Thursday, April 18, 2024
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Man Recalls Times When He Used To Eat Non-Zabiha Meat

Unlike previous attempts, Usmani (above) feels that his zabiha-only committment will succeed this time."I really could go for a Whopper right about... now," grumbled the famished Usmani.

HANOVER PARK, IL – At the corner table of a northwest suburban Long John Silvers sits 32 Year Old Zia Usmani. Immersed in the pirate haven ambiance of the establishment, Usmani awaits his three piece ‘Fish and More’ ordered just minutes prior.

Like many of his fellow Muslims, Usmani gave up eating non-zabiha meat three years ago in compliance of a more orthodox way of life.

“Just one bite of a juicy, flame broiled Whopper with cheese,” muttered the man under his breath.

Since his oath of no “outside meat,” Usmani has succumbed fifteen times to Whoppers, Big Macs, and Slim Jims. This time, however, he claims to be serious in his stride and plans to take preventive measures.

“Maybe if I say bismillah and spin three times it will be okay to eat it?”

As a plate copious with hushpuppies and coleslaw was delivered in front of him, witnesses observed Usmani frowning as he openly wept.

Descrambler Reveals New Muslim Cable Channel

The scrambled version Muslim-owned Crossroads television (top) appears to be much more stimulating to viewers than the descrambled version (bottom).

CLAREMONT, CA – Twenty-year-old Musa Hathout was disappointed last week when he found out that channel 96 was the home of the new ‘Crossroads’ Muslim lifestyles cable television channel.

The young Hathout made the discovery after he connected his new ClearMax 6000 cable box he bought from an eBay auction. The ClearMax 6000, along with other cable descramblers, allows viewers to clearly and illegally watch premium scrambled channels.

“My parents went to umrah last week, so I thought what better time to hook up the ClearMax,” the second year Cal Pomona student said.

Much to Musa’s chagrin, however, the first thing he saw was the new series, “Muslim Assimilation Hour with Paul Khalini.”

“It looked so different when it was all wavy and distorted. So much more… interesting.”

Musa Hathout still plans to keep the cable box in hopes of a future shift in the channel lineup. He also plans to find out what is on channel 97.

Audience Chuckles At Overused Guest Speaker Humor

Despite few chuckles, Bashir was persistent with his attempts at humor.

ROLLING MEADOWS, IL – Ahmed Bashir elicited few chuckles last Saturday during the Islamic Society of Northwest Suburbs’ annual fundraising dinner.

“I know nobody wants to listen to me when there is a delicious food right there, but you will have to wait,” Bashir said in his speech opening.

Scattered, polite laughter could be heard from the audience.

Afterwards, Bashir commented, “It’s funny to use food as bait for my audience you know.”

Not everyone had a polite reaction,however. Attendee Omar Saleh candidly commented, “Trust me the food ain’t delicious, but his speech ain’t any better. That [expletive] needs to step.”

It was the 12th time this month Bashir mentioned “waiting for dinner” during his customary two hour intro speech.

Everyone Falls Asleep at Fajr Discussion

SCHAUMBURG, IL – In what some are labeling as a bizarre phenomenon, a morning study group at the Midwest Islamic Center in Schaumburg, IL achieved the impossible. Sometime between 6:45 and 6:46 A.M. last week, all nine of the participants in the weekly discussion simultaneously fell into a state of slumber.

52-year-old Shafique Osman was the first to notice.

“I wake it, then I look it, every the body sleeping.”

Participants said that nothing like this ever happened in the five-year history of the discussion group and cannot provide an explanation.

Mahmood Khan, who heads up the discussion after Fajar, was dumbfounded before going back to sleep to take advantage.

“We kinda noticed it and moved on. No one said a word.”

The discussion group will still meet at their scheduled time every Sunday morning.

Jinn Scare Tactics Still Work on 45-Year Old

According to friends and coworkers, Rabab has only two facial expressions: scared and scareder.

JINNEAPOLIS, MN – Maruf Rabab is a typical middle-aged Muslim in many respects. He was recently laid off from a full-time job at a prominent consulting firm, dedicates some of his spare time to volunteer efforts, and lives in his parents’ basement. He does, however, have one rather large quirk.

Rabab carries scars from his childhood in the form of an overwhelming and irrational fear of jinns.

Growing up in rural parts of Minnesota just outside the big city, young Rabab was an only child. His parents are of Indian ancestry and like many families from the subcontinent, fear tactics played a crucial role in disciplinary actions during his upbringing.

“I remember what mummy and daddy always told me: do what we say or the jinns will get you,” remarked a terrified Rabab.

From an early age, acts of rebellion or forming contradictory opinions were met with harsh consequences.

“We didn’t mean for it to go this far,” states Rabab’s mother. “We just wanted him to stop jumping on the bed and the jinn story seemed good at the time.”

“When he wanted to stay out late, we pulled out the jinn thing again,” explained his father. “If we felt he was hanging out with the wrong crowd, the jinn story was there to save us again.”

After a while, this method became so easy that Rabab’s parents created sign with the word “Jinn” to get whatever they wanted. While these Pavlovian tactics worked on a young Maruf his emotional scars run deep, crippling his daily life.

“I remember once when he showed up to work and we had a power outage,” recalls former coworker and longtime friend Qutub Zaki. “Maruf immediately ran out of the office screaming ‘They’ve come to get me! They’ve come to get me!’ We all had a laugh but it’s kind of disturbing.”

Since that incident, coworkers made Maruf the butt of several office pranks.

“It didn’t matter what it was, as long as the word ‘jinn’ was mentioned, Maruf’s face turned white,” stated former coworker Kelly Johnson. “I don’t even know what jinn means or what country it’s from, but it’s amazingly effective. I used whenever he gives me that creepy stare in the lunchroom.”

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