Dear Islamica,

I’m not sure where to turn. I’m really embarrassed to get advice from my friends or family because I don’t think they’ll understand. Every time I try to pray, I hear my favorite N’Sync song playing over and over again in my head. I try to block it out, but it’s hopeless. I need help! How do I say “Bye, Bye, Bye” to the song forever repeating in my head??

– Repeet Ifreet

This is what you get for listening to bad music. Music like this (if you consider it to be music) is probably the reason many Muslims only consider the drum (daf or duff) permissible.

After all, when’s the last time you’ve had some daf stuck in your head? Unless, of course, your name is Homer Simpson.

Dear Islamica,

If you can’t hear it, does it still break it?

– “Silent But Deadly” Samir

You pose an interesting question. It’s an issue that has perplexed scholars and educators for ages.

Think about it: what is an Imam supposed to do if he passes gas while he’s leading the prayers? Technically he’s supposed to finish prayer, redo his wudu afterward, and lead another makeup prayer in his newly-cleansed state.

What if he stopped in the middle, though? Could you imagine the chaos that would ensue?

Is someone supposed to boldly leap into the Imam’s vacant, odoriferous spot and lead the jamaat? And what if no one steps up to the challenge? Does everyone just pause and wait for the Imam to return from performing wudu? And what if no one catches on to the fact that the Imam broke wind once he stops and leaves?

Confusion would pollute the jamaat as everyone would think that the Imam simply quit and left. Utter chaos. Never have we witnessed or even heard about an Imam leaving the prayer to re-execute his wudu.

We sought the advice of a local Imam regarding this issue. With a half smile, he stated, “If nobody can smell it or hear it, you just keep going. You just have to watch what you eat before you lead the prayers.”

No wonder we never see him at Taco Bell.

Dear Islamica,

I know it’s Sunnah to grow a beard, but I can only seem to grow a mustache. What’s a girl to do?

– Hairy Huma

Although we applaud your efforts at achieving follicular Sunnah, we’re pretty sure that growing a beard applies only to males.

If you’re intent on sporting a beard, however, you can always ingest hormones to catalyze hair growth. Of course, there is a strong propensity for unwanted hair growth and violent mood swings, accompanied by irritability and random nausea.

You might want to consider another option, which is to shave the barren facial area several times a day to spur rapid hair growth.

We’re reminded of the story of a man we’ll anonymously call “Mirza Baig”.

He desperately wanted to grow a goatee at the young age of 13. Consequently, he shaved his chin and surrounding areas incessantly, anywhere from 3-10 times daily. In a matter of two weeks, Mirza had a flourishing, Brillo-Pad of a goatee and was the very reason his Jr. High had to implement a “Facial Hair” clause in the Code of Conduct booklet.

So shave on sister, there is hope for you yet!