for the enemies of our great nation and it can happen to anyone, really. That’s why I drape myself in an American flag whenever I’m in public.”

“But after Mr. Trump responded and called Muslims ‘horrible ragheads,’ everyone started looking at me. A few minutes went by and security guards escorted me out at gunpoint. That kind of hurt. I’m confused? Maybe this was a bad idea.”

Saleem noted remarks from Trump, Carson and Cruz also have him questioning whether or not Republicans understand or have even read the constitution. While re-evaluating his political views, Saleem reiterated he’s “a patriotic American” and made numerous requests nobody beat him up because of his name or the way he looks.

Ahmed’s Parents Concerned Too Many People Standing Around: Family Home Endures Massive Overcrowding

By
Islamica News
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The family claims their home environment has turned into a "giant house party, minus Kid 'n Play."

Irving, TX – Following his arrest and rise to social media stardom, Ahmed Mohamed’s parents are growing concerned there are “far too many people” standing around their house “at all hours, day and night.”

The family claims their 1800 square foot split-level single family home has been barraged by a slew of supporters “covering every square inch” of their home. The family is worried about overcrowding and fire hazards resulting onslaught of supporters visiting their home.

“The #IStandWithAhmed movement makes me very happy for the support my son’s received,” stated his father. “But we need to get to sleep and there’s a couple of hundred people standing around, talking and watching TV at all hours of the night.”

“Obama’s crashed on the couch and I’m pretty sure an MIT professor clogged the toilet. Also, we’ve stated there’s no smoking in our house but there are butts everywhere.”

At press time, 14-year old Ahmed was seen giggling at his father’s mention of the word “butt.”

Texas School Celebrates Brilliant White Student’s Homemade Clock: “We’re not sure what it is, but I’m pretty sure it can cure cancer.”

By
Islamica News
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White student Alfred Mulholland is presented a lifetime award for his brilliance in creating a suspicious homemade clock out of a pencil box and circuit boards.

Irving, TX – A Texas high school celebrated a moment of innovation and genius yesterday as 14-year-old student Alfred Mulholland revealed a clock he made using a pencil box, a circuit board and wires.

The staff at Irving High School were made aware of the student’s invention when the improvised device emitted a beeping sound from the student’s backpack, drawing the attention of Mulholland’s English teacher, Karen Davis.

“I asked him, ‘What in devil is that? And WHY are you keeping this gem all to yourself?'” said the 43-year old instructor.

“It kinda looked like a bomb, but there was something about the complexion of his skin that just didn’t add up.”

Davis admitted that she didn’t know what the device was, but strongly believed it “held the potential to cure cancer.”

Other faculty members were invited to witness the modern marvel. After reviewing the clock, Principal Dave Cummings called for a mandatory pep-rally.

“Normally our pep-rallies are planned events, but this was an extraordinary circumstance,” said Cummings, who has been with the district for 10 years.

“It’s not every day our white students make suspicious looking clocks!”

By noon, the school auditorium was packed with enthusiastic students and teachers amidst a shower of confetti and balloons as Europe’s ‘Final Countdown’ blared over the speakers. A laser hologram of a blinking ’12:00′ flashed behind a team of cheerleaders doing the robot with oversized clocks around their necks.

The school presented Mulholland with the district’s “Lifetime Achievement Award for Innovation” and invited him to speak on stage.

“Well to be honest, it was actually a failed bomb experiment,” said the caucasian freshman as he revealed the project to his fellow classmates.

After a brief period of pin-drop silence, the crowd erupted in cheers as the ‘Final Countdown’ blared once more.

Members of the local police department were invited to quit their jobs, as a sense of peace prevailed across the suburb of Dallas.

Ahmed Mohamed, a fellow student and self-proclaimed inventor mentioned that he had made a similar invention, but was told to “shut up” because “today is ‘Alfred Mulholland Day.'”
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