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Texas Official Apologies For Humanizing Muslims: Rare Slip by Elected Official

By
Islamica News
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Miller adamantly denied rumors he's a "towelhead sympathizer."

SXSW, TX – Texas Commissioner Bubba “Boss Hog” Miller is backtracking after a Facebook post in which he mistakenly humanized Muslims, referring to them in a non-derogatory tone. Miller blames the post on a staffer who ignored “clearly-established” protocol prohibiting non-hate speech against “Islam, Muslims and injuns.”

The Facebook status, remarking on the diversity of US heritage, stated, “Christians, Jews, Muslims and people of all ethnicities are welcome here in the great State of Texas.”

The post ignited social media backlash and condemnation by Miller’s fiercely racist constituents.

“Camel jockeys and sand n@**ers don’t belong in our country!” exclaimed one commenter. “Send them all back to Iraqistan!”

“My dogs hate the 7-11 guy,” stated another supporter/bigot. “He needs to stop being Muslim!”

In a press release, an apologetic Miller stated, “We deeply regret the inclusion of Muslims in any dignified context. Our office is inclusive of all ethnicities and religions, except Islam. And maybe the Hindus. They’re the same thing, right?”

“Anyway, we’re taking steps to remedy the oversight. I vow to hunt down the probably-Muslim sumbitch who did this.”

Man Arrested on 437 Counts of Sandal Theft: Massive Undercover Sting Catches Mosque Thief

By
Islamica News
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Amongst the loot, authorities recovered 43 pairs of bathroom flip flops with an estimated street value of $20.

DES MOINES, IA – A 15-year federal sting operation has netted an evil lurking within area Islamic centers. The suspect, identified as 37-year old Pakistani native Ayman Bughali, is facing over 400 counts of footwear theft spanning several years.

Bughali, a trusted pillar of the Muslim community and the mosque’s graphic designer, was responsible for numerous misspelled signs, flyers, and recently launched the mosque website IslamCentorDonutGeneriously.com. Authorities apprehended Bughali this past weekend after he attempted to sell a pair of sandals to an undercover detective. He was heard screaming “Chappals! My beautiful chappals!” while being led away in handcuffs.

In early 2000, Bughali was spotted leaving the Islamic Center with four pairs of bathroom slippers tucked into the back pocket of his jeans. Mosque administrators informed local police, who subsequently escalated the matter to federal authorities.

“We honestly didn’t expect to track [Bughali] for this long,” stated FBI Lead Investigator John Michaels. “It was petty theft but then 9/11 happened and the Patriot act gave us this new power. We figured what the hell, let’s see what makes these Muslamics tick.”

“Weeks turned into months and we were puzzled why a man would steal dollar-store bathroom slippers. Years went by trying to reconcile this odd pattern of behavior,” stated Michaels. “Some detectives organized a betting pool on whether he’s a serial killer. Thankfully, it was just shoes.”

After raiding Bughali’s apartment, authorities recovered dozens of leather sandals, flip-flops, dirty sneakers, leather socks, a vintage pair of 1992 Air Jordan’s, six pairs of women’s shoes and a large assortment of single, unpaired footwear.

“The unpaired footwear is the most disturbing,” noted Michaels. “Why would he have so many single sandals and shoes? Was he stealing from one-legged worshippers? Was he selling to one-legged terrorists? If so, why haven’t these peg-leg terrorists shown up on our intelligence reports? Do they talk like pirates? These are important questions we’ll soon answer.”

After an hour of seemingly random pirate/terrorist theories Michaels revised his stance, stating, “Wait a minute. He took lady shoes? That’s definitely the most disturbing part.”

American Dental Association Condemns Killing of Cecil The Lion: Issues Statement As Dentists Brace For Backlash

By
Islamica News
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ADA Spokesman Murad Haseeb spent nearly an hour spewing every dental pun imaginable.

CHICAGO, IL – Dental professionals are bracing for another backlash on the heels of the recent slaying of Cecil, the beloved Zimbabwe lion. In a press conference this afternoon, the American Dental Association (ADA) stated the dental community fears being targeted because of the recent acts of a rogue dentist.

“Once again, we must clarify Dr. Walter Palmer is not representative of the vast majority of peaceful, law-abiding members the dental community. Dentists, orthodontists, periodontists and the like have been under intense scrutiny for decades but we acknowledge Dr. Palmer is an abscess on our professional community,” remarked ADA spokesman Murad Haseeb, pausing for laughter. “But we can’t brush this aside.”

Another awkward, 10-second pause followed.

“Seriously though, the ADA acknowledges the need to do a better job of rooting out the canals of decay in certain pockets of our industry,” elaborated the increasingly pun-riddled spokesman. “We fear this incident could result in the largest backlash since the ‘Long Island Tooth Fairy’ incident.”

That infamous 1997 incident involved a New York-based oral surgeon performing dozens of unnecessary extractions and root canals as part of an elaborate insurance fraud scheme, earning him the “Tooth Fairy” nickname. He’s currently serving a 20-year sentence in a maximum-security federal prison.

“That really began my suspicions about these people and their true intentions,” stated conservative personality Glenn Beck. “There’s so many sleeper cells in the dental community, mostly because they have easy access to laughing gas.”

Beck explained he’s had “numerous dental experts” on his television program and the “overwhelming majority” have stated dentists are “a bunch of Godless heathens hell-bent on destroying our way of life and gums.”

“Look at their spokesman, he’s a Muslim for Christ’s sake,” added Beck.

“Some people obviously have an agenda against dentists, perhaps stemming from a bad childhood memory or the fact we annoyingly keep telling you to floss like you’re actually going to do it this time,” remarked the ADA spokesman. “You’re never going to please them. It’s like pulling teeth. Gotta run. It’s almost 2:30. Get it?”

Ancient Quran Floppy Disks Uncovered: Digital Historians Shocked at Discovery

By
Islamica News
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The Hamid's vacuumed a thick layer of dust off the floppy disks before making their discovery.

BRAINTREE, MA — While performing a late spring cleaning last week, 48-Year Old Marouf Hamid discovered a set of 58 floppy disks containing an ancient, DOS-based Quran entitled “The Alim 1.0.” The set was untouched in the Hamid attic for over two decades with the family unaware of its significance.

“It’s amazing,” remarked Hamid. “How did people have the patience to shuffle through 58 disks?”

The family took the set to a local library computer lab for observation. Amazingly due to a lack of public funding, the library had a functioning IBM PS/1 personal computer with a 5.25″ floppy drive.

“The computer is all yellow and reeks of cigarette smoke,” stated a volunteer librarian. “They can use it if they want, I guess.”

After electrocuting three volunteers attempting to turn on the machine, the PC finally booted and a small crowd anxiously awaited while hearing the grinding noise from the floppy drive.

After approximately 15 minutes of “Loading…” messages, viewers were greeted by a colorful CGA splash screen touting the “World’s most useful Islamic software.”

“I guess the standard was pretty low back then,” stated Hamid.

According to experts, the Arabic text in the 1995 software appears to be identical to modern printings of the Quran.

“Unfortunately after trying to radiocarbon date a few of them, they’re now unreadable,” noted one expert. “Some disks appear to have copies of a game called ‘Oregon Trail’ written over the original software. We lost another one after the computer caught fire and burned down the library.”

Eid Prayer Fashion Gala Dazzles Worshippers: Red Carpet Event Kicks Off In Style

By
Islamica News
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Fan favorites included outfits such as (from left) Crimson Fury, Jack Sparrow and Golden Peacock.

NORTH HOLLYWOOD, CA – Earlier today, Muslims around the world celebrated the annual Eid ul-Fitr Prayer gala. The fashion show was underway during the second and third prayers services.

“The first prayer service at 8am is more of a pre-show. Nobody takes fashion seriously that early,” remarked 18 Year Old Matheen Baig. “The fashionistas come to play at the 9am and 10am services and goodness, they did not disappoint. The shoe bags alone are to die for.”

Worshippers were dazzled by an array of East-West fashion fusion as sisters/models donned a variety of halfjabs and suits encrusted in mirrors, precious metals and various other fragments never meant to be attached to cloth.

“I love the show. I had this Is’haq Mirzahi suit imported six months ago for this day and I am rocking it,” noted one fierce sister. “I’m glad they told the paparazzi to lower their gaze but they still took too many pictures of my toes and ankles.”

Not everyone, however, is a fan of the spectacle. Some noted the styles on display would make Oscar De La Renta vomit in his grave. Others had genuine safety concerns.

“It’s really quite dangerous,” noted one onlooker. “One young lady was wearing a suit so overly embroidered it looked like some kind of mirror armor. It must’ve weighed more than her. I saw her falling over constantly.”

Another young lady wearing a crispy, over-starched outfit was asked to leave the prayer service due to being an apparent fire hazard.

Even 38-Year Old Abdul Kazi got in on the act, attempting to bring the wool summer sweater back in style. When asked about it he clarified he was, in fact, shirtless.

“This is too much,” noted one older, grumpier onlooker. “I get you’re supposed to be dressed nicely and all, but did they need to blast Right Said Fred and RuPaul as we’re leaving a place of worship?”

The fashion show came to an abrupt halt when the makeshift catwalk collapsed after being struck by a minivan hastily maneuvering the parking lot, injuring dozens.

At press time, the latecomer who was driving the minivan was clamoring for a fourth jama’at.
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