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What do you think of sharia law in Brunei?

By
Islamica News
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According to recent reports, Brunei has become the first East Asian country to adopt sharia law. What are your thoughts?

bro5

“Sadly, we have yet another misguided effort. Jay Leno should still be hosting the Tonight Show.”
Jameel Kuraishi

sis4

“I love it. New vacay spot where I won’t stick out like sore thumb. The arbitrary death penalty is an added bonus. I might even opt for the burqini instead of my usual niqini.”
Anonymous (We’re Pretty Sure) Sister

bro4

“M-m-m-my sharia! M-m-m-m-m-my sharia!! Seriously though, what’s a Brunei?
Mahmoud bin Beta

sis3

“On multiple occassions, the Quran clearly states “waste not by extravagance,” so I look forward to seeing what the Sultan will do with his 1700+ room palace and thousands of cars. Let’s not even get into his multiple divorces or even the concept of monarchy.”
Malia Alam

klansman

“Can you imagine a place where someone has to cover up their head when they go outside? I mean, what kind of bull crud is that?!?! Hold on, I can’t breath in this thing.”
Frederick Kreuger

Check out more Islamica Asks.

Boko Haram Agrees to Return Girls If This Gets 50k Likes, #BringBackOurGirls Trends: They Mean It, Maybe

By
Islamica News
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Head Lunatic Abubakar Shekau lays out some of his shifty, numerous demands.

ABUJA, NIGERIA – As the uproar continues over the kidnapping of hundreds of young girls in Nigeria, leaders from Boko Haram, a group of maniacs with guns, has expressed astonishment at the backlash.

“It’s kind of amazing, we didn’t expect this kind of reaction,” stated First Lieutenant Shaka Zulu. “I thought nobody cared what’s going on here. More than 150k dead in Syria, 2 million in Palestine … and then one day, our social media manager shows up with all this chatter.”

Upon reading numerous open letters, Facebook statuses and tweets, Boko Haram leaders are dumbfounded.

“Look, we’re crazy but we still have feelings,” shouted Colonel Shakeel Oneel while firing his AK-47 randomly into a crowd, killing four subordinates. “Some of those mean tweets really hurt.”

Many on social media have also resorted to changing their avatars or icons or whatever you call them. Florida Teen Jessica Alvarez, who last changed her avatar thingy when Gap rebranded their logo, joined the chorus earlier this week.

“Look at the good we did when Gap pulled that crap,” mentioned Alvarez. “I’m sure we can make lightning strike twice.”

The social efforts seem to be working as Boko Haram stated they intend to return the girls once this article reaches 50,000 Facebook likes. For real. Not really. They’re crazy, remember?

“By Allah, I am a madman,” exclaimed leader Abubakar Shekau as he slit the throat of his first lieutenant upon suspecting dissent. “But if it’s the will of the people, we’ll return the girls once we trend on Twitter.”

Shekau underscored his insanity by also demanding an unprecedented 20 “+1’s on Google Plus.”

Sadly as with many past crises, Muslim countries remain largely silent on the matter. The lone exception was Turkey, who released a statement that popular Turkish clown ‘Bozo Halal’ is not affiliated with the conflict in any manner.

Terrorist MERS Virus Attacks US, Fox News Reports: Broadcaster "Pretty Sure" They're Right This Time

By
Islamica News
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FOX News yet again sheds light where the sun doesn't shine.

NEW YORK, NY – In a breaking development, Fox News has concluded the recent MERS infection of an undisclosed US citizen is, in fact, a terrorist act. The news was reported throughout the day by their team of white, blonde women anchors.

On her 5AM broadcast, Fox News Anchor Ainsley Earhardt announced that MERS, of known Saudi origin, is part of “Al-Marad”, a group of radicalized, militant viruses. In addition to MERS, the terrorist group includes Meningitis, Goat Pox, Patchy Beard, Camel Toe, and Sharia law.

At 9AM Martha MacCallum, another blonde, went on to detail various facts, mixed liberally with opinions, in an attempt to build the case that this is actually news.

Blonde Anchor Gretchen Carlson invited Islamaphobe/expert Ayaat Hirsi Ali to her broadcast who noted that Al-Marad “has been brewing in the region for several decades” and warned of the threat of “global Islamic virus pandemic.”

Ali concluded “all Muslims are the devil” and urged viewers to buy her book.

On her nightly broadcast, Fox News Blonde Megyn Kelly invited Ibrahim Hooper, one of the founders of the Council of American-Islamic Relations (CAIR).

“It came from Saudi Arabia,” stated Kelly, digging right to the heart of the matter, “Isn’t it true that’s where Mr. Al Qaeda was born?”

Hooper, dumbfounded by the light of truth, struggled to respond.

The grilling wasn’t over, though, as Kelly added, “Mr. Hooper, why did you leave Sesame Street? I thought you died. That ruined my childhood. You’re a liar and vagrant.”

Man Facing Midlife Crisis Buys Red Toyota Camry: Relishes Acting on Impulses

By
Islamica News
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Abdallah's family fears what his next move might be.

SCHAUMBURG, IL – At a recent press event, 48-year-old father of three Malik Abdallah disclosed he’s recently experienced a midlife crisis and decided to finally act on some of his “crazy, impulsive” urges.

“I was driving home one day and remembered I always wanted a sports car,” explained Abdallah. “So I drove to the dealer and bought a red one.”

That car, identified as a used 2007 Toyota Camry sedan, was purchased from the local Toyota dealership last week.

“He walked in here like he was going to throw down some serious cash,” stated his car salesman. “But he tried haggling on a new model for two hours and went with that used piece of [expletive].”

Abdallah explained he wanted to purchase a coupe, but ultimately decided on the 4-door sedan based on its higher resale value. He also claims he chose the hybrid version due to its “extreme MPGs.”

Despite his attempts at practicality, the spontaneous purchase has resulted in tensions at home.

“We already have three Toyota Camrys”, explained his wife. “And why does he keep calling it a sports car?”

Retired Racist Looks Forward to New Career as Islamophobe: Same Hatred, New Target

By
Islamica News
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Sterling believes his past career as a racist provides solid grounding for his new Islamophobic duties.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Recently forced into retirement, area resident Donald Sterling looks forward to rejoining the workforce with renewed focus as an Islamaphobe.

“Let’s be honest, a man of my principles is considered outdated within the public forum,” explained Sterling as he sipped some juice. “But a few steps to the right and I’m instantly relevant.”

Sterling mentioned he got the idea while “on the sauce watching Fox News” and was inspired to reach out to the bigoted media outlet. As a result, he expressed optimism that he could join the broadcaster “as early as next week” as an on-air terrorism expert.

“I was a little reluctant at first, but they comforted me as we share similar views. They wanted a Muslamic expert guy who can talk about the camel jockeys,” stated Sterling as he poured another glass of juice. “I dated a bedouin lady in the 70’s and they sent me a copy of the holy koala so I think I’ll be fine.”

“Ooga booga,” he added while rolling his eyes and waving his hands.
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