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Area Imam Tweeting Way Too Much: Followers Beginning to Regret Their Decision

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Islamica News
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Some recent, scattered tweets from the imam.

ANYWHERESVILLE, VA – Last week after Friday prayer, Shaikh Khalid Mabuti asked members of his congregation to follow him on his newly registered @ShaikhMabuti Twitter account.

Several days later, many of those followers are voicing regret.

“He said he’d post masjid updates there,” stated one member. “At first, I was really excited to see the imam on Twitter. But now it’s just annoying. He tweets every few minutes. It’s worse than my 12-year old sister.”

Witnesses stated that in the past hour, the imam has retweeted @Hadithoftheday eight times, posted five selfies, ranted about a smell coming from the wudu area, and mentioned that Sunday school classes are cancelled.

Given the frequency of the tweets, many are questioning if the imam live-tweets during prayer.

“I’d unfollow him,” stated another follower, speaking on the condition of anonymity, “but he actually throws something useful in there once in a while so I’m worried I might miss out. Then again, his post-midnight tweets really creep me out. I’m not sure he knows how to send a private DM.”

At press time, the imam tweeted a picture of his banana captioned “About to have lunch” followed by another tweet requesting sisters to connect with his Snapchat.

Retiring Imam Selects Jon Stewart as Successor: Hamza Yusuf To Call it Quits "In a Few Years"

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Islamica News
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When pressed for comment, Stewart was confused given that no prior conversation with the imam had taken place.

BERKELEY, CA – Ending years of speculation, Celebrity Imam Hamza Yusuf announced his retirement “in the next few years” and selected Jon Stewart as his successor.

“I feel proud of all that we’ve been able to accomplish,” stated Yusuf, “But I look forward to some time away from the spotlight. [Jon] was the natural choice given his charisma, talent and knowledge of the faith. The ummah will be in good hands, insh’Allah. I won’t pull a Leno.”

When asked why the move was announced so far in advance, Yusuf stressed the need to be prepared, given “how late [Muslims] are to everything.”

Yusuf cited the Daily Show host’s depth of knowledge as one of the key reasons for the decision. Stewart seems to possess far greater knowledge of Islam and global Muslim culture than many Muslims, several of whom were confused as to who Hamza Yusuf might be or what an “imam” is.

“Wat r this lol idk,” tweeted one eyewitness, adding, “#confuzzled.”

Supporters add Stewart has done more than many prominent Muslim clerics to defend their faith in light of its harshest critics. However not all are happy about the move.

“I really thought this was going to be my moment,” lamented Conan O’Brien. “Jay probably had something to do with this.”

Another confused Muslim pondered, “Why can’t he stay? I didn’t know an imam could retire. Does he have an Islamic 401k or something?”

Most, however, are expressing cautious optimism.

“A lot of Muslims already know who he is and God knows my feed is full of Daily Show clips,” stated one supporter. “This isn’t a big stretch. Let’s just hope he can grow a better beard than [Imam Hamza] Yusuf.”

Halalcohol Introduces ‘TAK Beer’: And 'TAK Beer Lite' For Moderates

By
Islamica News
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Halalcohol's new 'TAK Beer' is expected to be a great hit amongst the beer-deprived.

ST. LOUIS, MO – Time to get your spiritual buzz on. The company that brought the world halal alcohol ten years ago, is again revolutionizing the industry with the unveiling of ‘TAK Beer.’

Ismail Khalid, CEO of Halalcohol, believes the new beverage will take the Muslim market by storm.

“Every time we introduce TAK Beer to crowds, they respond with ‘Allah-u-Akbar.’ They must really like the product,” Khalid said.

Khalid also has a first name for a last name.

Sales of ‘TAK Beer’ will begin this summer and orders are now being accepted.

Saudi Legalizes Left Hand Marriage: Landmark Move For Equality in the Muslim World

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Islamica News
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Lefty supporters attribute victory to their "Come On, We Wash Them" social media campaign.

RIYADH, KSA – Seeking to stem the tide of anti-government sentiment within the region, King Abdullah announced that left-handed Muslims are now granted government-recognized marriage rights and benefits.

“The dirties can now have the marriage,” declared a visibly disgusted King Abdullah.

For many lefties in the Muslim world, shame and family pressure forces them into leading a right-handed lifestyle in public. Prior to the ruling, marriage amongst two left-handed individuals was impossible.

“All that has now changed,” gleamed Mujahid Abbas, a left-handed migrant worker from Bangladesh. “I’m still essentially slave class here, but now I can marry another lefty and maybe have left-handed children one day.”

Let’s Focus on the Real Issue Here: By Baby Musa

By
Islamica News
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I desperately need a diaper change, when someone has a minute.

I’ve been thrust into the spotlight recently and the family’s been reading these articles to me at mealtime. My lawyers have advised me to stay silent but to be honest, I’m compelled to correct the narrative outlined by mass media.

I take full responsibility for my actions. I threw a few things. I should not have acted impulsively. But alas, I am a baby and lack the mental and physical faculty of my older peers.

It’s the sad truth I live with everyday. I wonder what happens if I stick my finger in this.

Unfortunately hearing some of the comments, most people seem to be missing the plot. Did anyone stop to question why the police are getting involved in a billing issue by the utility company? Nope. Instead, we see the following.

“Isn’t he so cute?”

“I could just eat him up.”

“Awww! Look at him drooling!”

I’m flattered. Really, I am. But there’s a larger theme people must realize. We are a young country. We’re dealing with growing pains including brain drain from the exodus of talent to other countries and regions.

Where did my toy blocks go?

This whole circus with the trial underscores the systematic failure and corruption of our government. Anyone who lives here understands that police bribery runs rampant. The legal system is rigged with the powerful running things and the powerless being left to fend for themselves. After reading this, I’m sure they’ll find a way to pin drug charges on me.

On top of it all, having US drones randomly killing people doesn’t help. We have no real, lasting sense of security. And over time, even good people become desperate. Desperation becomes compounded and lawlessness will prevail.

Hold on while I lick this window. Yuck. Bitter.

It’s especially sad knowing that that ignorants are preparing to pin this on religion and skin color.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we Pakistanis need to find a way to work together towards a common goal. Only together will we succeed. We often say “Pakistan Zindabad (long life to Pakistan)” but what does that mean when our quality of life is so poor?

Uh-oh. I did poopy.
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