Monday, November 25, 2024
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Everyone Falls Asleep at Fajr Discussion

SCHAUMBURG, IL – In what some are labeling as a bizarre phenomenon, a morning study group at the Midwest Islamic Center in Schaumburg, IL achieved the impossible. Sometime between 6:45 and 6:46 A.M. last week, all nine of the participants in the weekly discussion simultaneously fell into a state of slumber.

52-year-old Shafique Osman was the first to notice.

“I wake it, then I look it, every the body sleeping.”

Participants said that nothing like this ever happened in the five-year history of the discussion group and cannot provide an explanation.

Mahmood Khan, who heads up the discussion after Fajar, was dumbfounded before going back to sleep to take advantage.

“We kinda noticed it and moved on. No one said a word.”

The discussion group will still meet at their scheduled time every Sunday morning.

Jinn Scare Tactics Still Work on 45-Year Old

According to friends and coworkers, Rabab has only two facial expressions: scared and scareder.

JINNEAPOLIS, MN – Maruf Rabab is a typical middle-aged Muslim in many respects. He was recently laid off from a full-time job at a prominent consulting firm, dedicates some of his spare time to volunteer efforts, and lives in his parents’ basement. He does, however, have one rather large quirk.

Rabab carries scars from his childhood in the form of an overwhelming and irrational fear of jinns.

Growing up in rural parts of Minnesota just outside the big city, young Rabab was an only child. His parents are of Indian ancestry and like many families from the subcontinent, fear tactics played a crucial role in disciplinary actions during his upbringing.

“I remember what mummy and daddy always told me: do what we say or the jinns will get you,” remarked a terrified Rabab.

From an early age, acts of rebellion or forming contradictory opinions were met with harsh consequences.

“We didn’t mean for it to go this far,” states Rabab’s mother. “We just wanted him to stop jumping on the bed and the jinn story seemed good at the time.”

“When he wanted to stay out late, we pulled out the jinn thing again,” explained his father. “If we felt he was hanging out with the wrong crowd, the jinn story was there to save us again.”

After a while, this method became so easy that Rabab’s parents created sign with the word “Jinn” to get whatever they wanted. While these Pavlovian tactics worked on a young Maruf his emotional scars run deep, crippling his daily life.

“I remember once when he showed up to work and we had a power outage,” recalls former coworker and longtime friend Qutub Zaki. “Maruf immediately ran out of the office screaming ‘They’ve come to get me! They’ve come to get me!’ We all had a laugh but it’s kind of disturbing.”

Since that incident, coworkers made Maruf the butt of several office pranks.

“It didn’t matter what it was, as long as the word ‘jinn’ was mentioned, Maruf’s face turned white,” stated former coworker Kelly Johnson. “I don’t even know what jinn means or what country it’s from, but it’s amazingly effective. I used whenever he gives me that creepy stare in the lunchroom.”

Man Enraged Two-Year Old Girl in Brothers Section

TULSA, OK – Chaos was narrowly averted at the Islamic Center of Tulsa when worshipper Dadam Bazaam blew into a wave of histrionics after spotting a sister in the men’s section of the prayer hall.

Two-year-old Nida Malik had her hand in her mouth when Bazaam spotted her.

“It was like I was at a wild disco with all this free mixing of the genders!” exclaimed an irate Bazaam.

“Why don’t we setup a casino in here with girls in peacock outfit?”

The center’s director was unavailable for comment.

FBI Arrests Sleepy Man: Authorities believe suspect is part of a larger sleeper cell

Authorities suspect the man in the picture is the long sought-after 'Sleepy Man.'

BROOKLYN, NY – The FBI made a huge break recently as they arrested the individual known as “Sleepy Man.” The suspect was arrested in his Brooklyn apartment after a carefully-planned 3 A.M. raid.

“We now have the suspect known as Sleepy Man. We currently don’t have his real name but suspect that he is somehow associated with Al-Qaeda… through his sleepy ways,” stated FBI Chairman Stanley Watts.

“We are fairly certain this is the man we’re looking for. At the time of the raid he was sleepy. This is clearly a match for the profile of the man we seek.”

As certain as the bureau is of his identity, Watts did note that the suspect could also be the elusive “Hairy Man” as well as the “Time to Make the Donuts Man.”

The operative is believed to be part of a network of “sleeper cells” operating in North America that officials deem to be very dangerous.

He Is, Like, So Not Worth My Time

"Eeeyuuu!"

Written By Anonymous 17 Year Old Sister

At first, I was like “Oh my god!” Why do they always do this to me? Weirdo gross brown women have been asking me the same stupid marriage questions since I was like 16. Okay so check this out. Like last week, no wait, maybe it was a few days ago, no wait it was last week. Anyway, my mom and dad found this guy that they want me to meet.

I’m like “Get over it, lady. I’m not interested in your brainwashed, mama’s boy loser son, okay?”

I *so* don’t get this. Like a thousand “sighs” to the infinitive power.

It would be, like, totally cool if they found an awesome guy, mashAllah, that I could totally spend all my time with. But I think they’re all taken or weird or gross.

Like this one guy they made me meet, he was kinda okay… until he wrote me like this mile-long e-mail telling me how much he loved me. This was after having like a 5 minute conversation. Hel-looo?

What. Ever.

I guess I like shouldn’t complain and stuff since a lot of girls are less fortunate and ugly and stuff. They don’t get any guys giving them attention. I’m so thankful that I look so cute, mash’Allah, no matter what I wear. I don’t even need much makeup.

My parents are like so freaking out right now because I’m almost 18 and they think that I’m gonna expire soon or something. I’m like “Daddy! Credit cards expire, not people. Okay?!”

Speaking of credit cards, I think I’m gonna go shopping in a bit.

But anyway, I don’t plan on getting hooked up until, like, the ripe old age of like 21, okay?

I just wish these freaks would back off, you know? Don’t even get me started on the FOB I’ve gotta meet next week. Cry, cry, cry. Poor me.

HALL OF FAME