Saturday, May 30, 2020
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Muslim Boy Drowns During Suhur: Father Makes Grizzly Early Morning Discovery

Muna (pictured) moments after enjoying his last bowl. Coroners suspect he may have still been alive at the time.

HOUSTON, TX – A solemn mood set the stage at a north Houston residence yesterday as the county coroner confirmed the death of 14-Year-Old Tazi Chaudhry. Chaudhry was found face-down in a bowl of his favorite cereal, Cocoa Puffs, as his family was preparing to begin another day of Islamic fasting.

During the holy month of Ramadan, Muslims traditionally precede each day of fasting with a meal before dawn, or the suhur. According to forensic experts, it was during this time when Chaudhry fell asleep and drowned, landing face-down into his fatal breakfast which mother remarked he went “cuckoo for.”

The Chaudhry family is still trying to cope with the tragic loss of their youngest and most beloved member who they lovingly referred to as ‘Muna’.

Estooped Chaudhry, Tazi’s father, described his son’s personality as very unique and remarked, “He was a nice and calm little boy – except during suhur when he jerked his drowsy head back and forth, and cursed at me for waking him up too early!”

Muna’s mother, Chaipila, appeared to be the most grief-stricken. She recollected her biggest fears. “If anything, we thought he would die from a butter knife to the liver. But drowning in a bowl of cereal? That’s unheard of.”

The Harris County Coroner’s office released their report which captured yesterday’s grim set of events.

Per the report: “The subject fell back into a heavy sleep at the breakfast table, causing his head region to go crashing into the bowl region. It was at this point where he suffocated from milk inhalation which, in this case, didn’t do his body good.”

The coroner went on to write he reached these conclusions after finding a two puffs of the “cocoa cereal” lodged up the subject’s nostrils.

As Ramadan comes to a close, the family must now learn to cope with the tragic loss of young Tazi.

Estooped Chaudhry points out, “As I fast during the first few days of Shawaal, I shall remember my little Muna at suhur time, and stay the hell awake!”

Yet Another Hollywood Film Slanders Islam: Not Without My Daughter 2: Wait, I Forgot My Son

Promotional flyers for the vicious sequel are already in circulation.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – In a seemingly unbreakable and sad trend in modern-day filmmaking, MGM/UA is poised to release the sequel to their controversial film, “Not Without My Daughter”.

Entitled “Wait, I Forgot My Son”, the movie marks the return of depressing actress Sally Field as well as all the Jewish actors originally hired to play Muslims in the original. “I felt that the world needed to be reminded of how horrible the Muzlamic religion is,” stated Field.

“We also felt the need to show Muzlims that their method of prayer is wrong.”

What Field was referring to was the numerous prayer references in both the original movie and the sequel that depict traditional Islamic prayer as a random sequence of standing, bowing and loudly shouting various Arabic phrases in a rapidly repeated fashion for approximately twenty minutes.

Seemingly devoid of any plot whatsoever, “Wait, I Forgot My Son” depicts the journey of Field’s character into bowels of a villified Muslim country in search of her newborn son (played by Danny Devito).

“At the beginning of the new movie, my character marries a 7-11 clerk [who is later revealed as being suspected terrorist Osama bin Laden] and bares his child,” explains Field.

In the new film, Osama bin Laden plots to steal Field's children by becoming a 7-11 clerk who is fond of slurpees.
In the new film, Osama bin Laden plots to steal Field’s children by becoming a 7-11 clerk who is fond of slurpees.
“Needless to say, as per Muzlamic tradition, Osama takes his only son back to Afghanistan with him and it becomes my mission in life to get him back.”

News of the pending release of the movie has been met by much opposition and criticism from various Islamic groups such as CAIR (Council of American Islamic Relations) and ISNA (Islamic Society of North America) as well as the TDU (Taxi Drivers Union) and most Dunkin Donuts.

“I hate those kinds of flims, man,” exclaims Ali Kamal, Owner of Dunkin Donuts Store #294. “If that Sally Field ever come my store, I won’t give her the free donuts.”

That same sentiment was also heard from most Arab liquor store owners who are planning on refusing free liquor for Field as well as all taxi drivers refusing to take her anywhere.

The Hizbollah, not to be outdone, have also announced plans to steal the hollywood actress’s children and raise them overseas.

Islamic “Entertainment” Night Trend Continues: Nothing But Rap Acts and Childrens Videos This Time Around

The Tele-Arabees feature (from left) Harith bin Tinky Winky, Bebzi, Osama bin Lala, and Bo.

CHICAGO, IL – Boring the crowd for an estimated three hours, the entertainment night at a local-area Islamic convention consisted, yet again, of nothing but rap acts and the videos designed to teach Islam to children in the 2-3 year-old range.

Festivities started out rather lively with guest speaker Hakeem Olajuwan giving a speech about life, basketball and Islam but conditions deteriorated rather quickly once Olajuwon left the stage.

Crowd onlookers were subjected to a battery of 3 back-to-back episodes of ‘Adams World’ followed by various Islamic rap acts and ending with the debut of Astrolabe’s new show entitled “Tele-Arabees.”

Originality was sorely lacking as most rap acts looked and sounded like reruns of music videos from the early 90s. Artists performances included sets by L.L. Khool J, DJ Jazzy Jaleel and Fresh Prince of Morocco, and Queen Latifah.

One artist in particular, named Br. Yoyo Boyyuddin, sounded as though his act was completely unrehearsed and made up spur-of-the-moment.

Only 3 minutes into his set, Br. Yoyo Boyyuddin managed to lull half the crowd to sleep - breaking the convention record formerly held by "Babbling Bilal and Friends".
Only 3 minutes into his set, Br. Yoyo Boyyuddin managed to lull half the crowd to sleep – breaking the convention record formerly held by “Babbling Bilal and Friends”.
Aside from the fact that none of Boyyuddin’s lyrics rhymed, he was heard spewing out pathetic lyrics such as “Daddy wakes me up in the morning to pray Fajr. Then I go to sleep. Then I wake up again to pray Isha and wash the dishas” and “I hate it when I forget my lyrics sheet at home, but that’s alright, cuz I can make up dope lyrics without my sheet…naw you ain’t booin’…naw you aint booin”.

Boyyuddin set a new record when he managed to lull half the crowd to sleep in under 3 minutes while the other half of the crowd decided to start voicing their anger and hostility. Shouts of “You suck!” and “Jordan’s Over!” drowned out most of Boyyuddin’s lyrics.

Soundvision added to the dullness with their new show entitled Mujabr and his Monkey.
Soundvision added to the dullness with their new show entitled Mujabr and his Monkey.
Boyyuddin, however, was unaffected and reacted just as angrily when he began shouting, “Shake it. Bake it. Assalaamualaik It. Y’all think y’all got wudu but I think I’ll break it.”

Immediately following this line, witnesses cliaim that Boyyuddin screamed a barrage of obsenities, turned his back to the crowd and mooned an estimated 1,500 shocked onlookers.

While being escorted off the stage by convention security, he was last heard shouting “Did you see the Ramadan moon?! Huh?! Did you???”

Brother Still Believes Marsmallows are Halal: Digging Himself "Gooey Goodness" Path To Hell

Brother Yasir proudly showed Islamica the 'walls of marsh' that adorn all four corners of his bedroom.

FOREST PARK, IL – Seemingly living under a rock for his entire life, Yasir Iman, a Forest Park native, still believes marshmallows are halal.

“They are!” exclaimed the visibly infuriated 25-year old while eating a bag of Jet-Puff marsmallows.

A slave to the gooey substance, Yasir has lived almost exclusively off marshmallows, in various forms, for the past three years according to close relatives.

“I’ve been trying to explain this whole thing to him for a few months now, but he just won’t listen,” stated Ali Qureshi, a friend of the Iman family. “Whenever anyone says anything, he just starts throwing chairs and pretending he’s possessed.”

Many area residents have also had sour encounters with the troubled youth.

“He starts throwing things around and yelling and screaming like a woman,” said 49-year old Nancy Kinders, who lives down the block from the Iman family, “What’s the big deal? They’re only marshmallows.”

Apparently unknown to Mrs. Kinders and Yasir, most marshmallows made in the US, with the exception of those marked with a ‘K’ for ‘Kosher’, contain a compound called gelatin – which is a popular euphemism for “phlegm and puss that rises to the top when you boil the bones of animals (commonly pigs) in a huge vat of water”.

When informed of possible dangers involved the consumption of gelatin, Yasir was truly baffled and still in apparent denial.

“What’s ‘consumption’ supposed to mean?” he asked, “They can’t be haram!!! Does this mean that I can’t eat Lucky Charms anymore?”

Revlon Releases Controversial Clear Plastic Hijab: "I mean, I did work on my hair for four hours"

Many Muslims were left asking "What's the point?" Others were offended by the completely nude mannequin showcasing the hijab.

NEW YORK, NY – In an move to expand into new markets, cosmetic manufacturer Revlon unveiled its first entry into the Islamic fashion scene. Dubbed ‘The Clear Alternative,’ the clear plastic hijab is the first article of Islamic clothing comprised entirely of polyurethane.

Released for consumer testing in 1996, the initial iterations of the plastic hijab were anything but successful. Consumer testing revealed that the initial design was plagued with numerous fundamental flaws. Several women complained of excessive heat buildup in the hijab and three died of suffocation as a result of turning their heads too quickly, thereby blocking air intake.

Revlon representative Paula Mitchell assured Islamica News the final shipping version is very safe for ready for everyday use. The company spent numerous R&D hours to remedy issues of ‘breathability’ from the initial release.

“We feel that all problem issues have been covered and we’re excited to start shipping the product,” exclaimed Mitchell. “I mean, I did work on my hair for four hours, why not show it off?”

The company hopes to expand into other clear, polyurethane-based apparel in the near future and teased a clear jilbab as part of its marketing campaign.